01-08

01-08 – 11:08pm

I drew a self-portrait tonight. I know, perfect for someone as narcissistic as myself. I decided I was going to let my music play on random tonight, and I kinda felt like drawing because of the mood the music put me in. I starting drawing something or other, and I kinda started sketching out the side of my face. I flipped the page when it didn’t turn out how I thought, and started looking at a picture of myself to have a rough start.
It’s weird to see a picture of yourself that you drew. It’s weird to watch it take shape, and start to be able to recognize yourself in the ink. I remember when Cole was taking art classes, and had to do self portraits, looking at the pictures himself he had drawn, and thinking what an interesting reflection it was of how he must have seen himself, in combination with his ability to put it down on paper. I can’t tell if the person you draw is idealized or if it’s a reflection of self worth. But people draw themselves, well, as they see themselves, ya know? The image they see isn’t exactly what they draw, it’s subtly altered by their interpretation of themselves too, I think. Actually, looking at the drawing it was weird because I recognized the features I had drawn, and they weren’t mine, they were my father’s. There are aspects of it that remind me a lot of a black and white picture my father has on his dresser in his room from when he was younger. But as I continued to draw, the picture became more distinctly my own, until, as a finished product, I see a blend I think only those who know me and my father well could see.

11:30pm
Tomorrow I go to check out Ty and Dave’s apartment near 新松戸 Shin Matsudo and will make a decision as to whether or not I move, which is about 99% sure, just as long as it’s not a pain in the ass to get home from somewhere. Basically, if it’s a walk I can do drunk in the dead of winter, it’ll be fine. It’s off the Nagareyama line, which means that I’m adding another local train ride to my already pain in the butt local train line switch coming home from places in central Tokyo. It also means that I’d pretty much have to leave at 9am for my 10:50 start days. Well, maybe, who knows. I’ll have to time it when I come back to my place tomorrow after checking it out.

Additionally, Liesl removed the info she had previously approved saying we had dated from 1999-2002 and that it had gotten a little serious. I refuse to read into the meaning behind that, but, um. Even if I had a new girlfriend now, one I was in Love with; I wouldn’t be concerned letting people know whom I dated. Unless there’s, ugh, no. I will not speculate. It’s not my place to question her motives. As much as my blood boils sometimes, I have no choice but to respect her wishes. She can remember me however she likes. Part of swearing I would never stand in the way of her happiness is letting go of my selfish desire to have my version of things be the explanation. I’m the only person with whom I ever need to reconcile those memories.