"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

We had our BoE meeting today, and as always it was productive, informative, and well worth spending my time going. Minus everything past the first comma.

That's not entirely true, I mean, we talked about next year's schedule, and how things are going to be different in terms of the number of schools and the number of lessons we teach. Fewer schools, more lessons, same pay, essentially. My company has got this interesting thing going on where we can't work more than 29.5 hours in a week, yet somehow we're expected to be available to work, and at school, from 8-5, or more 8:30-4:30. It's set up so that anytime I'm not in class I'm on break. I dunno, it's a weird system, it's basically a sham, but whatever.

Anyway, I'm frustrated. Really really frustrated. I guess part of it has to do with work, I'm feeling awful trapped lately, like I'm not going anywhere but have nowhere to go. I want to move up, do better things, more important things, more lucrative things, but the option I kinda have is in a business category that I think of as particularly unsafe atm, i.e. banking, so it's either take a chance on a business that might not do so hot or have to lay me off, or stick with what I have a little while longer and feel increasingly like I'm going nowhere. Or bail on it all and go home and go to grad school.

And then, to make things worse, I'm transposing my anxiety onto Saki, and I've got it in my head now that she's bored to tears with me, cause let's face it I'm a pretty boring guy deep down, and she's looking at me wondering what she's doing still being with me. I know I do this, transpose my fears onto others, and I know I shouldn't. I trust Saki to be honest with me about her feelings. Or do I? I have very, very little faith that Japanese will tell their true feelings about something to someone directly, but I don't know how far into even personal romantic relationships that extends. Certainly in the public sector one would never talk about it, but I've never been with a Japanese girl to know the signs of holding back.

All I know are the Western signs of holding back, all of which all Japanese exhibit to such an extent I can't distinguish it from anything deeper.

On top of all that, I've gained weight over the winter, something I'm extremely dissatisfied with, and so of course I'm transposing that on her too. I guess my thinking is, I'm not happy with myself, why the heck should she be? If it's so obvious to me, she's not stupid, she has to have noticed too. Especially when she pokes at my tummy, which she does a lot. And invites me to go to the gym with her.

So then, I look at her through these jaded goggles and her actions all fit. She doesn't email me often at all or call me because she's bored with it. When she's with me she sends texts all the time because we're never doing anything exciting enough or busy enough to not. She doesn't say how much she wishes we live together so much now because she's rethinking it, she tells me she's glad I'm thinking of staying an ALT next year instead of looking into the job her family friend is potentially offering because of how awkward it would be if I took it and we broke up. She doesn't wear the diamond and platinum ring I gave her because she isn't proud to have it anymore and wearing it makes her hand and heart feel heavy. She tells me she can't really take any long vacations this year because she asked a huge favor going to America, but then goes to Korea for three days with her friends, and goes snowboarding later.

These are, of course, my paranoid interpretations of her actions. We're both well aware of how much I do this. And I've told her before, it's a lot less to do with her than it is to do with me. Every time we talk, I feel like a dumbass.

She doesn't text me because she's busy as hell when she's at work. I respect that she works so hard, it's her dream. When she gets home, she's so tired she falls asleep, I know how much that girl loves sleep, she literally falls asleep in 10 seconds given a pillow.
She texts people when we're together because that's the only free time she ever has and she gives it up to be with me. Damn near all of the time it's work related.
She's relieved about me being an ALT because she's second guessing her family friend, and the company and type of work he really does, since he never really talks about it in detail. And the economy is crap, and I need job security.
She probably doesn't talk about living together because it's a given, and maybe she doesn't wanna pressure me.
She doesn't wear her ring to work because she can't wear it there, and most of the time I see her or she comes over, it's after work. She probably leaves it at home because she's scared to death of misplacing it.
A week is a huge favor here, she's right. And she has every right to spend time with her friends anytime she wants. I'm not making plans with her, so she has every right to fill her free time.

So my question is, why am I so unhappy with myself, and how the heck to I get out of that? What do I need to do to accept and improve myself such that I stop doubting myself so much, and putting those fears on others?

I need to knock this pity party shit off. I hate that I sit here and think about all these things, knowing that I'm not doing anything to make them better.
I feel fat? WORK OUT. STOP EATING LIKE A FUCKING PIG.
I feel like my life is a mess? CLEAN IT UP.
I feel boring and undeserving? START DOING SOMETHING WORTHY.

So, when I sit there and think about how I wish Saki would do this or that, or stop this or that, I know I'm sitting there saying "damnit I suck and I need to feel like I don't." I need to just start doing something. I know I'll only deserve a woman as wonderful as her as soon as I step up and start earning it.