Wall of Text

I think what I talked about in my last entry really had an impact on my outlook on things, for the better.

I started thinking not on what was wrong, or how bad I felt, but what I could do to make things better. I started thinking about what I could do when she came over to help her have a good time, to help her relax, to enjoy our time together as much as possible, and when I started thinking about that all of a sudden my perspective shifted and I was looking forward to seeing her again.

And so, when she called, I asked about her day, and her oral surgery that she had just finished, and invited her over to enjoy some quality time with me and the some crazy rabbids (sic), courtesy of my new Wii. She cheerily said ok, and when she got here, I noticed her haircut, she noticed how long my hair has gotten, and we both had a good laugh saying that we both look like we went back in time, she to when we first met (her haircut is exactly the same as 2 years ago this time) and me to basically high school, minus the blonde.

I made her chicken soup for dinner, a first for me, and a success at that, and we relaxed, goofed off, competed against each other, and had a good time.

I've discovered, which come to think of it should be pretty obvious, that the mood of our getting together is exactly the mood I bring into it. If I come into it down, it's down, if I come into it with pep and excitement, guess what? Yea, peppy and exciting. So, my advice to myself, to focus more on the positive, and creating a good atmosphere, really seemed to work.

Ty made a comment to me last night before going to bed that most likely, my fears and concerns were founded more in the fact that I just missed her like crazy, and my longing to spend time with her fueled my funk. He's probably right.

I'll take this time to remind myself once again, of the Fundamental Attribution Error, which is so prevalent in our evaluation and decision making processes. People tend to be vastly unaware of the effect their environment and outside forces are having on their feelings, observations, and actions. This needs to be considered more carefully and thoughtfully when looking at a situation.

Having said that, it's very difficult, as I'm sure you can all attest, to take feelings that you have, based on emotions rather than logic, and use reasoning to attempt to override them.

Here's a conversation I'm sure we've all had with ourselves or someone else at some point:

"Paul is being such a jerk."
"He's probably just busy."
"I dunno, I mean, he's been so snappish."
"He's under a lot of stress now, in his new position. He's got big shoes to fill."
"What did I do to make him be so mean to me?"
"Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just comes across that way when you interact with him."
"I just feel like he's out to get me."

Right? Something like that?

Anyway, the point is even though I'm aware of the FAE, it's damn hard to do anything about it. This, most likely, is due to being completely unware of the actual factors influencing my behavior.

See, there are 4 types of information, as pointed out by a self help session leader that my parents brought me to one day, not because I needed it but because they did, and thought it would do me some good. Well, for all I know I do need it, but that's another story. Anyway...

There are 4 types of information subjective to a person:
Things you know you know
Things you know you don't know
Things you don't know you know
Things you don't know you don't know

We tend to grossly, grossly over/underestimate the sizes of these groups. The primary cause of the FAE, I assume, is that the size of the 4th type, things we don't know we don't know, is so disproportionally large, and environmental factors generally all fit in to that category. Either that or things we don't know we know. Perhaps I've noticed all these things, but consciously I haven't put those pieces together. I might know all the factors that contribute to the situation, but either not aware of them at all or have failed to make a meaningful connection.

Most likely though, the causes are based in things that not only do I not know, but have no idea I don't know. I can say, work could be a factor, but I don't know for sure. That's something I know I don't know. But there are a whole slew of things that I haven't come up with or thought about that may or may not contribute, and thanks to the incredibly complex filtration system set up by our brains, I probably would never come up with either.

Or maybe, I know exactly why things are how they are, but I simply choose to ignore them because I have some kind of preference for what I want it to be. That of course raises the question, why the heck would I want my relationship to be in disarray? That calls for some introspection.