*sigh* more clarification

I feel as if, in light of certain events, I should clarify a little more the nature of this journal. I've been reminded, once again, that prior to recently making the contents of this journal publicly viewable, this was very much a private journal. The fact that I have left those entries viewable is a reflection of my willingness to let people in, to see what goes on inside my head while I deal with problems.

The problem with that is, that along with it does not come an explanation of the implications my comments carry with them.

My psyche handles problems in the following way:
Something happens, I think about it. A lot. I mull on it, I come to a decision on how I feel, or that I don't know how I feel.

When I can't get it out of my head for long enough, I take a big dump right here in the journal. This is my way of putting into words what's going through my head, and articulate it in such a way as to make it concrete and a real idea instead of a bunch of shit running around in my head.
In doing so, I am able to make that issue, and my feelings about it tangible, and as such, when I am done writing it, and publishing it, I am able to walk away from it, feeling better and knowing where I stand.

I write some really depressing shit in here some times. I write some really offensive shit in here as well. I write some private things about my feelings, and my views on the world. KNOW THIS: Just about everything I write in here is dead the moment it hits the page. Those feelings are done. I have moved on. My publishing them here is the end of their effect on my life. Contrary to most people's abilities, I am capable of leaving it all on paper, and I DO. I am not a hugely negative or depressed person, I am accountable to my drug use which is not out of control, nor nearly as bad as I make it out to be.

I take things off the deep end when I write them; it's my way of seeing how ridiculous some things can be. I tend to be poetic; it's a function of my natural ability to put things into words. A lot of you might recognize this in my sounding cliche a lot, or sound in conversation like I'm using lines. I'm sorry. I can't help it if that's just the way I talk. It's my dairy, so deal with it.

This journal is almost entirely comprised of my past. My Past. Don't interpret what I say here as a reflection of my present or future feelings.
Here are some more do's and don'ts:

Don't be surprised if you never hear me talk about anything that's written here in real life
I'm a private person when it comes to many issues, and if I wanted to talk to someone about it, I'd have done it already. That doesn't mean you can't ask me about things, by all means do, just recognize that it's in the past already, and it won't carry so much weight with me by then.

Do realize that I am posting my thoughts publicly because I know, for many of my friends, there is the feeling like I am too withdrawn, and that people never know what's going on in my life anymore.
This journal is my way of letting people know what goes on with me in a way I'm comfortable. I make it so anyone can comment, and encourage it. Like I said, I probably won't talk about it face to face, so I am doing this so people don't think it's that I don't trust them, or want them to know. That, and after it's done with, it's not a big deal to discuss, just as long as you don't think it's still an issue unless I clearly say it is.

Don't keep your feelings about my posts to yourselves
Or worse, discuss them with other people and not me. If you have something to say, say it to me. I don't care if I hear about it a thousand times. I don't want one elected representative to come to me and express concern. That's crap. I want YOUR opinion, not the opinion of the group. And don't be afraid to either, I'm more happy to hear that you care. You're not going to to offend me unless you really cross some lines.


Don't transpose the image I present of my feelings and state of mind in this journal on to the Me you see when we hang out
Big mistake. I wouldn't want to hang out with the me I see on here. He's kind of a drag. I'd be worried about him too, in a big way. Don't worry guys, seriously. Once it's out here, it's gone. This stuff doesn't touch me any longer. I put it down on paper because I'm ready to leave it behind. This journal is the garbage can for all the crap I deal with, and I don't delete it all because the last thing I want to do is forget my past and as such repeat it.

I hope that you all notice there's a huge discrepancy between how I present my life here and how I handle myself face to face. It's not because I'm putting on an act, and don't want people to notice I'm depressed or a junkie or something. Seriously. It's because I leave my shit here, so I can be happy in life and not have this stuff weigh down on me. I want to enjoy my time with you, my friends, and this place exists to make that possible. That's why this isn't David's Happy Go Lucky Journal of Love and Happiness and All-That's-Good-In-The-World. Which would all make us gag anyway and wouldn't be much of a read.o

K? Got it? Any questions?