Going

***Warning***
The following entry is a mix of both my desire to record historical events and vent my frustration so it doesn't eat away my insides and otherwise undermine my relationships with the people involved. My opinions and perspectives are openly biased. Try not to take it too personally, it's MY journal, and it's for my benefit alone that I'm writing. This is not me taking cheap semi-public cheapshots. I might also advise you just not to read this entry at all.
***Warning***

So. J and Sere and I made our way back home. Now keep in mind that this is Serena's last night in Japan, and well, I shouldn't have to say that it's not only the nice thing to do but basically my responsibility as her host to spend as much time with her as I can. Also keep in mind that J has basically been walking ahead of, away from, behind, etc. me for most all of the evening, and it's all too predictable where that's gonna lead.

So. We catch a taxi, Ty, J, Sere and Myself, and get in close to 1 am. I tell Sere that I'm going to bed, and she is too, cause we have to get up at 8am to go to the airport. But clearly, since I'm writing about it, this wasn't the end of my night, or even close.

J has, by now, stripped in front of Sere, which is just plain inconsiderate and a blatant cry for attention through intentionally ignoring social convention, and has walked into the kitchen in nothing but her t-shirt and panties, again, misbehaving, most likely entirely unconsciously, to get my focus back where she wants it. It works.

It gets to be that part of the evening where hanky panky goes on, and soon enough I'm in my boxers with her on my lap, and while she's checking her email, I begin phase two of hanky panky, which, well, admittedly I went about all wrong, but, was reacted to something on the order of 1000x differently and more than I would have expected, especially since she full on let me do what I was leading up to without so much as hinting at wanting me to stop until I was already in the act.

Things went from casual to typical in the most confusing and gut wrenching moment with her I've had in a blissfully long while. "You don't just ****." Oh God. Mentally, at this point, I check out. Fucking melodrama. I've got too much to do tomorrow to deal with this shit. I say this because of built up frustration based on previous encounters with overreaction and melodrama. She said this because of built up frustration about our situation and the way I treat her, which is incongruent with her feelings of how she treats me, and wants me to treat her.

But of course she goes about it like what has just happened is what's really frustrating her, and so I have to listen to an increasingly dramatic rendition of the same idea over and over for a long time after apologizing for being a little too forward and skipping the kissing, even though she basically told me explicitly she wanted me to be more aggressive and forward with her. Soon enough, she wretches. Literally. I touched her, and it made her puke, directly or otherwise. I think I've reached a new high, actually being able to make someone physically ill with my touch. Fanfuckingtastic. Makes you wonder what I did, doesn't it? Nothing near so bad as one might think. Just kinda, well, jumped the gun. Crocodile Mile is not something you wanna slide down when the hose hasn't been turned on yet.

After waking up Sere to get some cigarettes, which J has, between the taxi and my room, lost, she feels a bit better, and brushes her teeth. When she gets back to bed, she asks me if it would be gross to kiss her now, to which I politely said yea, kind of. Then she tells me that tonight isn't going how she wanted it too, and that she was really hoping to have sex tonight. We end up having sex, but not before asking if it's ok to enter her, because, well, J, if you didn't already know, the one thing I am deathly afraid of, more than anything in this world, is being accused of or making someone feel as if I've forced myself on them or done anything without their explicit blessing. She tells me twice after we being that she loves me. I say nothing. If she wants to say that it's fine with me, but I'm not going to lie, and even more than that I'm not going to tell her mid coitus that I'm not in Love with her, because that would trigger an even worse ordeal than was just gone through moments earlier.

It's the afterplay that gets me. Now she's wide awake, and I'm tired, and both of us have to get up what for me is early, and for her is sleeping in. The questions start rattling off, and my answers get rapidly more aggressive. I'm sorry that you feel like we don't spend enough time together, or hang out enough. I dunno, ARE you coming to the airport? I thought you said you didn't have the money to. Of course you can if you want, I told you that already. No, I didn't buy you a sweater for Christmas. No, I didn't cum inside you at all. I'm going to Rob's going away party. I have to run errands in the city. I have to go to the city office.* Listen, seriously, I NEED to sleep ok? We have to wake up early and the answers are gonna be the same in the morning, now PLEASE, can we go to sleep? SERIOUSLY? You've GOT to be kidding me.

*J does this thing where she asks me what my plans are, over and over, in an attempt to get me to say that I'm free, and then ask her if she wants to do something with me, or because she wants to do something with me but is going about it in a completely girl, indirect way, which, for the record, is complete shit and I hate. One has no right to get mad when they try to set someone up for something and they don't follow through, intentionally or otherwise. If you want something, ask for it. Say something. Don't play that fucking ridiculous game with me, I see through it and I hate it, and as such I deliberately go out of my way to shoot it down. Seriously. Every time. I'm not so stupid as to not see what's going on, and I hate to think you're so stupid as to think I wouldn't. With that having been said, if you think that you have to play that stupid game because if you just asked I'd say no, then you already know the outcome of the game and you're better of keeping your mouth shut and dropping it entirely.

At this point the room is hot, as is my temper, and my head itches from the heat in the room. J reacts poorly to this, which makes me sensitive and defensive, and I snap. I apologize, she cracks the door. I realize that all I'm doing is thinking about how pissed off I am instead of trying to get to sleep, and waiting for her to say something again so I can go off, which I know she will, and does. Eventually, we fall asleep.

The next morning we head to the airport. After Sere checks in, we decide to grab some lunch. We're talking about what we're doing from here, and I told her that we're gonna be heading different directions. She kinda gets quiet. She mentions that she wanted to go back to my place and have sex. I wonder to myself, why the hell after last night and the ridiculous argument we had on the train that morning, would I want to do that? I tell her that I don't think that would be a good idea, I'm not exactly happy about last night, and besides, I have to run my errands. She says we should go. It got easier from there.

On the train, I tell her what I'm thinking about being expected to treat her like my girlfriend that she's not, and how basically she's putting the weight of her emotional stability and happiness on my shoulders, where it does not belong. I tell her that what I like in her and my relationship has nothing to do with sex, which she was worried was all I thought of her as, on top of worrying that I think she's easy, neither of which are true. I tell her that us having sex is causing far more problems than it's worth, and she can't date other guys because of the emotional effect it has on her, and as such we can't do it anymore. At this point the train pulls up to Narita City, and I switch trains to head back to my place and her hers.

She calls me later in the afternoon when she gets home, and proceeds to repeat what I told her earlier, just in her words, like it was her idea. I spend some time thinking about how I told her not two days earlier how weird it is to watch people validate and try to own decisions that were beyond their control or against their wishes in order to feel like they're still in control of their lives and surroundings. I'm very calm during all this, which is alarming to her and me both, and after I hang up, I think for a moment about why it is I'm so calm about it. Well, for one, it's not gonna be the end of she and I talking, but, moreover, I had already long since checked out. I had checked out the night before. It was a decision I had already made, and came to grips with, and acted on. She basically just told me everything I said on the train back to me, in her own words, so, it wasn't really anything I could get worked up about.

There was some confusion about the 23rd, and that was basically the end of it.

In retrospect, it's just a crappy situation that couldn't have ended well no matter how much we tried to avoid it. She was pissed that I didn't Love her back, was probably convinced I did but wouldn't admit it, and expected me, consciously or otherwise, to treat her as if I did, or were her boyfriend, and got mad when reality was different from that. Then, in seeking an explanation that didn't involve her being in the wrong or accepting the reality that there was really nothing wrong except for the incongruence of our emotions, started putting me at fault for things I had absolutely no responsibility to do, and as such never did.

There are things at which I am at fault in this situation. I'm not denying that. K, I think I'm done venting now. Try to keep in mind I'm going to go about my life now as if these words existed only in the moment they were written.