Shouting out

Came back from Eugene/Corvallis a night early. Couldn't find a place to stay in Corvallis, the people I was supposed to see, and possibly stay with, flaked out and weren't able to be gotten ahold of. I saw one person for about 20 minutes when I first arrived, but that was about it.

more when I feel like writing it all down. this is just a reminder to write this entry.

notes to individuals to come shortly.
-------

I guess I feel more diappointed than anything else. I also am not aware entirely how I should direct that disappointment. Should I feel let down by my friends, assume that they received and ignored my calls and text messages? Should I then feel let down by them that they didn't think I was worth dropping what they might have been doing, or keeping in mind the possibility of my being there? Or even just let me know that they're not gonna be able to get together? But I didn't even get that. I got silence. Utter, painful, absolute silence.

Or should I be disappointed in myself, for failing to cultivate strong enough friendships with these people that my departure isn't a big a deal to them as I thought it should be?

This is, I suppose, my quandary. Who do I hold responsible for this? Is it really as big a deal as I am making it out to be? Should I, given their expression, care as little about the evening and these people as they appear to? That's the hard part for me, I guess. I care way too much about the opinions of others, and I tend to blame myself for failing to meet their expectations. And I tend to want my relationships with people to be somewhere on the order of profound, because that's how I feel about friendships. Each person in my life is something unique, every friendship immensely valuable, regardless of how close we really are, or how often we see one another.

So I guess that's where I know I'm at fault in the matter. I, probably unlike a lot of my friends, assign great value to even the most distant of acquaintances. When someone I barely know tells me I will never probably see them again, I always genuinely, and seriously, wish them well, connect with them for that brief moment to tell them I appreciate knowing them. It's just what's right, for me. And in that way, I make real to me the ways in which I am different, and my experiences are different because of them.

Call me crazy, but I think that'd be worth putting off washing your hair, or watching that TV movie that you own a copy of, or even telling that cute boy you're with that you are gonna have to come with, or take a raincheck on the evening of false pretense and making out.

10-4, David out.