01-28 – 8:52am

01-28 – 8:52am

I really, really hate mornings. Have I mentioned that before? I hate them. I fell asleep last night when I got home from work at around 8pm, and slept until about 10, which was, as always a colossally bad idea, because then after that, there was no getting to sleep. It was an exercise in lying there patiently trying to fall asleep to little avail and great frustration. So, then, as a result of not being able to fall asleep until some much later hour, I wake up today tired and groggy, despite having gotten much more sleep than normal. Fuck.

When I was younger on vacation my brother and I took a canoe trip. Someone thought that would be a good idea. My brother halfway though it decided he would take the opportunity to perform a grand social experiment and did everything in his power to piss me off. He continually made fun of me, mocked me, taunted me, all under the justification that if he made me mad I would row harder. He kept telling me that from the back of the canoe in between taunts and jabs, until I turned around and swung straight at his face with the paddle. He’s lucky that it missed, but the paddle hit some rocks along the shore and shattered it. He shut up a little bit after that, and when we got back to the docks, despite my blatant fluster, we said that we had gotten stuck on some rocks and that the oar had broken while trying to push us free. That was the nature of my relationship with my brother for most of our lives living together. He desperately needed to wield control over his environment, and I desperately wanted to feel like he couldn’t own my emotions. He would have these absurd ‘great’ ideas and I think I was one of few people on whom he could test them, because I was the only person around to listen.