Dumping vs Being Dumped

I've decided that I hate dumping people. I hate that I talked to her, and we got things out in the open, and now I have to feel like I just dumped a good person, someone who didn't really do anything wrong, just, couldn't live up to what I wanted. That makes me feel like such a crappy person. Like, I set some kind of unmeetable standard, but all I wanted was to spend more time with the girl, an evening or two a week, a phone call after work, but I couldn't get it, and though I thought it was because of a lack of interest, it was a lot more that she just really didn't have time, and didn't think she was doing anything abnormal.

Now, I can't regret what I did because it was hurting me a lot, constantly, all the time, and the weight was affecting my life in really negative ways. And, the fact that she wasn't doing anything sketchy doesn't make it better somehow, cause intentionally or otherwise she wasn't giving me what I needed from a relationship. It doesn't stop me from thinking though that I just put my pain on her shoulders in leaving her when she was trying her hardest to make it work. *I shouldn't really say her hardest, the tension between us was making me act differently around her, and she was playing off that, and we both felt like we weren't really clicking, and probably backing away from each other.* Additionally, I can't assume this hurt her at all whatsoever, she might be relieved, and it'd be really arrogant of me to assume that my dumping her made her sad at all. In all honesty I have no idea.

What gets me though is that my off behavior came from sensing she wasn't interested in really putting herself on the line and going all in to be in a relationship, and she wasn't, because she feels like when she goes home that it would end and it would just be another memory of her time in Japan, which is a crap reason to me. And so since she wouldn't go all in, I backed off, and because I backed off, we didn't click at all, and it was pretty much doomed as far as I can see. We were both waiting to see if the other person was gonna step up, I didn't wanna come straight out and tell her what I was expecting cause it's not right to put conditions on a relationship, and she didn't wanna come out and tell me she wasn't willing to commit to anything. That, and she didn't really did that I come across as kinda cocky at times, and got the impression I could be kinda selfish, but not towards her, just others. I'm not gonna argue that, if that's how she feels then there's truth to it. I'm looking into ways to prevent future confusion between my self confidence and my not true cockiness. (shut up, I'm not THAT cocky, yeesh. you know as well as I do it's all a joke.)

So, we're both kinda at fault on this one, and it's a bummer because for once I had finally met a girl that I saw flaws in, things that would have normally sent me running, and yet because of something intangible I wanted nothing more than to be with. This is why I stuck with it as long as I did, I really wanted things to work. But shit, you can't win them all, and I learned a few really important things, about independence, what's too little and too much attention, and what it takes for me to put my neurotic standards aside when faced with a beauty I could never quantify to subject to my standards in the first place.

Anyway, not the best, not the worst, but one I'll remember for sure. Maybe this isn't the last I'll write about her, who knows.