Cynicism

Apparently I'm getting to that point before moving where seperation anxiety kicks in and I start to push just about everyone I know away for fear of missing them. I suppose I should stop deluding myself in this regard and stop letting my subconscious lash out at people without much in the way of provocation.

I debate back in forth in my head whether it's actually that I don't want to miss these people, or that I'm feeling liberated by the fact that after I move, I theoretically could never have to answer to these people again, and can really say what I feel.

I'd like to think that I don't harbor as much ill will as I'm capable of expressing, but I recognize as well that I've got a lot of frustration towards the world that I just generally never act upon. I kinda take things, and let them go, and never really stand up for what I think, because of the fights I would get into with people.

So here's my question, since this is public, and is meant to be read and commented on: is it better for a person to just let things slide for the sake of keeping the gears of social interaction well lubricated or bring things to their potential grinding halt by taking a stand when presented with the opportunity and openly disagreeing with people, or letting them know how you really feel about a situation?

On one hand, 99% of the time, I don't care enough about the subject to risk the clash that would result from disagreeing with them. On the other, it creates a situation for me where I am not being honest and truly representative of my feelings. Though it is a genuine representation of my personality to avoid needless conflict and to make sacrifices in the name of getting along, those feelings I hold back are as well genuinely mine. So which, in doing so, creates a more false representation of who I am, and regardless of that, which is more appropriate?

This is my conflict, and it's being exascerbated by my upcoming move to Portland, and then Japan. Put in a situation where, were I to take it that way, I would have nothing to lose by letting lose with my feelings when I disagree, and conversely being completely honest about the things I feel which are positive and warm.

In spite of the fact that the title of both this and my blog on the whole are named for the cynic in me, I want to apologize to anyone that I inadvertantly hurt as a result of what I'm going through. What's worse, is that I know it will take a while to distinguish whether what I do that might be hurtful is the result of genuine feelings I have or the interest accrued on the principle of held back conflict which is pent up in my psyche.