The Cynic's Mirror

Gyoza and window shopping

2009-12-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

Went shopping with Saki in Harajuku yesterday. I haven't been down there in a while, and it was nice to walk around. The weather was great, so when we got there I took her first to Yoyogi Park to see the dancing Elvis' and take pictures of the falling leaves.

Then we walked back over to Takeshita St. and listened to Saki reminisce about how much she used to go down there when she was in junior high. Come to think of it, that whole street was more or less entirely populated by junior high schoolers.

And they were all eating crepes. Every single one of them. It's like some sort of unspoken rule around here that if you're in JHS you must eat crepes like there's no tomorrow. If you see a crepe stand, you are morally obligated to buy and consume one. Damn kids just can't say no. Not like I don't understand the attraction, they're freakin delicious, but, I mean, come on.

I also saw all the little decorations for sale that I see adorning my student's pencil cases and bags. Now I know where they come from.

I looked around for a jacket, but it was hard to find one that really fit my needs. Or my chest, but that's another story. I found a couple that I liked, but, then I start flip flopping over whether I should actually buy it. I certainly can't actually afford one now, not after the fiasco with my eye last week. But then, do I want a casual winter jacket, or a jacket I can wear to work? *sigh* Oh well, I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Normally I hate going shopping, it's just an endless stream of clothes that aren't really that great, being sold to me by clerks that aren't really interested in helping me find something that looks good. Actually, helping my date find something she likes, I very rarely actually look for stuff for myself, and even more rarely are sold anything by the staff. They tend to avoid me like the plague, unless it's to bounce a salespitch off the boyfriend to get to the girl. Most of the time, the staff only ever say to me "That's not gonna fit you," or "That's too small for you." Which, though probably true, is frustrating. What do tall Japanese do when they go shopping? Yeesh.

But this time around was somehow a little bit more tolerable. Maybe it's cause we had a fantastic gyoza lunch. That's always a good way to start.

Critical Thinking: Seasons

2009-11-23T18:05:00.000-08:00

Throughout the history of humanity, cultures have been fascinated with time, the cyclical nature of its passing, and the significance of points within that cycle.

The calendar we use today, the Gregorian calendar, starts in January and ends in December. But it wasn't always this way. It used to start in March. That would explain some of the oddly named months we have:
August was originally Sextilis in Latin, the sixth month.
September (the seventh month)
October (the eighth month)
November (the ninth month)
December (the tenth month)

Actually, go back far enough and there wasn't even a January or February to precede March, it was just March-December and then the nameless period of winter until March came back around.
But alas, I digress.

Why, now that we have a calendar that actually covers the entire year, start the year in January? Why not February? Why not July?

With a little thought, most people will make some association between the seasons. Actually, what they're really thinking is that it has to do with the solstices and equinoxes.

Most cultures (Northern hemisphere, mind you) tended to start things off on or around the Spring equinox, which is in March, and when you think about it makes some sense. It's when things start to grow again, it's officially lighter than darker. At least in theory it ought to be getting warmer again. Things have reached their balance point, so, let's start from there. Right?

But here we have this calendar that says the new year starts after the Winter solstice. Why start a year when it's freezing cold outside(or blazing hot)?

Though I can't say for sure, I'd imagine it's a difference in perspective. If you think of the solistices as -1 and 1 in terms of temperature, alignment to the sun, length of daylight, etc, then then the equinoxes are 0. Zero is kind of accepted as the starting point.

But that's only if you're middle-centric. Some people define things by their limits rather than their average. Rather than start when everything is average, start at the extreme.

I've identified a couple things as factors in deciding when to start a year, if you're going to base it off of the earth's position in the solar system, and not some other arbitrary thing.
1) Do you view the start as the balance point, or the extreme?
2) Do you go by the point of change or the point of perception?
Then, in addition, which balance point? Which extreme do you start from? What factors affect this decision?

Let's think about this in a little more detail.
1) Do you view the start as the balance point, or the extreme?

Like I said earlier, if you think about the equinoxes as 0, and the solstices as -1 and 1, then you're likely to chose either Spring or Fall as your starting point, since we tend to want to start from 0. This kind of creates the idea that the start ought to be the same as the point where, if the length of the days were static and had no fluctuation in temperature, it would be. It's taking the global average and saying, whenever that happens, start there. The earth has reached/returned to balance, let's start something new. Then it's just a matter of which one to start by, since there are two. I think as soon as you do that it becomes subjective, a cultural or emotional preference. Do you start when things are starting to get warmer, or when things are starting to get colder? I think in general, we tend to want to call things a beginning when numbers are increasing rather than decreasing, and as such we might be inclined to choose Spring over Fall.

If you prefer to go by extremes, then you say, the December solstice is the absolute shortest day, and the July solstice is the absolute longest, and the equinoxes are just the halfway points in between. It says, from this point the days are done getting shorter; the days are done getting longer. So, from this day forward, days will start to get longer or shorter, so let's call this the start. The same, awkwardly, cannot be said for the temperature, which, thanks to the laws of physics, lags a little bit, but I'll touch on this in detail more a bit later. Then, it's just a matter of which one to start by, and I think the human psyche tends to associate increase and elongation with growth and therefore beginning, and as such prefers winter over summer for the new year. Even this though, shows the subjectivity of the observer, as after the summer solstice, even though the days are getting shorter, the length of night is increasing, yet that increase is thought of as less of a beginning than its daytime counterpart.

2) Do you go by the point of change or the point of perception?

I think most people have noticed by now that the solstices are by far neither the hottest nor the coldest days of the year. In the northern hemisphere, August tends to be the hottest month, a month or so after the solstice. Late January/February tend to be the coldest (statistically it's January but my toes tend to disagree). This is despite the fact that the solstices are in July and December.

There are a couple factors that influence this, namely to do with inertia, or at least, the tendency of things to remain the way they are. In summer, even though after the solstice the days are getting shorter, August is still very hot because of the residual heat. When it's already hot to begin with, it doesn't take that much to keep it going. Same with winter. Even though the days are getting longer, it takes a while for the extra energy bombarding that part of the earth to build up to the point it can really make a difference.

Think about it this way: if you tie a ball to a rubber band and swing it one way, then start to swing it the other, even though the point at which you stopped exerting energy in one direction and started exerting energy in the other has passed, the ball continues to go the original direction for a little bit, until the residual energy runs out and is overcome by the energy being exerted to propel it in the other direction. The temperature does the same thing after each solstice, and it takes about a month to catch up with itself.

So, if you say that the year should start when the change starts, and the days start to get longer or the days start to get shorter then you'd want to go with summer or winter. But if you say the year should start when the reaction becomes noticeable, when the ice starts to melt and the flowers start to grow, or the leaves start to fall and the air starts cooling off, then you might want to go with spring or fall.

Then, it's just a matter of deciding which of the two to start from, and to do that you have to identify the cultural/psychological factors that affect such a decision.

The question:
In what month would you start the new year?

Identify the factors that influence your decision.

Would you start in winter, spring, summer, or fall? Or should some other factor dictate the start of the year?

How would you, if at all, identify the start in the cycle of seasons? How did you come to choose that period?

Do you tend to define a system by its average or its limits? Why do you prefer that system?

Which has more significance to you, the seasons and their weather, or the length of the days? Are these factors in your decision?

How do you think cultures in the past have chosen when to start their calendar year? Why do you think they chose what they did?

How do you think living in the opposite hemisphere would affect your view on seasons and the new year? Should calendars remain arbitrary, or relational to the season where the person is?

Backlog 3

2009-09-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

In June, well to be honest my memory of June is a little fuzzy, I can't really remember anything special going on in June, but I'll try to put something down anyway.

June....June...hmm. Ya. Got nothing. I'm sure I did something interesting...yeesh, this is embarassing. An entire month of my life, and nothing memorable enough to clearly remember 4 months later. Hmm. Guess we gotta skip to July.

*EDIT* Wait! I remembered! Starting in June, I became a member of Megalos, the gym that Saki and her family are members of. I decided it was finally time to, if only once in my life, get in good shape, and have a body I could be proud of. That, and, I suppose it's fair to say that I'm getting to bear near that age when I should consider taking better care of myself than I have in the past. So, Monday through Thursday after work I'd head straight to the gym, and I gotta be honest it's a weird feeling. Especially after hating on meatheads for so long, the last thing I've ever really wanted to be was that guy that goes to the gym and talks weights all day. So, I decided that, as with apparently all things in life, some degree of compromise was necessary, and I started working out. I don't want to get buff, I don't want to lift record weights, and I don't wanna be cocky about it either. I just wanna get some muscle tone and lose some of this gut. Well, the gut is dietary, so, I guess the point of the gym is just to get regular excercise. Anyway, ya, that's June. If I remember anything else, well, I'll just edit it in later. *EDIT*

On July 5th Richard and I went to try our hands again at the JLTP (Japaense Language Proficiency Test). Both of us navigated the maze of alleyways and residential sidestreets that made up the neigborhood near the test site campus, and somehow, as if by sheer luck or divine providence, found the place in time to take the test. After the first section, vocabulary and kanji, we both stepped outside to consult about our impressions. We both had the same look on our faces, that of the sheer exhaustion that only comes with spending a long time looking at a midterm or final exam and not knowing what on God's green Earth is written on the pages. It was hard. Much harder than the test we both took in December, even though we failed that one too. Richard looked about ready to give up and go home, I had to prod him to stay.

We finished it up though, and I think, at least for me, the last half of the test went much better than the first. The same though, cannot be said for Richard, unfortunately.

As it turns out, I passed the test this time around by the same margin with which I failed the test last time. Richard on the other hand, got the worst score of all the many times he's taken the test, and I wonder about the effect that's had on him. Maybe it will finally encourage him to study, or maybe it will discourage him and he'll give up. Maybe nothing will change at all. Who knows. But it appears that the time I put in studying in the months between December and July paid off. So now I am officially a Level 2 speaker of Japanese.

I'd be more excited about it except that for all intents and purposes you have to be Level 1 to really do anything. It used to be that you could get a job that required Japanese if you had Level 2, but increasingly 1 is needed to get anything halfway resembling normal. So, I guess from here it's back to the books to get ready for that nightmare of a test.

Backlog 2

2009-09-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

Let's continue with the backblogging, yes?

May was the month of Golden Week, the famous set of consecutive public holidays that make up the Japanese equivalent of spring break. Er, late spring, pre-summer break. Now, I would say that I look forward to it, and that it's something to be excited about, but the thing is, the way things work around here, anytime you have a holiday, the entire country jumps on the opportunity to make up for lost chances to do anything. I think most people figure that on a regular weekend, you can't actually do anything meaningful. That and most people work 6 days weeks around here so a Saturday to Sunday trip is usually not do-able. But when Golden Week rolls around, it's a mad dash to go somewhere, anywhere, and wherever it is they (read: the entire country) choose to go, it's almost guaranteed to be exactly where you were thinking of going.

There's no avoiding the traffic. No matter the highway, road, alleyway, footbridge, whatever you decide to take, you're screwed. It's gridlock, 6am-10pm. The early risers get out on the road and maybe really can make some good progress, but they've only got about an hour before the entire rest of the populations joins them on the road. It's a controlled stampede. A very, very slow moving stampede. I figure if you lived outside Tokyo and wanted to visit there on a holiday, you'd have no idea there was such a thing as a traffic jam. You'd be going in when people are going out, and going out when people are coming back. But, sadly, no one seems to do that. Actually, I'm glad they don't cause I'd be tempted to throw things at them while I'm taking a walk on the shoulder for lack of anything better to do.

Take LA rush hour, extend it to and entire day, and expand it to every road in the state of California. That's basically the scope and scale of it.

Now, after reading all that, I'm sure you're thinking I had some miserable experience over Golden Week getting stuck in traffic, but to be completely honest, at the moment I can't remember for the life of me what I did over Golden Week. It's entirely possbile I did nothing at all, since Saki was working the whole time. Who knows. Sorry!

Backlog 1

2009-09-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

I see my last post was in April, so since I'm free for the moment here at school I think I'll take a moment to update what's been going on in my life. So here is the first installment of what I'm sure will become a long and epic set of entries catching up on the past few months.

April marked the beginning of the new school year, and also the beginning of an emotional jounrey with Saki, exploring the effects her hormone therapy would have on our relationship. All in all, looking back, there was really nothing too major, but there were a lot of times when I ddn't know how to handle things. It took a lot of confidence, and I learned a lot about what it really takes to be there for someone. I leared that, to really support someone, it isn't just being around, it's being strong, and by that, I mean being the confidence and calm you hope to impress upon the person you're supporting. I learned a lot about myself in the process, and I think I have become better at controlling my own inate fears and insecurities. I can't say I'm not thankful, honestly, to have had this experience.
Saki has more or less recovered from her surgery, which she underwent to remove an endometriotic cyst that had formed on her left ovary, taking about 66% of the ovary itself with it.

Thought I never mentioned it here, in March, I said goodbye to one of the best friends I've ever had, Greg. He decided to go back to Oregon at the end of the school year to go to graduate school and make something more of himself. He decided in the end that the company for which we both work had no real opprtunity for advancement, and as such, made the hard decision to return home in pursuit of his future. I wish him the best of luck in that of course, and hope that at some point in his journey his road leads him back here, seeing as it appears I'm going to be here for quite a while.
But, as will prove to be the case increasingly over the next few months, last man standing gets the riches, and as a result, I inherited a great deal of Greg's old stuff, including but not limited to a loveseat, futon set, 5.1 surround speaker system, cutlery, a massive DVD collection, and, though it was partially mine to begin with, a Nintendo Wii, complete with a couple of fun games.

At this point, Ty had moved out as well, having moved in with his newlywed wife Aco in Bunga, a suburb of Kashiwa. Everything Ty left behind became more or less mine as well, including, but not limited to, the cat. "The cat comes with the apartment," he says. This'll come to play a little later on.

Somewhere along the line I got some new suits as well.

That's backlog 1, March/April.

Perseverance is a good thing, I think.

2009-04-27T04:29:00.000-07:00

So recently I've been teaching Saki's dad English, we meet once a week or so, and instead of the traditional, sit around at a table and have a fixed lesson thing, we've decided to take the, let's play drinking games and get you acquainted with how people actually talk in the real world approach. It seems to be going alright, I have paper and everything there so I can write down things that we've all said so we can look back at them later, but the thing I like about it the most is that we get to play drinking games together, and that's something that works to bring us all closer together, because drinking games, aside from getting everyone involved righteously drunk, also serve to help people get to know each other better, which is something that her father and I desperately need to do.

It dawned on me the other day, while I was talking to Saki about how humorous it is that her dad, who speaks absolutely crap English, wants to learn English, that the reason for him wanting to do so has nothing to do with what he originally said about making a promise at work that he would learn conversational English to help out the business. See, at first, I thought he just wanted to learn English, but then I came to understand that he wants really to learn English that can be used at the dinner table, or at a bar, and slowly but surely, I think I've come to understand the reasoning behind it.

It's dawned on Saki's dad, herein referred to as Tomoaki, or Tomo, that there's a very real chance, in all reality a pretty much guaranteed fact, that I'm going to marry his daughter. And that means, moreso than speaking to me directly, that he's going to have to have drinks with my dad at some point. I mean, I'm sure it's on his wish list to be able to communicate freely with me, but I think, from a father's point of view, what he wants is to be able to create a connection with my family, and connect with my father, as only two fathers can, brought together by the seemingly random selection of the universe in having their offspring wed. This brings a smile to my face every time I think of this, and I'm really glad we decided that Saki would be there every time we study English, so that not only can he have someone there to translate if absolutely necessary, but so that she can learn some English at the same time as well.

I had dinner over at their house last night, for the first time in a couple months. I was really worried that I was in the doghouse with her mom, after getting stuck in the middle of a fight between Saki and her. But, we were civil for most of the night, and I did my best to involve her in everything I could. Eventually of course, she had had enough to drink to start bringing up the same issues that she's always had with us dating, at which point Tomo bolted faster than my cat ever has. But I tackled it head on, especially when she started bringing up Nova and my relationship to Saki. I asked her straight up, how Mike is doing, and we had a brief discussion about how I think that there is no fundamental difference between Mike and Takae hanging out, and Saki and I dating. I finally came to understand why it is that Takae thinks it's against the rules for me to date Saki; apparently she thinks that back in the day when they created the rule that students were not supposed to hang out with teachers, that it was created to protect the students because the teachers were by and large out to have sex with the students ,and that made teaching them very awkward, as opposed to the reality that they made the rule to keep students from getting free lessons by making friends with the teachers and then hanging out with them outside of Nova. I think it was good that we got that cleared out and out of the way, but I suppose there are going to be a few more conversations to that end in the future, just to make sure that we both know where we are coming from. I want her to know that I have the best of intentions and that she has nothing to be worried about i my dating her daughter.

Anyway, I'm glad that we got a chance to talk, and by the time I left it seemed that we were alright again, like nothing had happened, and honestly I think she and I are on better terms now than when I showed up. I think I've made progress, and I'm really happy about that. After a few more times of her getting drunk enough to come out with what she's really thinking, I think I'll finally be able to get on an even level with her, and really start things over ther way they should be.

I think it's gonna work out. I think I can do this. I'm just going to have to really put some effort in and not give up. The more I persevere, the more I show them that I really mean this, the more I think I'm going to be given the chance to prove myself. Nice.

OK, back to watching Lost a little more before raid time comes along.

Stuck in the middle with you

2009-03-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

I was put in the middle of a fight this evening, between Saki and her mother.
I could go on for days as to why the fight happened in the first place, the underlying issues, the real fight they were having, what her mom is really angry about, but then this entry would single-handedly outlength all others combined.

The bottom line is, they had a fight, and I was standing there the whole time.

What the hell am I supposed to do in that situation? I can't step in.

What makes it worse, is that then, her mother looked at me, as I admittedly glared at her with straight up loathing, and asked me if I understood what they were talking about. Which I did, entirely, more so than her. She then told me I should think more about Saki's condition, having just gotten out of the hospital. I won't get into the details, but it was a ridiculous thing to say to me.

The thing that makes it worse, is that I can't say anything. I can't do anything. I can't fight with her, she's my girlfriend's mom. We're not married, and it's not my fight. But as if it weren't bad enough that she fought in front of me in the first place, then she had to not only drag me in, but ask an incredibly condescending question, and then, to top it all off, talk to me like it's my fault. Knowing the whole time, there's not a word I can say back. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

We wound up going to a manga cafe to eat our dinner that we had bought, and we laughed about how we felt like homeless people seeking shelter from the winter in a place like that. We dicked around on the internet for a while, and I think being there together really helped Saki.

But I worry, that she has these feelings that she's being forced to bottle up because she lives with her. And that scares me, because I don't want the same thing to happen to her as happened with her mom. I don't want her to be a slave to feelings she was never allowed to talk about. So, my job is to be there to help her let those things out, before they become a toxic poison inside her. I hope I can do that for her. That's my only goal.

Wall of Text

2009-02-25T17:05:00.000-08:00

I think what I talked about in my last entry really had an impact on my outlook on things, for the better.

I started thinking not on what was wrong, or how bad I felt, but what I could do to make things better. I started thinking about what I could do when she came over to help her have a good time, to help her relax, to enjoy our time together as much as possible, and when I started thinking about that all of a sudden my perspective shifted and I was looking forward to seeing her again.

And so, when she called, I asked about her day, and her oral surgery that she had just finished, and invited her over to enjoy some quality time with me and the some crazy rabbids (sic), courtesy of my new Wii. She cheerily said ok, and when she got here, I noticed her haircut, she noticed how long my hair has gotten, and we both had a good laugh saying that we both look like we went back in time, she to when we first met (her haircut is exactly the same as 2 years ago this time) and me to basically high school, minus the blonde.

I made her chicken soup for dinner, a first for me, and a success at that, and we relaxed, goofed off, competed against each other, and had a good time.

I've discovered, which come to think of it should be pretty obvious, that the mood of our getting together is exactly the mood I bring into it. If I come into it down, it's down, if I come into it with pep and excitement, guess what? Yea, peppy and exciting. So, my advice to myself, to focus more on the positive, and creating a good atmosphere, really seemed to work.

Ty made a comment to me last night before going to bed that most likely, my fears and concerns were founded more in the fact that I just missed her like crazy, and my longing to spend time with her fueled my funk. He's probably right.

I'll take this time to remind myself once again, of the Fundamental Attribution Error, which is so prevalent in our evaluation and decision making processes. People tend to be vastly unaware of the effect their environment and outside forces are having on their feelings, observations, and actions. This needs to be considered more carefully and thoughtfully when looking at a situation.

Having said that, it's very difficult, as I'm sure you can all attest, to take feelings that you have, based on emotions rather than logic, and use reasoning to attempt to override them.

Here's a conversation I'm sure we've all had with ourselves or someone else at some point:

"Paul is being such a jerk."
"He's probably just busy."
"I dunno, I mean, he's been so snappish."
"He's under a lot of stress now, in his new position. He's got big shoes to fill."
"What did I do to make him be so mean to me?"
"Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just comes across that way when you interact with him."
"I just feel like he's out to get me."

Right? Something like that?

Anyway, the point is even though I'm aware of the FAE, it's damn hard to do anything about it. This, most likely, is due to being completely unware of the actual factors influencing my behavior.

See, there are 4 types of information, as pointed out by a self help session leader that my parents brought me to one day, not because I needed it but because they did, and thought it would do me some good. Well, for all I know I do need it, but that's another story. Anyway...

There are 4 types of information subjective to a person:
Things you know you know
Things you know you don't know
Things you don't know you know
Things you don't know you don't know

We tend to grossly, grossly over/underestimate the sizes of these groups. The primary cause of the FAE, I assume, is that the size of the 4th type, things we don't know we don't know, is so disproportionally large, and environmental factors generally all fit in to that category. Either that or things we don't know we know. Perhaps I've noticed all these things, but consciously I haven't put those pieces together. I might know all the factors that contribute to the situation, but either not aware of them at all or have failed to make a meaningful connection.

Most likely though, the causes are based in things that not only do I not know, but have no idea I don't know. I can say, work could be a factor, but I don't know for sure. That's something I know I don't know. But there are a whole slew of things that I haven't come up with or thought about that may or may not contribute, and thanks to the incredibly complex filtration system set up by our brains, I probably would never come up with either.

Or maybe, I know exactly why things are how they are, but I simply choose to ignore them because I have some kind of preference for what I want it to be. That of course raises the question, why the heck would I want my relationship to be in disarray? That calls for some introspection.

Get Over It

2009-02-24T17:19:00.000-08:00

No matter what it is, it seems that the answer to all life's problems, especially ones regarding interpersonal relationships, seems to be that.

Eek, I'm blogging from work. I think in some way that makes me a bad person. I should be working, but the thing is I only have two classes today, and even then there's no prepatation for them and I know exactly what we're doing. The bad thing is the phone is on my desk, so teachers stand in front of me a lot. Hmmm.

Anyway, I've been thinking about the funk I'm in regarding my S.O. recently, and after talking with Ty a little and reading what some other people have discussed, I've decided, much how I'm sure she would tell me as well, that I'm just thinking about it too much. There's a surprise.

The pattern in her behavior I'm taking issue with isn't new, it's not a recent development, so why all of a sudden should I find it unacceptable? I'm the one that's changed, why am I taking issue with her? Doesn't make sense, so.

She's not the call, talk on the phone all the time type. I never see her on the phone basically ever. She texts people, but it's not really anything I should be worried about. There's no problem with her not calling me all the time, she doesn't call anyone really. Tadaa, no problem.

If she's the type that waits for the guy to call, that wants the guy to make the decisions, the type that was raised with more conservative traditional relationship values, then you could say, from her point of view, I'm screwing this up royally by basically not only faulting her for doing what she thinks is only proper, but putting her in an impossible position by essentially demanding that she violate those norms for me. All of a sudden I'm boxing her in, adding stress to her life at a time when she's already got so much, because of things at work.

It's my job, as her boyfriend, to do everything in my power to take away her stress, to help her feel relaxed. I thought about that last night when I had a brief moment of clarity. She comes to me to get away from the stress of her life, to help it go away, and now I'm adding to that stress. Why would she come to me when I'm doing exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to? No wonder she's going to the gym instead of hanging out with me. The gym doesn't create stress.

So, if I want to be happy in this relationship, I need to be more aware of the factors in play, and do my job as her boyfriend better. I need to be the oasis in her life again. And I need to take the reigns and start leading the way, because maybe what she wants after having all that weight on her shoulders, is for someone to carry her just for a little bit.

I think I can do that.

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

2009-02-23T00:56:00.001-08:00

We had our BoE meeting today, and as always it was productive, informative, and well worth spending my time going. Minus everything past the first comma.

That's not entirely true, I mean, we talked about next year's schedule, and how things are going to be different in terms of the number of schools and the number of lessons we teach. Fewer schools, more lessons, same pay, essentially. My company has got this interesting thing going on where we can't work more than 29.5 hours in a week, yet somehow we're expected to be available to work, and at school, from 8-5, or more 8:30-4:30. It's set up so that anytime I'm not in class I'm on break. I dunno, it's a weird system, it's basically a sham, but whatever.

Anyway, I'm frustrated. Really really frustrated. I guess part of it has to do with work, I'm feeling awful trapped lately, like I'm not going anywhere but have nowhere to go. I want to move up, do better things, more important things, more lucrative things, but the option I kinda have is in a business category that I think of as particularly unsafe atm, i.e. banking, so it's either take a chance on a business that might not do so hot or have to lay me off, or stick with what I have a little while longer and feel increasingly like I'm going nowhere. Or bail on it all and go home and go to grad school.

And then, to make things worse, I'm transposing my anxiety onto Saki, and I've got it in my head now that she's bored to tears with me, cause let's face it I'm a pretty boring guy deep down, and she's looking at me wondering what she's doing still being with me. I know I do this, transpose my fears onto others, and I know I shouldn't. I trust Saki to be honest with me about her feelings. Or do I? I have very, very little faith that Japanese will tell their true feelings about something to someone directly, but I don't know how far into even personal romantic relationships that extends. Certainly in the public sector one would never talk about it, but I've never been with a Japanese girl to know the signs of holding back.

All I know are the Western signs of holding back, all of which all Japanese exhibit to such an extent I can't distinguish it from anything deeper.

On top of all that, I've gained weight over the winter, something I'm extremely dissatisfied with, and so of course I'm transposing that on her too. I guess my thinking is, I'm not happy with myself, why the heck should she be? If it's so obvious to me, she's not stupid, she has to have noticed too. Especially when she pokes at my tummy, which she does a lot. And invites me to go to the gym with her.

So then, I look at her through these jaded goggles and her actions all fit. She doesn't email me often at all or call me because she's bored with it. When she's with me she sends texts all the time because we're never doing anything exciting enough or busy enough to not. She doesn't say how much she wishes we live together so much now because she's rethinking it, she tells me she's glad I'm thinking of staying an ALT next year instead of looking into the job her family friend is potentially offering because of how awkward it would be if I took it and we broke up. She doesn't wear the diamond and platinum ring I gave her because she isn't proud to have it anymore and wearing it makes her hand and heart feel heavy. She tells me she can't really take any long vacations this year because she asked a huge favor going to America, but then goes to Korea for three days with her friends, and goes snowboarding later.

These are, of course, my paranoid interpretations of her actions. We're both well aware of how much I do this. And I've told her before, it's a lot less to do with her than it is to do with me. Every time we talk, I feel like a dumbass.

She doesn't text me because she's busy as hell when she's at work. I respect that she works so hard, it's her dream. When she gets home, she's so tired she falls asleep, I know how much that girl loves sleep, she literally falls asleep in 10 seconds given a pillow.
She texts people when we're together because that's the only free time she ever has and she gives it up to be with me. Damn near all of the time it's work related.
She's relieved about me being an ALT because she's second guessing her family friend, and the company and type of work he really does, since he never really talks about it in detail. And the economy is crap, and I need job security.
She probably doesn't talk about living together because it's a given, and maybe she doesn't wanna pressure me.
She doesn't wear her ring to work because she can't wear it there, and most of the time I see her or she comes over, it's after work. She probably leaves it at home because she's scared to death of misplacing it.
A week is a huge favor here, she's right. And she has every right to spend time with her friends anytime she wants. I'm not making plans with her, so she has every right to fill her free time.

So my question is, why am I so unhappy with myself, and how the heck to I get out of that? What do I need to do to accept and improve myself such that I stop doubting myself so much, and putting those fears on others?

I need to knock this pity party shit off. I hate that I sit here and think about all these things, knowing that I'm not doing anything to make them better.
I feel fat? WORK OUT. STOP EATING LIKE A FUCKING PIG.
I feel like my life is a mess? CLEAN IT UP.
I feel boring and undeserving? START DOING SOMETHING WORTHY.

So, when I sit there and think about how I wish Saki would do this or that, or stop this or that, I know I'm sitting there saying "damnit I suck and I need to feel like I don't." I need to just start doing something. I know I'll only deserve a woman as wonderful as her as soon as I step up and start earning it.

All in the Mindset

2009-02-17T05:58:00.000-08:00

If you look back, over the last two years or so of this blog, and take a look at the days I post, there's a pattern to be noticed. That is, I guess, if you feel like decoding the difference between the timezones and datelines. If you can guess the origin of that pattern, I'll give you bonus points.

I essentially had nothing to do this evening, even though I took off from work right after lunch since I had no afternoon class, and I was sitting there at about 4:45 thinking to myself, "Christ man, I'm bored. It's still light out and I am literally bored to tears. This bites." Yes, I still say things bite, just quietly and to myself. Er, and the internet.

Anyway, I had this flashback, several actually, to the other week when I went to the gym with Saki. She and her family recently joined up at the gym that you trip over walking to their new place from the station, and along with her membership she got a couple free guest tickets, which she invited me to use one day during the course of conversation. So one day when she had the day off and I finished school relatively early, I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said "じゃあ、一緒にジムに行こうか” and, being the adventurous type, I said sure, fuck it, let's go to the gym together. I'm always up for a new experience and like hell I'm gonna turn down a departure from her coming over and us doing the regular cook dinner and watch TV till 11:30 thing. Besides, drinking after a workout is just fantastic. You turn into a cheap drunk. Also nice.

So we went, worked out, Saki made fun of my inflexibility, and then I got to be a man at the gym, lifting far more than her and even, though I'd never admit it, impressing myself a bit too. I'm not known for being excessively (read: at all) manly, so it was maybe her first time seeing me use brute strength. But I digress.

The point of all that is, that we went jogging at the gym too. For an hour, including lead in and cool down, which was impressive for both of us, and a first as well. I wasn't really even tired afterward, which was a double shock. I felt great afterward. So then we went and drank. Fun times.

And then I thought, coming back to my flashbacks, back to last summer, when I went jogging a whole lot and lost zero weight and gave up, but still I was jogging regularly.

And then I thought about the translation work I've been doing for Mayumi, my Japanese teacher and former student from Nova. She's translating a book called Sydney! about Japanese marathon runners at the Sydney Summer Olympics, and wanted me to edit and correct a 10 page section of it. So, I got to do a lot of cross checking and such, but in the process learned a bit about marathon runners, and that lifestyle. So it's been on my mind since early January, kinda stewing in there, ready to work itself into my unsuspecting life.

So, in my boredom, I got this great idea, seemingly out of nowhere, to go for a jog. I did my stretching routine, which somehow or other magically appeared on my computer some time after going to the gym with Saki, and have set to do every morning as an alarm that goes off at 7am, and went outside in the cold windy weather to see if I could channel the marathon runner in me.

I looked at the time before heading out, reminded of my summer jogging that I thought took forever but in fact always ended up taking like 20 minutes, much to my chagrin. 5:05. K. I wanna be gone for an hour.

Anyway, to make a long story short(er), when I walked back in the door, it was 6:03. I did it.

And the best part was, I wasn't even tired. I ran three times the distance I was jogging back in the summer, after which I was too tired to continue, and now it's like it was nothing. I was energized. On the way back, I didn't wanna stop jogging. I started to walk for my cool down, and my legs were begging me to keep jogging. I felt this tension in my body like I've never known before to keep going, I just had to. So I did. And it felt good. Damn good. Like, things I shouldn't be doing good. Drunk with power good.

In Flames

2009-02-16T01:57:00.001-08:00

I got home today, and I go out into the kitchen to make myself some of my delicious homemade spicy BBQ sauce, which consists of, well, secret yet delicious ingredients, when I came upon a most disturbing scene.

Maybe later I'll post a pic, but basically, well wait no lemme give you some background. It's better from a writer's perspective, and it's more engaging I think for the reader.

See, I'm not much of a coffee person. When I was young, my brother and I used to hate waking up to the house reeking of coffee. We had a saying, that it tasted like hot water with a brown crayon dipped in it. We were consistently nonplussed at the thought of people actually liking it.

Over time, especially since being in Japan, and having it offered to me basically every ten minutes cause without it the business world would come crashing down on itself, not that it already hasn't, I've come to accept coffee. Not like it, mind you, but accept it. Saki drinks coffee, so I keep some at home for when she's here, and for when I'm sleepier than I am drunk, and need a pick-me up.

The smell, which for me is the worst, is avoided luckily by Japan's freakish love of instant coffee. Maybe it's the fact that they ALWAYS have a pot of hot water because of the incredible amount of tea they drink, so it's convenient to use instant. Maybe it's because you can control the concentration of coffee to water, which is also convenient for people that want strong ass coffee. But who knows. For whatever reason, that's how it is, and like hell am I going to tolerate having a coffee maker in the house.

My roommate, however, being an online gamer on a level far surpassing my own, is routinely up until 5am raiding, and as such, consumes an unholy amount of instant coffee. How he does this is beyond me, but that's the reality of it. He really loves his gaming, so much so that when he got here, he went out and constructed his own gaming computer, built it to his own spec, so he could maximize his gaming experience. His old headphones just weren't cutting it, so he went and bought some of those pro-gamer ultra headphones with built in mic so he can use Vent or whatever EQ2 players use for raid voice chat. He leads raids sometimes, so, I can understand the necessity.

But you see herein lies the rub. I have a coffee chugging raid-leading professional-grade headphone wearing gamer as a roommate, and this is problematic. Why you say? Let's take a look:

What do you need to make coffee, namely of the instant variety?
1) A cup
2) Instant Coffee
3) Hot water
4) (Optional) Stirring utensil

Let's focus on number 3, since it's the only thing that requires any effort whatsoever.
How does one go about getting hot water?

Well, like I said, no hot water maker, so that leaves the microwave and the stove. My roommate uses a thermo-insulated metal plated coffee mug, so, that kinda eliminates the microwave, leaving the stove. Let's just assume the vast majority of semi-rational human beings thusly use a teakettle to heat up their water. That's what we do.

Now let's look at the teakettle. How are these things designed? Well, I think the predominant feature that sets teakettles apart from other kitchen items is its unique spout with lid, complete with little hole.

What's the purpose of that hole anyway, one wonders? Well, in order to produce that signature teakettle whistle, silly! See, the water heats up, and starts eventually to boil, this produces steam and the resulting water vapor creates pressure inside the teakettle which eventually jets out through that tiny hole in the lid at such a velocity that it whistles, and quite loudly at that. So loudly, in fact, that it's pretty damned hard to miss it.

Pretty damned hard, but not impossible. Especially when you have professional-grade headphones, and are leading a raid and can't hear a damn thing even when it's a foot away from your face.

Now that I've given you some backstory, can you guess where I'm going with this? A little more interesting, perhaps? Feel more involved? Good. Maybe now you'll understand exactly what I thought when I saw the black and white remains of our teakettle, the plastic on the lid melted, the metal fused with the spout itself. Oxides of whatever metal made up the pot caked around the bottom, now completely white. I thought, for a moment, about the fact the whole house could have been burning down and he wouldn't have realized it. I thought briefly on how long it would have taken for the kettle to reach that point. All the water had to boil completely off, and then just sat there with the flame under it for quite a while. Turns out it was over an hour. All the while, it was screaming its ass off whistling, and no one was around to turn it off, except the guy who was boiling it in the first place, who had completely forgotten and couldn't hear it at all.

Ugh. Love my life.

Virtue by Comparison

2009-02-15T00:48:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend works at a hospital, she's a pathologist, so often she is required to stay overnight in case there are people who need emergency blood work etc done. Yesterday was one such day, and so this afternoon, when she finished, she came over here. She's now occupying my futon. I started out in there with her, but eventually I got restless as I, on the other hand, got a full night's sleep, and so I got up for a little bit and dicked around on the compie.

But, of course, not being one to want a girlfriend to be lonely in my own house, I crawled back into bed.

And got slowly nudged out. This girl really knows how to sleep using an entire bed. Anyway, so here I am, back on the compie, cause there's really nothing better to do, and I don't wanna wake her up cause she worked hard all night.

We're going to a dinner party at Bryan's tonight, I guess a bunch of people are coming. He's living by himself these days now that Nicki and Amanda have gone back to their respective countries, so at least there will be plenty of space to move around and sit and talk.

I got the results back yesterday from the Japanese Language Ability Exam that I took back in December. Why it took three months to process the results of a Scan-Tron test is beyond me, but oh well. Before I took the test, I hypothesized that my score would most likely be painfully close to passing, I could sense it well before I even took the test. After taking it, I felt the same way. I took a practice test the day before and I got 58.5%, which is 1.5% shy of passing. So when I opened the card, and looked at the score, I can honestly say I was in no way surprised.

233/400. 58.25%. So, it looks like I'll be taking the test again in July, and really going for it. If all the half-assed studying I did brought me that close to passing, if I really button down and actually attempt to master the material, I figure I can pass with a pretty decent score. Not that I'm trying to rationalize the failure, but even if I passed with a 60%, there really would be no real sense of accomplishment at passing with a D----. If I'm gonna pass, I want it to be like all the other tests I've taken in my life and pass with flying colors.

So, here's to studying more. Vinnie, who I ran into at the test place, turns out to have gotten a 49%, and Richard, who I went with, got the worst of the three of us with a 45%. So, at least I know I was the best among my friends. Not that virtue by comparison really counts for much.

Down the Tubes

2009-02-03T01:05:00.000-08:00

In an ongoing saga, we finally called in a plumber to take a look at our leaky broken toilet this afternoon.

About a week or so ago, we noticed the tank was constantly dripping, and so, being the handyman that I am, I popped open the lid and had a look under the hood to assess the situation. Of course, in classic style, doing so only exacerbated the situation by finalizing the damage that was already done and causing the minor leak.

A PVC pipe in there had cracked, and was allowing water into the overflow causing the tank to essentially constantly try to fill itself, at the rate of a small trickle. When I touched it, it just snapped right off, so I had to get creative in my solution.

Much duct tape was used. Much hand washing was involved. All to little avail.

But a temporary cessation was achieved, so I was satisfied, until we all kinda realized, that leak wasn't gonna stop. Isn't, I should say, as it continues to this day.

We experimented with several things to make the haphazard fix job more workable. I had to adjust the handle so the sealing ball wouldn't pop out, since without the pipe there is nothing to keep the ball from just shooting up when you flush. And then we tried several things to either increase or decrease the buoyancy of the float, in an attempt to trick it into thinking it was full and stop dripping, all to no effect.

Duct tape being the obvious solution, save WD-40 which I couldn't figure out a practical way to use in this situation, I tried duct taping styrofoam packing peanuts to it, to no avail. Then Dave suggested we make it heavier, so the water flow would be fast enough to get past the stop point before reaching trickle-mode, to no avail. Neither of these, if you think about it, would really do any good, and even if it were to, the constant trickle leak from the tank to the bowl would eventually make it want to fill again anyway.

So, after a week of emotions which perfectly match the Stages of Acceptance, we finally just called a plumber, who took a look at it, tried to fix it, and eventually said, "Yea, I don't have the parts on me to fix this, we'll give you a call in the morning and we'll take it from there."

This is, of course, after ransacking the house trying to find the instruction manual for the toilet (I didn't even know such things existed, but hey, it's Japan, so surely there was one, and hey, I'm from America and never actually have bought a toilet before to know if there is such a manual there either.), and while doing so, him calling the landlord to ask if they had the specs on the toilet, to, guess what, no avail.

So, here we are, with a toilet that's even less functional than before the plumber got here, three guys that produce no small quantity of bodily waste, and a night of trying to cope until the morning, when we'll have a different solution, and a different quote from the plumber. I'm sure the part will turn out to be rare indeed, because our toilet is undoubtedly no longer made, and the parts are no longer readily available, and as such will be a costly endeavor, as these things always are.

So not only is the water bill going to be high, but the cost of fixing the damned toilet will be more, most likely.

Grr. And all this time I thought my MacGyver-like skills could get us through this time of crisis.

And, to make things worse, the internet is crapping out on us. Slow as all get out. Which means no escaping to Internet Land, aside from posting lengthy blogs about the waterworks. Such is life.

Streeeeeetch it out

2009-02-02T02:03:00.001-08:00

I've set an alarm for 7am every morning with the note "STRETCH!" as part of my newly started effort to attempt to get into shape. Notice how I've already written an out into that statement.

But it gets me out of bed and a bit more active, and one step closer to not having physical therapists gawk in amazement at the tightness of my hamstrings. Maybe it will help with the pain associated with standing for long periods of time/sitting for long periods of time.

Anyway, it gets me to fold up my futon in the morning, which gives me more floorspace, and it also puts me a lot closer to my actual floor, reminding me how dirty it gets, prompting me to vacuum a little more. And my clothes, which are normally scattered all over, are now interfering with my stretching, and have been moved to the closet, where they belong. And now that I don't have a futon to toss my shit on, my jacket etc goes in the closet where it belongs as well.

Hmm. Disturbing. I'll have to compensate through other vices.

Rawr

2009-02-02T00:58:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me: keep a journal. The more things you do, the harder it will be to remember them all.

It appears as if a great deal has gone unwritten.

Anyway, so I'm sitting in the shokuinshitsu this morning and out of nowhere Saito sensei says my name and announces that I'm the ALT this month, as if any other ALT is there any other month, and the whole room looks over at me, and I realize this is my cue to say something, along the lines of:
"Good morning, thank you all for having me, Happy New Year, I'm looking forward to working with you all, thank you for all your hard work."

So what do I bust out?

*nods while sitting* *small wave* *incredulous look*

Tadaa. I'm so damn good. My telepathy apparently was on the fritz.

Saki and I went to pick up the ring I got her for Christmas the other night, before going to a concert, and the first thing I said when she arrived was:
"Hey there! So, tell me a story! I'm sure you have an interesting one, about the 45 minutes between when we were supposed to meet and now. I'm looking forward to hearing it, cause I didn't hear a whole lot about it before."

Then she cried a little. And I felt like a colossal ass. Turns out she was writing a report for work. I just can't help myself, she's chronically late with no explanation and I'm chronically annoyed by having to wait around by myself places.

Gross, skip this if you need

2008-12-05T15:14:00.000-08:00

I had this weird ass dream last night that I had some kind of lump on my right forearm and I thought is was a pustule or something, and then I think it was a bot fly larva, anyway, I drilled a piece of gold metal into it, then put a plate over it or something, I think I was trying to pierce the skin to get it out. Then it got all crazy infected and I had to take the plates out but the screw was lodged in something, and I had to find a screwdriver to take it out, and then I had to take layer upon layer of bloody metal off and out of my arm, to reveal this cratered wound, and it was really gross and I knew it should have been painful but it wasn't, and the gore didn't bother me at all even though I winced in my dream.

Sorry to gross y'all out with that, I just didn't wanna forget it. Which of course, I did, until like two seconds ago when I found this little tiny zit or ingrown hair on my left arm, and the sensation of my dream came back to me and I realized there was nothing massively wrong with me. KK anyway, my Japanese test is tomorrow, I'm gonna try to study hard today.

Note to self:

2008-11-30T14:27:00.000-08:00

When your phone is on 'Silent', you alarm is also on 'Silent'.

Stuck in the Queue

2008-11-15T01:26:00.000-08:00

I'm bored for what seems the first time in ages, though in all reality I should be far from it. I should be busting balls studying for my Japanese language proficiency test I have coming up in a few weeks, but, instead I think I'll do some writing in the time before I head out to Kashiwa for Amanda's surprise going away party.
I went to Kusatsu with Saki last weekend, it was a really fun trip, I enjoyed it a lot. I took a lot of nice pictures, and experienced Japanese life a little more having my first fancy Japanese style meal in a tatami room, complete with yukata and onsen and everything else.

It's full on fall now, most of the leaves have already changed colors, or are rapidly approaching their end, and school is all kinds of cold these days. We've been doing speaking tests with the 2nd and 3rd graders, so I've been stationed out in the hall a lot the last week, which generally leaves my fingers as icicles rather than appendages.
It's fun to get to talk one on one with the students for a change, I get to see who actually has some ability to speak the language, but it reminds me a lot of when I was teaching eikaiwa. That made it easier though, because that kind of level assessment was something I did on a daily basis back then, so it was kind of nostalgic as well.

Tonight I had the option of going into Tokyo, Harajuku namely, to go to the wedding party of a co worker of mine, but I chose not to go at the last minute. Something about going all the way out to Tokyo these days is just something I can't be bothered to do. I loathe sitting on trains forever and going to events where I don't really know anyone. I should look forward to them, as I get to meet new people and all, but I'd say in the last year or two I've really kinda tried to stay away from it. It's not that I don't want to celebrate with them and congratulate her, I do, and if I had just gotten married I too would want to go into Tokyo instead of doing something local, but, I dunno. For someone I don't really know all that well and have never really hung out with, I somehow don't think it will be the end of the world. So, I wrote and told her my roommate got arrested and I had to go talk to the cops. Not something that hasn't ever happened, so it's not like I completely made something up, but...ya. I suck.

I went into Tokyo the other day though, Ueno actually, to meet up with Mike, a family friend of Saki and her mom. He used to work at Nova as well, a long while back, which is how he met Saki's mother and became friends with her. He's working for a financial firm in Tokyo now and Saki talked to him the last time they all got together about the possibility of me meeting him and pursuing work with his company. He was nice to get together with me and tell me about what he does, but when I explained to him that I was probably going to wait until the end of the school year because of my loyalty to the kids I teach, he kinda seemed like, oh, well, why are we here now, but, oh well. He seems like a nice guy and all, I give him that. But, as two guys who don't really know each other getting together to talk about something like that, I can't really complain that by the end of the night we weren't all super chummy and making plans to play rugby on the weekend. But it's opened up new doors for me, and I look forward to seeing how all that plays out.

But, speaking of lucrative careers, I have to congratulate my buddy Cole on his success in the web series he's a part of called The Scary City. It's crazy that I can look up my best friend's name and have him pop up on the IMDB and such. That would be all kinds of fun, and I really envy him that position. He's put a lot of work into it though, and such are the rewards, you know?

The job I would be taking would be a challenge, as I've been told, but that's the kind of thing I really think is rewarding in employment, and much everything else. Lots of fast paced stuff, on your feet all day, doing quick thinking in a fast paced environment. I know, I sound like I'm reading straight from a job description or a resume, but, that kinda thing is cool to me. I've always wanted to work in a situation like that because it gives me a chance to really shine when I do well at it. On the monetary side, it's a pretty lucrative job as well, starting off at nearly double what I make now. I probably never mentioned it here, but I've more or less set a goal for myself to have doubled my income compared to now by the time I'm 30. If I were to get this job, I would have that accomplished by 28 or 29. Something about making $60k/yr before getting married is kind of a cool thought.

Lately though, thinking about that job and all, I've really had to consider my life here in Japan as something that could be more or less a long term thing. I had considered it before, but never really put any serious though into it, but as time passes by, my desire for a more serious job increases, and my relationship with Saki becomes more serious, it's something that I have to put some real thought into. As Mike put it, there are other jobs out there, but once you get the hang of it, it's hard to justify walking away from it, given how well of you are for having it. That'd be an easy way to let 5 or 10 years slip by. I wonder how life would turn out that way. Someday I will return to America, it's just a matter of when, I guess, and on what terms.

I'm so happy that Obama won the election. I had a feeling, for a long time watching CNN and their ridiculous Poll of Polls that the results of the election itself would be far different from the ones they were proposing, but to actually see the extent to which Obama took that election really made me happy. It wasn't a, "Obama fought tooth and nail and squeezed out a victory" kind of thing it was a "ok, seriously, we're done with this crap, get the 'bama in here NOW" kind of thing. Though a large part of me wants to have renewed faith in America and the American people for choosing him so soundly, part of me also thinks about just how much it took to push the American people far enough to vote how they did. If this were just a normal election, devoid of the complete and utter incompetence of our current president, and Obama were to have run, how would it have turned out? What if Hillary had taken the nomination? These are the things that bother me. Ya, Obama won with 53% of the vote (something I'm sure Cole was very happy about), but on the other hand, 46% of voters chose McCain. That's still 46% percent of Americans I wanna dunk in cold water and slap in the face a few times.

And now, not only Americans, but the world at large, has placed all their hopes and dreams at the feet of the president elect, and the expectations for him are so high that I have a hard time seeing anyone managing to live up to them. That just sucks. You know? America does something good for itself for the first time in a long while, and now we have a situation where if he turns out to be anything less than Godly, he runs the risk of letting down essentially the entire world. How shitty is that, to have to carry that weight on your shoulders? But I wish him well in doing it, and hope sincerely it's within his ability. That is, in theory, why I and so many other voted for him. But then again, many voted for him just cause he wasn't the opposition, and some just vote party lines anyway, so, who knows. But, here's to having hope!

I'm trying to think about what I'll be doing during the Christmas vacation, which, much to my chagrin, is coming up fast. I know I'll be around in Japan, but I'd really like to do something other than sit around and play the new WoW expansion, tempting though that may be. I want to do some travel, even though it will be all kinds of stupid cold, but Saki and I have a classic dilemma on our hands that isn't easily resolved. See, she's a cold person and I'm a warm person. In winter, I want to go somewhere warm to get away from the cold, and she wants to go to the coldest place possible, to appreciate the season. It's kind of hard for me to appreciate being cold, but I guess I see the logic in it. It's cold, so, enjoy it for what it is. I'd respect it more if we didn't pull a 180 when it comes to summer. She wants to go someplace cool to escape the heat and I wanna go somewhere hot to fully appreciate the season. So, really it's not that she wants to appreciate the season, she just likes being cold and hates being hot. And I'm the same way, just vice versa. So travel destinations are always interesting to choose, but in the end the choice is simple; as long as I have any interest at all in going there, hot or cold, I'll go where she wants to go in winter, cause I have to assume she knows the good places better than I. At the end of the day, I still get to climb into bed with her and that's really all that concerns me.

I mentioned earlier the new expansion pack, and yet again Japan gets screwed and I have to wait until Monday to get it, even though it came out on Friday everywhere else. It's not like there are a ton of Japanese gold farmers, that's all China. I understand why they delay the release in countries like that, but here? Is it just because the market is smaller here? I don't know. I don't really care either, it just means that instead of spending this weekend, where Saki is away the whole time and I could be sitting at home studying Japanese, er, leveling my characters to 80, instead I'm here bored to tears, writing away endlessly in my blog which I haven't written in in the better part of 6 months, waiting to go to my friend's second going away party in a week, the first of which I missed. Why not, say, farm a little bit or do some stuff to get your characters ready for when you get the expansion, you ask? Well, I would, except that there are 1 hour+ queues to log in to any server on which I have a character, thanks to everyone in the world having purchased their copy already and goin nuts with the new content.

Why not play some other game, you might say. Well, I would, but I've not beaten Onimusha 1, 2, and 3, and unlocked ultimate mode and the alternate costumes on all of them, beaten the game on hard mode, gotten the black necklace and vest, etc etc. There's just nothing left for me to do on them. God of War fell pretty quickly too, but that's old news.

Why not study Japanese, you dumb procrastinating moron? Ah, now, that's a good one, one I'll have to put some thought into. I really ought to be doing that, eh? The Kanji are going to kill me. But I'm gonna give it my all, and we'll see how it goes. Actually, I'll restate that, I'll give it all I'm willing to, and we'll see how it goes. It's just a matter, I guess, of how much I'm willing to give. That, in and of itself, is a mystery to me.

WTB Central Air

2008-07-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

...so hot....work...turning into sweatlodge....

Now don't get me wrong, I love the heat, always have, but man. I'm a sweaty bitch these days. You know it's a bad thing when my room is the coolest place in my day.

Matsudo schools don't have air conditioning except for the teacher's room, so, it's all as one might, in this eco-friendly green-minded era, consider calling it "natural cooling" or "wind-powered air conditioning" maybe even "occasional wisp of warm, but still cooler than the room, air, that leaves you longing for that time you worked in a grocery store and could go hang out in the walk-in freezer".

Should I melt, I bequeath to you, my internet journal, my Husky brand utility knife.

In My Garage, I Feel Angst

2008-07-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

Ever since I had access to a computer, I've dabbled, made attempts at writing some music, mostly electronic, using various programs that were available at the time. I remember way, way back when, using MOD Editors to write the simplest of techno, using an editor, that, now that I think back on it, wasn't so bad, and not nearly as confusing as the stuff I look at today.

The stuff I look at today, mainly, is Garage Band, a program that's native to the Mac OSX, and is pretty powerful in terms of what it can do. But the shitter is, as I experiment around with it, there are hundreds, thousands maybe, of samples and loops available for use, and so many of them are either too complex or too unique to use in conjunction with basically anything else, at least as far as my limited creative instinct tells me. When I find a loop I like, it's not really a loop so much as a clip from a fully orchestrated song, which is completely useless to me because it makes me conform to the key, modality, instrumentals, and tempo of the clip in order to be able to use it. And what's worse, a lot of the tracks they have are like finished products that are 45 seconds long.

How on Earth is anyone supposed to use that stuff to actually write a song? And how would someone directly inputting anything to the computer via a real instrument use those things to do anything useful?

So I sit there staring at the screen, the part of me that wants more than anything to crap out the decade or so of music floating around in my head, and once again, I have no way to get it out. All I have are thousands of clips that sound really cool, but aren't what I'm thinking. No clip or package of pre-recorded clips could really ever be what's going on inside my head. So how do I get that? I'm lost for an answer now, because music writing programs aren't going to get simpler really. Some sort of direct input device, like a USB keyboard, would be useful, but what about drums? I don't mind using software to write a drum track, but I guess I haven't found that feature yet, or know if it even exists, to be able to just sit down and hammer it out.

Ugh, I dunno, I'm just frustrated. I've always wanted to write electronic music. But even when I do write something, it's always so simplistic, it never sounds like real techno, and I hate that feeling like I'm better off just humming it. I hate feeling like I'm a great listener, have a great imagination, but am incapable of writing anything of any real quality, or at least, that doesn't sound like something you wrote in your freshman year of high school for your music theory class.

So, for now, Garage Band gets my big ol' "3 gigs of frustration" seal of anxiety.

Big in Japan

2008-07-22T02:30:00.001-07:00

Or at least, in Matsudo.

Went to the Shin Matsudo festival on Sunday with Saki, and was surprised by the number of my students I ran into. I guess I shouldn't have been, but it was cool nonetheless. Every couple of minutes some group of kids would come up to me and poke me, say hi, giggle, ask me for money, etc. I was kinda surprised by the number of kids that were all "money please!" but what really got me was when more than one of them actually dove into my pocket in search of coinage, a few attempts of which were successful. The usually gave it back, however, when I didn't put up too much of a fight. Haha guilt factor.

The biggest shock for them was that I was with my girlfriend, and that I didn't make any attempt to hide that from them. A couple outgoing JHS gals remarked with visible, uh, what's the word in English, damnit I'm forgetting my native tongue, zannen, that so-and-so would be shocked to hear the news. I have little doubt that every kid in any school anywhere knows that I'm taken now.

I ran into Koizumi sensei as well, and she lured me and Saki into playing the little waterballoon fishing game they had going on. I managed to snag 4 of them before my hook broke, much to her and Saki's shock and amazement. Especially since Saki only got two. Mwahaha. I gots da madd skills. I'm all up in your festivals, winnin your prizes.

Every day since school's been out I've ran into students out and about, which is just weird. I guess most of the time they'd be at school so I wouldn't see them, and now that they're on summer vacation, we're all out at the same time, so it makes sense.

I went out on Friday with a bunch of the people from the kokusai kenshu-kan from Senshu University where I did my study abroad in 2003. It was really cool to see thm again, especially since my Japanese has gotten much better, and I can basically talk about whatever I want now, and understand whatever they're saying too. The reason for the little reunion is that Tomomi is back in Japan for a little bit, an impromptu visit, so we call got together to say hi. We went to karaoke, and then went to a chanko-nabe restaurant until late. For those of you who don't know, nabe is a kind of stew, the chanko variation of which is basically just a more massive version that sumo-wrestlers eat to pack on pounds. Good for groups. Couldn't imagine trying to eat that between two people. Saw some familiar faces tho, always good. Saw the gal, Midori, I almost, but never, dated. For a moment I was tempted to wonder what things would have been like, but it never went any further than that. That's a first, so, good signs abound.

Saturday, what did I do Saturday...hell I know I did something. Went out....or something....oooh wait, lol the Kenshu-kan thing was Saturday, what did I do Friday....oooh ya, went to D's with Nathan for a chat and some Mexican food. That's right.

Sunday after festival I stayed up late with Saki playing drinking games and talking in my room. Odd, that for how many times she's stayed over here, that was the first time we had ever done that. Anyway, was good fun, until we played the evil dice game of retarded drunkeness, and I wound up much like the title suggests one would. So, Saki got to see me drunk, and then it was her turn, and we opted to just talk instead of dig ourselves sick, lol.

Monday we basically slept in, and spent the afternoon playing Parappa the Rappa until she had to go home. I know, I know.

All this week I'm coaching for the speech contest, wooo. It's just like all those wonderful, wonderful lessons I had at Nova teaching JHS students for their Eiken exams. They never went well either. Except this time around I get the benefit of being able to speak Japanese, and the Japanese teacher is there with me. Kinda fun, come to think of it, since so much of what I do is a joke anyway, I can actually teach a bit now. I hope I have a chance to leave a good impression on the teachers.

It's hot these days. I'm sportin a nice little sunburn I managed to pick up in 45 minutes of walking along the river with my shirt off. I've offically busted out the Cool Salon, which means summer has offically started. The official start, in case you don't know, is when it's hot enough for even me to be uncomfortable. Dave, however, managed to get like 2nd degree burns on his legs from going to the beach on Saturday. That boy is a lobster. His calves and ankles are swollen from the burns. Gotta be careful out there, folks.

In other news, my computer kick an exorbitent amount of ass, my girlfriend is kinda hot, I got a haircut, I weigh 74kg (I'll let you do the math), which, to my chegrin, is up 1.5kg from December, but then again I was impoverished at that time, and I got Diablo II to work. We took down the first 4 bosses of BT in the first 3 days ever being there, and I topped DPS on Supremus, which is just monumental. My trip to America is 2 weeks off, and I still have no idea what all to do when I'm back. I'll be 26 sometime in the near-ish future. Yuck. But, everywhere I go, as long as it's in Matsudo, people know me. I'm big in Matsudo.

Stupid Blizz

2008-07-01T06:48:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day back at Kogane Kita JHS, and it was nice to be back. Given, I thought that when I returned to Icchuu as well, but it was actually nice to see everyone again. Also, it's nice to get back to finishing up at 2 instead of 4:30 every day.

The summer speech contest is coming up, and so the day to day load I have at work is steadily increasing as I morph from regular old teacher guy to full fledged speech contest judge, advocate, advisor and coach. I've gotten a pretty resounding "you have absolutely no choice but to immerse yourself in this 100%" from my company, probably as it's the closest thing to work a JHS teacher ever gets, but that doesn't mean I'm stuper stoked about it. I mean, ya, this will be the most English I will have ever heard from any of my studets, bordering on the best English I've ever heard from them either, but, I can't stop this kind of odd resentment in the back of my mind at being forced into it without ever really volunteering. What gets me to comply is that the days I have to come in and coach are still technically contract days, so even though I feel like I ought to be on vacation since there are no more classes, I suppose it's only fair I have to work. Both the coaching and the contest itself are days that are included in my contract. Oh well.

Since there are only three weeks of classes in July, all my elementary school visits are crammed into the span of a week, starting tomorrow. That means I have to kinda think fast, a la my ES sub days, and come up with something viable for each school every night before I go to bed, much like tonight. I have a 15 minute segment during tomorrow's lessons where I have to teach something of my own, which realistically is a piece of cake since it's not the whole lesson, just 15 minutes, so it's really not so bad.

It's Tuesday night tonight, server maintenance, so in my boredom I started looking around for a solution, and decided to see if I could get a copy of Diablo II to play since I really do miss a good single player game and don't really have a console to mess around on. But, after several failed attempts to purchase the game online from the Blizzard store, where it's available for direct download, I gave up. I'm guessing it's something about me living in Japan, and attempting to make the purchase from here, as my credit card transactions wouldn't go through. Ugh. I hate when I'm forced to try to do something productive with my evenings. I'd rather just go to bed, except at the time it was like 7:30pm and that just won't do for a bedtime. I could go online and download the games via p2p, but it would take a long time and I just cbf to do it anymore. There was a time I would, probably still would, but I was kinda looking for instant gratification so meh, whatever.

Saki and I are going to America in just over a month now, and I'm excited about it. I'm really looking forward to showing her around. I'm also looking forward to providing her with a whole week off work, something she hasn't had since she started working at the hospital. I know the stress weighs on her, and I'm glad being with me has given her this chance to take some time off to relax.

Other than that, I'm typing this on my new desktop, which kicks ass. I'm happy, essentially have all my bases covered, and things are going well for the moment. Yada yada yada

A Theory of Knowledge

2008-06-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

Amanda, bless her heart, gave me shit today for not updating often enough. So, here I am. Thank server maintenance.

This month I'm back at Icchuu, the JHS in Matsudo, and it's more or less back to exactly what it was before. The teachers I usually hang out with, still hang out with me, and the teachers that never say a word to me, well, aren't makin any efforts to change that. Oh well.

The principal started talking to me the other day when we were hanging out about how he wants to start a critical thinking class at the school, kind of like the Theory of Knowledge class I took in my senior year of high school, taught by the inimitable Mr. Bruender. I was shocked, to say the least. First of all, most high schools in the US don't teach classes like that, except in the IB program, of which I was a part, so to hear this from the principal of a JHS was surprising. But more than that, it's a JHS in JAPAN. JAAAAAAAAAPAAAAAAAN!! Hello? Has anyone EVER heard of critical thinking in JAPAN of all places? No. So much so that I use caps excessively to express my overwhelming, jaw-dropping shock to hear it.

The guy calls me into his plush official looking, well upholstered office, and we sit there for a bit talking while he shows me this book he picked up, all in English, which was the text that accompanied a university level critical thinking class he had come across. I told him, through my debilitating awe, that it was one of the most rewarding classes I had ever taken, and if nothing else, imparting on his students the ability to recognize logical fallacies, and maybe, just maybe, the ability to not only come up with individual ideas, but to analyze the ideas of others and weigh evidence, would make Japan about 1000x better than it is now.

My biggest problem with the Japanese education system, and I know it's 100% intentional, is that students are completely incapable of answering open questions, i.e. ones that start with W's. I tested this today during my lessons. In all three third year classes I had today, we started off the lesson with the criss-cross quiz, where I just fire off random questions at the students. This is my check of students' familiarity with common questions in English, but more importantly, their ability to think for themselves. Here was my test:

I took my pen out of my breast pocket, and held it up for all to see. I waited a moment for it to sink in that I wanted them to focus their attention on it, and asked the following question:

"What isn't this?"

Before you continue, answer the question. Grab a pen, look at it, and ask yourself, what isn't it?

How long did it take you to answer that question? More importantly, do you understand the question well enough to answer it at all?

Not ONE of my students did. So, I repeat, "What ISN'T this?"

"It's a pen?" Yes, it IS a pen, but what ISN'T it? ".........it's a pen?" Yes, it's a pen, but.....

I realized of course that there might be an element of language here inhibiting their comprehension, and thusly their ability to answer. So the Japanese teacher jumps in, after herself taking until then to fully understand what the hell was going on, and says "これは何ではありませんか？”

Now, there are a couple of students who haven't had their souls drilled out just yet, who have been thinking quietly to themselves the whole time, the silent voice in their head building in intensity as the failed attempts of other students to satisfy my question gradually increase in number. Finally, when the pieces click into place, and the grinding of the gears in their minds is louder than the resounding "意味分かんない！” circulating around the room, one of them says, "It's not a book." And I smile. I say "Correct. It's NOT a book. Good job."

So I ask again, to another student, "What isn't this?"

You know what they said?

"It's not a book."

*sigh* I have so much work to do with these kids.

Going Home

2008-05-27T03:59:00.000-07:00

We've been getting the details hammered out on Saki and my trip to America, and it looks like we're nearing the final stages. I'm lookin to be home from the 5th or 6th of August, for about two weeks. We're going to fly out together, and she's going to go back by herself after 4 days. It really sucks that you have to cross the international date line, cause you basically lose a day to travel. So, she has to leave America on Saturday to arrive back on Sunday, which essentially kills both days. Shitty. But we're close to having it all worked out, and I'm really excited about that. Now I just have to think about what we're going to do when we're there.

There are a lot of people I wanna hang out with and see, so I have to figure what to do when Saki is with me and what to do after she's gone. I'm gonna have to take her to the tourist places, so she can see the, you know, fabled beauty of Oregon, la la la all that stuff, and then take her to see what my life is basically like out there too, so it's gonna be a busy time, I think, while she's there.

Sucks that she can't have more time to be in America, even one more day would make it worth it, but I don't know if she can take 6 days off. 5 it seems is pushing it a bit, so, I'll take what I can get.

I keep thinking of all the different things that are going to happen that will be funny. Last weekend we went to Hakone together, and most of the trip was in Japanese, as we were in a pretty traditional area and we tend to default to Japanese in situations like that, even in our private time. But America is going to be all English all the time, and not only that, but, it's gonna be weird for people having us walking around speaking in Japanese. At least in Japan, hearing English isn't the end of the world, but I don't think it's nearly as normal for people to hear Japanese of all things when they see two people walking down the street. So, that will be funny, I'm just worried about the times when her language barrier might cause problems.

Overall though, I'm excited to see America from her eyes. It really intrigues me to think about America from the point of view of an outsider. I know the twists and turns of life there, I know all the cultural things that make life easy, like the makeup of menus at restaurants, and the way things are generally organized, but she doesn't, and I'm curious what things will be confusing to her that are easy to me. That's when I'll get to see what parts of my life there are just autopilot.

Gosh, it's gonna be so weird having Saki there in America with me. My relationship with her is entirely based around Japanese life. The balance of power in our relationship if centered around the fact that at times I'm quite powerless here, she has a lot of chances to really excel and lead things. In America, however, that will be completely opposite, especially because my Japanese is much better than her English. That's not to say I don't have faith in her ability to get by, but, I wonder just how much she would be able to do there without my aid. I have faith though, I have to, she's a smart woman, she can handle her own. Honestly, I'm looking forward to her seeing me in my element, in a world that I know precisely how to navigate.

Anyway, other than that, work's fun, yada yada yada I'm happy.

Take A Deep Breath

2008-04-29T03:12:00.000-07:00

Eep! It's been way too long since I've put anything down here. See, I try to update this on Tuesday nights, when I have a free evening, but lately, I've been meeting up with Saki and going out on Tuesdays, so I've basically had no time.

Anyway, here's what's up.

Ummm works going well, and I had three weeks off at the end of March/beginning of April. Now, given those weeks weren't paid, which sucks, but, I got some good time to relax after busting my ass as a sub for the previous three months. At the beginning of the month, I started working here in the Matsudo area, at Matsudo #1 JHS. I wasn't expecting to be at junior high schools, as I'm kinda more experienced doing elementary, but, it seems to be going alright. The first two weeks I was there I literally did nothing, absolutely nothing, but sit at my desk and study kanji. There weren't any classes, but for some odd reason I was contractually obligated to be there. Now, in retrospect, I could have used that time to start some activities around school to encourage kids to use English and communicate with me, but, that never crossed my mind, honestly. Grr. Doing something like that was mentioned at the BOE meeting I went to yesterday, and it made me feel like a complete ass for only having walked around the halls talking to students instead of organizing something. Anyway.....

JHS is pretty easy, I just basically do what the teachers tell me to, and it's my job to do whatever that is as best I can. Very, very different from ES where I have to make everything up as I go and have fun with the kids. Here it's like I go in and work with the teachers in the classroom, but the fun is what I do in the halls and at lunch, talking to the students in the interim, which is more of a real environment for communication.

Next month I will be at Kogane Kita JHS, which just so happens to be a 10 minute walk from my apartment. I go jogging by it when I do so. So, that will be really easy, and I'm looking forward to it. Apparently every month I will alternate between these two JHS's and then have a smattering of ES's that I will visit once a month. Not a bad deal really, but, I would like to get into the ES's a little more. It's more tiring, but it's really fun. JHS is rewarding though as well, don't get me wrong. It's just different, and I haven't come to appreciate it yet as I'm sure I will.

I met the rest of the teachers in the Matsudo area yesterday at our monthly Board of Education meeting, and they seem like pretty decent people. I look forward, somewhat, to building relationships with them. As always though, there are those who, should I never have to see again, I would never miss. But that's been the case no matter what I do in this country. There are always those I wouldn't pick to do what I'm doing. But I'm picky like that.

In other news, Saki and I have been spending a lot of our free time looking at apartments together. At first, they were for the both of us, but Saki kinda had this realization after her mom demonstrated an increasing amount of crazy that it would kinda be shooting ourselves in the foot to ask them for permission to live together, as her mom would definitely say no.

See, she's kinda having the empty nest syndrome thing, and kinda going schizo with age, and completely flips out over things now, so we kinda have to work around her. She's strictly enforcing Saki's weekday curfew of midnight, which is just ridiculous as she's 23, and told her she couldn't stay at my place the other weekend because she had been doing so so many weekends in a row. 23, people. We got a call from her at 2am one night when Saki got an unexpected day off and stayed over after calling her dad to tell him, from her, and it was just nuts. Not to mention the fact that she's basically completely out of control of her emotion/anger. I've had some close calls before in my childhood, but Saki's mom like seriously gets violent. I should post the pics of her eye when her mom slapped her so hard it broke every capillary in her left eye. I was livid. Shaking, I was so angry.

It gets worse too, her mom BIT her once in a fight. She was getting ready to come see me, and her mom again flipped out cause she didn't want her to leave, and shoved her, and they wound up on the floor, and as she kicked her to get her away, her mom bit her leg through her jeans, and she had this massive bump on her shin from it, where she almost broke skin. What the hell is wrong with this woman? Way to have absolutely no control over yourself. Are you a dog? What are you? Who BITES? I mean, seriously.

The worst part is, I know her mom, I used to teach her when I was working for Nova. She and I got along really well. This woman is so scared of being alone that she's willing to assault someone. See how convoluted this is? It's scary that there are generations of people out there who were forced to bottle up and never deal with their emotions for so long that it boils over in this kind of animalistic rage, which completely contradicts the very desires that motivate their actions. All she wants is for Saki to be there with her and love her, to not leave her alone in the world, and all she accomplishes is pushing everyone in her life away, because she's completely lost control of her ability to make rational decisions.

Anyway, so we decided to look for apartments just for her, that are big enough for me to be over there all the time. We both agree the chances of her getting an apartment by herself are far, far greater, so we're doing that instead. Then, after a while, when it's obvious that we're not going to break up, we're going to move in together and that'll be that. Sucks that it has to be that way, but, such is life I guess. From here it's just a matter of quietly tending to Saki to help make sure that her anger over her mother's actions doesn't slowly and insidiously warp her into the exact same thing. Funny how that works, too. But I see her pain over it, and I see all too clearly just how easily that could silently corrupt her mind into something much less happy and easy going, and more bitter and seething. It tears me up inside to think of that.

Saki's been working a ton lately, and had a lot of weekend obligations recently, so it's been quite a while, almost a month, since she's stayed over here. I miss waking up next to her a lot. She does too, and we're really hoping to take a trip together sometime soon. We're both trying to get her settled into a new place as soon as possible, so we can resume our relationship, but more important is getting her away from her mother. It's do so that we're making the decisions we are now. Her getting out of that house is way more important than selfishly wanting to live with her, so that comes first. I have to admit I kinda like the waiting, as it breaks up what otherwise could have been a monotony. There's anticipation now, waiting, and I think in all things, the greatest rewards come from being denied at some point. Having said that though, I sure would like to be done waiting already. Getting kinda old now.

Other than that, life's good. Had a going away party for two friends, Seska and Jenn, last weekend, so it's goodbye to more and more people I've known for a long time. More people I outlasted, but, I could have seen that coming. I've got something worth sticking around for, they didn't. The weather's getting warmer, got some friends out here from the States, and ya, it's shaping up to be a good year.

In dork news, our guild has progressed a ton lately. We started off raiding at the end of February, doing Kara, a 10 man dungeon. The kills were epic, and it was crazy to think of clearing the place. But, after a week or so, we did. After another week or two, we were doing it with two groups, and pretty easily. Then, my group cleared the whole thing in one night. It used to take all week. Then 2 days. Then 1 night. Sweet. Then we started in on 25 man raids, and had some problems getting that many people online consistently. But we got it. On High King Maulgar, I got my first experience mage-tanking, and we downed him the first night. Gruul came a few days later. Two weeks later, we got both down in the same night, quickly, and moved on to Magtheridon. It took a few tries, but we downed him that same night. I was a cube-clicker, and the whole raid was depending on me in both instances, and I did it. I was so happy.

A week or so later, we did what we thought impossible. We walked in, cleared Gruul's, and Maggy, all in one night. So we turned our eyes toward Serpentshrine Cavern. SSC is srs bsns. We just smeared ourselves all over the place trying to kill The Lurker Below, but the next night we went back and BAM, down on the second try. HUH? The progression is just insane. We're downing bosses that most guilds never even see, and in one, or two nights of attempts.

So then last week, we really outdid ourselves. We walked in, did Gruul's, Maggy, and Lurker all in one night. 4 25-man bosses in one night. LOL. That's just ridiculous. So this week we tried Morogrim Tidewalker, which turned out to be a challenge. As in, it took us till the third night to down him. That was Sunday. After we downed him, we gave Fathom-Lord Karathress a shot, and just sucked it up. Hardcore. So yesterday we had an entire night dedicated to him. We just wiped and wiped and wiped, but the whole time my group was just laughing about it, we knew it was going to happen. We couldn't stop laughing every time the offtanks screwed up, or failed to pick up an add, or lost aggro, or died early. Finally, at almost 1am, we went to repair and give it one last, final attempt, when the new guy in the guild got completely lost in the game's biggest capital city looking for a place to repair, and we just lost it. There was so much tension in the air, so much frustration, and then this guy asks, "where do you repair in this place?" and it all just boiled over.

In the best way. I couldn't take it anymore at this point, after laughing with my group for so long, and slowly ceasing to after just too many damn wipes. I laughed so hard, and my mic was on so the whole raid hear it, and then BAM, everyone, everyone was laughing as hard as I've ever heard any group of people laugh over anything ever. We all needed it, and I'm glad it came. Poor kid though, musta been so embarrassed. But it broke the tension, it got us over the previous 3 hours of wiping on the same boss. And you know what happened on that last, final attempt? We downed him. We downed him in one of the most epic near-disasters of all time. I got a sweet trinket, and the guild got their first Tier-5 gear. We officially have a T5 guild now.

Our guild went from nothing to T5 in about 2 months. That's insane. I'm proud of it. You all might think that's insanely nerdy, but it's a club sport to me. You play tennis? I raid. You have a club? I have a club. We just get together and try to kill monsters in a video game, but we do it as a team, it takes coordination and leadership, and the end result is just as satisfying. And, I can do it in the comfort of my own bedroom. Heh. So, if you come across someone who does what I do, and you catch yourself thinking how video games are addictive and destroy people's lives, check yourself. Think about it. This guy is in a club. I'm in a club. It would be ok if they were out playing soccer 4 nights a week, this isn't any different. But, then again, maybe that's just me validating my behavior, eh?

That's all for now.

Next Time I'll Wear A Tie

2008-03-08T21:02:00.001-08:00

Well, I finally have a streak of good things to talk about, that's nice. Here we go:

A little while back I was on the phone with Saki late in the evening after she had been drinking with her family. I needed to ask her about an informational consultation with the Japan Labor Health and Welfare Organization. Anyway, we were talking when her dad walks in, snags the phone, and proceeds to speak to me in the funniest "I can't speak English" English of all time. Then, after asking me if Japanese is ok, invites me to have dinner with the family sometime. I of course say yes.

Jump forward to last weekend. So we finally set a date for Saturday, and so after she finishes work, Saki and I meet up to spend some time together, you know, preparing, before meeting the parents. Now, it's not really meeting since I've met them both before, Saki's mom Takae was a student at the Kashiwa branch of Nova where I used to work, and I actually knew her before Saki, and we seem to have an ok relationship, so that's cool. Also, I ran into her and her dad while walking around in Kashiwa with Saki while waiting for my new cell phone to be ready back in September, which was fun, as my Japanese ability completely left me and I was left standing there in summer clothes, unshaven with my piercing in, talking to my girlfriend's parents. Fun stuff. Anyway, the time finally rolls around to have dinner, and Saki gets a call from her dad saying her mom is a bit sick and won't be coming, so it'll just be me her and her dad. Her dad who basically doesn't speak English. Woot.

Anyway, we go to the restaurant, this really nice sashimi place in Kashiwa, and wait for her dad to arrive. He gets there, and of course at first we're all really quiet, cause none of us know quite what to say. But, we get through ordering the first round of drinks, and conversation at first is based around looking at the menu and seeing what is and isn't ok for me to eat. Her dad, Tomoaki, was a little surprised with how much Japanese food I'm able to stomach, as their family friend, Mike, who they go out with often, not only doesn't speak any Japanese despite being here for years, but basically can't eat any Japanese style foods. So, they're used to foreigners being picky eaters, and I think that was a factor in going to a Japanese style restaurant for dinner that night, perhaps.

So we're sitting there waiting for our food to come, making small talk, when Tomoaki asks us why we weren't drinking, as he finishes his beer with the two of us with half of ours left. Saki says it's because she's nervous, to which he asks, "Why are YOU nervous?" prompting a bit of a laugh, and getting us to finish our beers. We then launched into the traditional 20 minute discussion over what bottle of shochu to order, and after deciding on wheat based shochu, which is quite popular at the moment(probably because rice based shochu tastes like shit and potato based shochu tastes like dirty potatoes), we start pouring the liquid courage and get to actually talking.

We played the "what's this?" game for a while when the sashimi Tomoaki ordered came out, and played translator while trying to describe the various textures and flavors of some of the side dishes. During this delightful little game, Tomoaki was trying to think of a word in English, and asks Saki what it is, but she doesn't know. He teases her a bit about being a foreigner's girlfriend and not being able to speak English, and I join in too, because really, her English has gone to shit since we started dating, much to my chagrin. He says, "HIS Japanese is WAY better than the first time we met, what's up with you not speaking English?" and I think at that point we finally found common ground. We both like to tease Saki, playfully. I think that's when I realized that he and I have pretty similar relationships with her, we want her to be happy, we enjoy having her around, and we both think it's cute when she's embarrassed, so we tease her not to point out her flaws, but because we want her to be better. After that, the night was a breeze.

Somehow, after mentioning my dream of the two of us ending up plastered at a karaoke bar with our ties around our foreheads, Tomoaki decided that we should finish up dinner and go get a room at the karaoke joint down the street. As Saki and I were walking to do that, while he picked up the bill, we were both kinda like "Wait, what?! We're ACTUALLY going to go do karaoke with your dad?" We had a great time there too, and he and I got to be pretty friendly.

Oh, I forgot to mention, Saki of course had to go to the bathroom at some point, leaving the two of us alone, and that's when I got the little, lean in and say the important stuff real fast talk from her dad. He basically just told me that he wanted to have dinner because I've been wtih her for a while, and he's just concerned whether of not I'm a good guy, and just wants her to be happy, whoever she's with. No big deal, I just wish I understood his Japanese a little better.

Anyway, at the karaoke bar, Tomoaki sends Saki out to make the reservation at the desk, then looks at me and says, "Man, there are a lot of hot girls here. Who do you think is the best?", to which I of course replied "Saki, duh." He made a lot of little comments throughout the evening that I thought were just adorable, just little things about his daughter, and how fathers worry about daughters, and the songs he sang at karaoke were these kinda melancholy songs about letting go, and it was so cute. He's such a father of an only child daughter he loves very much, and it made me really happy not only to be with her but to have him as her dad. I like him a lot, he's a good guy. I hope I live up to his standards.

So, after karaoke, we stumbled back to the station, me a little wobbly and they rosy-cheeked from the alcohol, and we parted ways when my train came. All in all a good night.

That's good news one. Good news two is I got a notice from the Nova Trustees saying my back pay will be deposited on the 12th. I misread the papers I got, and it turns out I'm only getting 489,000yen instead of about 600,000, but either way it's a lot and I'm way happy to get it. I'm gonna go buy a new digital camera, and a Nintendo Wii, so Saki and I have something to do when she comes over, or once we get our new place. The rest I'll save or send home I guess. I might need some to cover moving fees too, depending on how much they are and when we move.

The 12th also happens to be Saki's birthday, so today I went out to buy her a present. About a month ago we were shopping around and she took me to look at purses, talking about how she wants a new one, and pointing out styles she likes and whatnot. Being a guy, I never pick up on these things, but this time I figured, ok, this is what she wants for her birthday, she's being nice and showing me so I can do well, and from then on payed attention whenever she brought out her wallet to see if she already had a new one, which she didn't. So I got one along the lines of what she pointed out today, and I hope she likes it. Shopping for presents has never been something I'm good at, so we'll see how that goes. $150 though, for a purse/wallet thing. What are those called anyway? Not a purse, that's like a small bag, but it's not a wallet, wallets are mens' things. Ugh, the world of women.

The 14th, two days later, is White Day, the clever Japanese holiday aimed at milking the most money from couples. See, in Japan, they don't just have Valentine's Day, they have White Day too. Here's how it works. On V-Day, girls give prominent males in their lives handmade chocolates and cards, so there's money sink number 1. But then, on White Day, the guys who received gifts then have to return the favor via a present of some equal or greater value, but only to those women to gave them something. So, Saki made me this absolutely amazing chocolate tart for V-Day, and for White Day she's gonna come over and I'm going to cook dinner for her. She commented that since her birthday and White Day are so close together, people usually cram them into one thing, so I figured at least this time around I ought to do both, just to be nice. Besides, I've always enjoyed pampering, so, it's alright with me. I asked her what I should cook, and at her request I'm making tacos. Lol. She loves that stuff.

Saki's out skiing with her dad this weekend. He invited me to come with them, but it turned out there wasn't space or something, I can't remember the reason, so I wasn't able to go. But it was really nice of him to invite me to come, I would have loved to have gone.

My weekend, on the other hand, is 4 days this week, thanks to it being the end of the school year and me being a sub. A lot of schools don't really do English classes during the last weeks of school, so last week I only worked two days, and next week I only work three, followed by a two week unpaid Spring Break. The unpaid thing I'm not so excited about, but I only work 5 days the whole month, so I suppose it's only fair. My paycheck in April will such, so May will be tight, but I'll have my Nova money so hopefully I can use that to get by if I fall short a bit.

My friend Jenna from Oregon is moving out to Japan at the end of this month to teach English for Berlitz, so it'll be nice to have people I know out here now that all my friends I made here are slowly going home. Big Jenn's leaving at the end of this month, and Ty is going home sometime this summer. Most of the rest of the people I knew here have long since gone home, so it's getting kinda lonely. But Jenna'll be here soon, complete with my long list of "please bring me this shit" stuff, so woot woot for that.
Also, I just got an email from a friend of my friend Morgan out in Austin, who I met and stayed with when I went there with Tyler back in '05 before coming to Japan. Sarah's her name, and she's coming to Japan two days after Jenna to work for Interac, my company, out in Kyoto. She has training from the end of March, and it just so happens my buddy Greg will be there to do some of her training. Weird small world. So I'm going to meet her at the airport and help her get settled before she starts training and gets shipped out to Kyoto to do the same thing I do. She's covered in tattoos tho, so I wish her luck in the Kyoto summer heat covering them up for work.

It's starting to warm up here a little bit, thankfully, and the plum blossoms have come out, the signal that the cherry blossoms are only a few weeks away. Some people, myself included, find the plum blossoms almost more beautiful than the cherries, because they bloom earlier, and contrast the gloomy leafless plants around them very nicely. To me, the plum blossoms represent hope and promise, they're a long awaited herald of nicer weather and the rebirth of the countryside, whereas the cherry blossoms are that rebirth, and while that's beautiful in and of itself, I've always felt the hope, the anticipation, is a more enjoyable feeling than the end result. The cherry blossoms are hyped up, fragile and short lived, it's very anti climactic.

Come April, I've been informed I will officially be working in Matsudo schools, so I can say goodbye to the ridiculous commute every day and say hello to working locally, and seeing the same school or schools on a much more regular basis. This is both good and bad, as though waking up early and taking crowded trains isn't exactly my cup of tea, I do enjoy getting to see different places, and having days off throughout the week here and there. Once I'm at regular schools, I can most likely say goodbye to three day weeks. Hopefully the schools I'm at will have easier schedules, and I can maybe start late or finish early every day to get home quick and enjoy the evening. That would balance it out a bit, I figure. It would suck to go to the same school every day 8 to 5, I'm starting to think. We'll see how it works out, I guess.

Ok, that's my novel.

Presidential Predictions

2008-02-12T04:39:00.000-08:00

Here's my $0.02 regarding the upcoming presidential elections, and the wonderful sea of crap the American public and thusly the world will have to deal with.

The two Democratic primary candidates, Clinton and Obama, are neck and neck in a contest for the presidential primary. On the Republican side, McCain has a pretty strong lead. For the Dem. primaries, delegates are assigned according to the proportion of votes, as opposed to the Rep's, who are winner-take-all.

See where this is going? I do. There's going to be fierce competition within the Democratic party, in the primaries more so than the actual presidential election itself. As a result of this, the party will not only have blown off most of its steam choosing a candidate, but will be internally split in half, and I'm sure there are those who hope that will reduce the voting power of the Dem. party to only those who voted for the winning primary candidate. This will give the impression that the Democratic party is internally divided, can't come together or even agree what it wants, and make the public feel like they aren't solidly founded enough to lead the country in these trying times.

The Republican party, however, due to their winner-take-all election style, will appear outwardly to be vastly in favor of one candidate, and thusly appear to be very focused, determined, and have a clear position on things. Whereas the Democrats will look like they're all over the place, the Republicans will look like they are all standing together, ready to face the challenges ahead. That's going to be tough to compete with.

It's all beautifully orchestrated. I mean, the Democrats have such great momentum right now, they could actually accomplish something, and instead what's happening is exactly what Republicans hope will happen. The Democrats are beating themselves.

It makes me wonder how deliberate this all is. The Rep's have the same old same old, and the Dem's have two novelties. I think either candidate is going to have to deal with a lot of criticism for running on the novelty ticket, especially from communities that value regularity and substance over show. Hillary is Old Washington through and through, and though she talks of things I really like to hear, I know it's shit because she answers to the same people Bush does. Obama's younger and doesn't appear to be the same breed, but he isn't addressing the same things that give Hillary appeal despite her position.

So, again, the same old things are going to happen, and it's brilliant on the part of the Republicans to sit back and let them happen. They just keep doing what they're doing, and let the Democrats make asses of themselves, literally and figuratively. Gotta hand it to them, hate them though I do; they're clever bastards.

Anyway, I predict that the Rep's will play the solidarity card and the Dem's will have to struggle not against the Rep's but against themselves in order to have a real shot at the election, despite whatever momentum they might have. Best of luck to them. I support Obama, in case you're interested. Actually, I supported Edwards before he dropped out, but he represents what I feel far too much to be a viable candidate and I knew he'd lose out. Obama is the next closest.

Kids are Kids

2008-02-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

I had one of those days on Friday, for the first time at this job, where I was happy to be off work, and even more thankful that this is a three day weekend.

My kids had a lot of energy, and normally that doesn't phase me, normally I can just talk through or over it and it's not a big deal, but for some reason this time around it was starting to get to me. I just wanted them to listen a bit and focus a little, and I know that's asking a lot and I shouldn't really bother with it, but this time I did, and it got to me that they were goofing off as much as they were. They're just happy to see me, and want to be kids, and I understand that, but there is also that part of me that wants them to be able to understand the material, and because they've done it before, I know they're all capable of at least faking the language, so when they don't even try it gets me.

My last class of the day is the one that really got me. It was with the 5th graders, and the language was "_____ is in Japan." So, I had this map of Japan up, and all these traditional things that are famous in Japan and are only from Japan, like kimono and sushi and Tokyo Tower etc etc, and made sure to repeat the language enough times that those who were paying attention could figure out what the sentence meant. But there was this one girl, who just kept giving me the "what the fuck are you talking about?" look and every time she did it I lost it a little bit more, up until the point I was almost slapping the board saying "SUSHI is in JAPAN." At that point I kinda caught myself cause it was obvious she caught that I was reacting to her, and I had to step back, take a deep breath, and just relax. I hate that I got to that point but I'm glad I caught myself before it got worse. So I talked to the Japanese teacher, and had him explain, in Japanese, what we were talking about.

I still got that look from the same girl even after the Japanese explanation, so at that point I just gave up on the lesson and focused on having them fill out their worksheets and trying to coach them in small groups through saying some of the language in English, with prompts. The class of course flew by, cause it always does when you have an activity, and come the end of class I'm pretty sure only a handful of students understood the point of the class, but, whatever. I discovered their limits, and now I can adapt my future lessons to accommodate them a little better.

Anyway, after school I was just tired and wanted to go home. I've never felt so wrecked after a day. It wasn't even that bad really, I just think it was the lack of good sleep from my ridiculous JHS adventure catching up with me. See the day before I had to teach at a JHS where there was the, of course, grammar nazi who wrote this absurd LP for me that I had to decipher the night before at 10pm in order to prepare a couple worksheets to do in class. I was up until about 11pm making papers about auxiliary verbs and the passive voice, and the present continuous(progressive) tense and it was stupid, and the next day at school would have been a complete failure if I hadn't been lucky enough to have a really energetic and gaijin-loving second period class. They energized me enough to finish the day strong, but the sleep I lost the night before and the stress of that and getting lost on the trains the night before(a big Fuck You to the Marunouchi and Oedo Lines) came back to bite me in the ass the next day, unfortunately at the school I visit most.

Other than that, this three day weekend thing is nice. I will say, however, that being on such a weird sleep schedule has taken its toll, in that even on my days off I want to go to bed super early. This morning, I woke up at whatever time, got up, played some video games, and when I finished up and took a look at the clock, thinking it must be at least 2pm or so, it was only 9:30am. It happened again what felt like 5 hours later that turned out to be 11:30, and shortly after Saki called me and we made plans to meet up later this afternoon. We're going to a bookstore in Ochanomizu, so she can get a book for work. Sounds fun. I like bookstores though, maybe there will be something interesting there, you know, other than books her hospital is making her buy out of pocket so she can work harder and not get paid more. Gotta love Japan.

A Long One.

2008-01-31T03:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been at this gig for a couple of weeks now. Here are some of my thoughts:

Getting up at 5:45 is, in fact, possible. It's not entirely pleasant, but, I've hacked through it the times I've had to. Hasn't been all that often, but, when I sub at a school I've never been to, and have to be at the station around 7:40 to get to the school by 8 since I don't actually know the time when I can waltz in, it usually means I have to get up around then to make it out there, since invariably I have to go out to the middle of nowhere on three or four different trains. The place I'm going to tomorrow isn't that far from my normal school, but all the same that's when I'm up tomorrow. It's only 15 minutes earlier than I would otherwise wake up, and 6 isn't that fantastic either, but it's still 6 and not 5 something, so, it feels different. And it's still dark out at 5:45. By 6, there's visible light. Odd how quickly dawn spreads across the Earth. It's cold out, freezing actually, but some of the most pretty things I've seen so far have been in those early twilight hours walking to Minami Nagareyama station. There have been a couple times where there was snow on the ground at that time that I never would have otherwise seen. Maybe the tiniest remnants later that morning, but were I still working for Nova, I would never have seen it since it would have been noon by the time I saw the ground for the first time.

I've turned into Greg, in the sense that I finish work, come home, and all I wanna do is have a beer and go to bed. The alcohol part of it kinda bothers me, I'm so pooped by the time I walk in I really do just wanna have a few drinks to put me out and go to sleep. But, other than that I go to bed around 10 every night now, and that's had a weird effect on my view on life. I know that what's happening now is going to, hopefully not permanently change my outlook on life. Last night Saki and I met up to have dinner, and Bryan invited us to go to a movie that started at 9:15, and we had to turn it down because it would get out at 11:30 and that's way too late for either of us to be finishing up something and making our way home, having to get up when we do. I used to finish work at 9. Hell, before that I used to finish at 11:30. Now at 9 I'm getting ready to call it a night, and by 11:30 I'm fast asleep. I remember my first though upon getting his text was, "why does he have to start everything so late?" and it struck me that it's not late at all, I'm just on a completely different schedule now. Richard seems to be much better at it than I, we both get up around the same time, and work the same hours, but he stays up till midnight or later every night. I just, and Ty's with me on this, need 8 hours of sleep. Maybe that's just my age talking, or maybe it's that it's winter and it's not light out when I wake up, but if I went to bed any later, I would be completely wrecked when I walked out the door. By the time I arrived at my school, I would still be asleep and it would be written all over my face. Personally, I don't want to have to deal with constant "Are you tired?"s at work. I get it enough as it is from my head English teacher at Ouji ES, just cause when I'm not in the classroom I'm very, very toned down. I guess it's just hard for some people to recognize that it's entirely possible to go from calm and tranquil to nonstop energy, not only possible but necessary to pull either off. Anyway, I need 8 hours of sleep, so, by the time I have to wake up, my body is sick of being in bed and I have to get up. As is, I have never once, not on one night since starting, slept the whole night till my alarm. Part of that is the winter factor, where either it's so cold in my room I wake up or because the heater is too close to me and I wake up to push the heater away a bit, only to wake up again as soon as I get cold enough for the previous to apply. I thought the head pad I purchased and started using recently would have remedied that, but it's really only ensured I wake up at least once or twice to adjust the temperature of all my various heating devices in order to get back to sleep. Not only that, but I wake up to my roommates coming home all the time, especially on Sunday night, when Dave has the day off the next day, like I used to. It also doesn't help that Dave basically never sleeps. I wake up to him talking over in-game voice chat all the time at 1 or 2 or 4 in the morning, but what really gets me is when I get woken up by something in the middle of the night only to look at my phone and have it be 11:56pm. It's depressing and almost funny that I'm asleep at that hour to be woken up by something. But I don't complain. As soon as my schedule becomes more regular, and the sun starts coming up sooner, my schedule will adjust itself and I'll be able to go to sleep much later and wake up at the same time. Dave gets about 4 hours or sleep a night, much like the rest of Japan, and while I'll probably never reach that I'm sure I'll start going to bed at midnight come spring.

The part of it that kinda bothers me is that now on my weekends, instead of waking up at 8, like I had already started to about a year ago, I now wake up at 6 or 7, such that even on my days off I'm tired by 10pm, and it's hard to stay out. I don't ever want to go to bed at 10pm on a Friday or Saturday. But, assuming I'm not with Saki or out with my friends, there's a good chance that would happen just because my internal clock has been set to that time, and re-adjusting it every weekend would just make Monday morning all the worse. Ugh.

Teaching in schools is different, but not so different that I don't already feel like I've been doing it for ages. In a sense, I have. Every Nova Kids lesson I ever taught got me ready for this, because of everything from experience with Japanese kids to teaching lessons with a complete and utter lack of preparation to teaching the same lesson three or four times a week, to getting everything ready a week in advance so I can just waltz in and do whatever feels good. All the dynamics that make a good of bad lesson are exactly the same, except here I can just use Japanese if I have to, and I have a teacher in there to throw in some discipline if things get out of hand. It's basically, it's everything I wanted out of Nova Kids. The only bad part is that, uh, huh, well whatever I was going to say just left me so I guess there's not really a bad part. Another thing I like is that I get to see the kids in their safe zone. At Nova, they were in a small intimate group, and that was good, I really enjoyed that because my influence was very personal, but at school they're at their second home. School is your life as a kid, everything of any real importance happens there, and the people and routines you see and have there are basically your reality, and that's huge. As a public school teacher, I'm a part of that reality, and more than that I'm a part of what is safe and normal and real to them. At Nova kids could always say, "this isn't school so I can just fuck off and not care" but in schools, while it's still present, it's there to a much lesser extent. I've really enjoyed seeing what life is like for Japanese kids. It's also really interesting to see what goes on behind the scenes, how schools are actually run. I got called Sensei at Nova by my students, but, even though I'm something of a novelty still with this job, I really am Sensei.

I was having my regular inane and thusly mandatory Japanese style teacher's meeting this afternoon after school got out, and I was talking to the 6th grade teachers, whose classes last time I taught a lesson about family members' abilities e.g. "My mother can play the piano". The first class, with a teacher who doesn't speak English really at all, ended with a game I wasn't really able to explain very well, such that when they were doing their game, their partners were saying yes and no to statements, rather than questions, and didn't realize that was the case. So, after class, I took the teacher aside, and told her in Japanese that unfortunately my last game was poorly explained, and that many of the students perhaps didn't understand what they were supposed to do, and that I was sorry for that. The next class I skipped a game I had done earlier and worked with my teacher to make sure that the students understood the instructions via English and Japanese, and the game went just fine. Anyway, she told this story to the other teacher, and how surprised (good) she was that I went out of my way to apologize to her for this. She also told me, through the other teacher translating, that the students all like me very much, and that I'm very popular with all the kids in school. I could have guessed this by the way I get chased around the school constantly and and am bombarded nonstop from sunrise to sundown in the halls with hellos and "Deibito-sensei!"s, but hearing it from the teachers made my day. Especially to hear it from a teacher I didn't really think liked me all that much. Koala-sensei(Furukawara-sensei) told me after my last lesson with him that my lesson was Ichiban (the best), and I was just tickled pink. I'm so happy to hear that they like what I'm doing, even if I still think I'm hacking through it most of the time. Today, I didn't really think my lessons went all that well, but it's fast easy learning what does and doesn't work. Sometimes I don't like dumbing down lessons, but all parties involved enjoy it a lot more when everyone can accomplish an entire lesson's worth of material, even if that involves only teaching 1/3rd of the material originally planned. Compared to the other meetings I've had so far, today's were about 1/4th the time, because my lesson plans for next week are much, much more simple. Intro, song, review, vocab and a game. Boom. Done. If, somehow, for some strange reason, I have extra time, we can just play games. I constantly draw big lines through lesson materials as I'm realizing some things are just way too much for kids. I wanna give them a one liner they can bust out in a game, and really hammer down before they leave. Anything other than that is just gonna get lost, and nothing at all will stick.

I went to Iidabashi on Wednesday, a white day, to pick up my passport, after receiving an email from Interac telling me my visa stuff was finished. I was happy to see I'd received another 3 year visa, after worrying it would be downgraded to a 1 year. I also got a bunch of info about Junior High School from Jason, and talked to him about my transfer. He finished my sentence for me saying it was already taken care of, and mentioned Matsudo when I was listing the cities I was interested in working in. So, either I'm working in Matsudo from April, or I'm gonna be in this area at least. I'm happy to hear that. I really hope it's somewhere the commute isn't so bad. What I really hope is that it's somewhere I can move close to. I'm kinda looking forward to moving closer to a school, I just want it to be somewhere near a hub, so I can still go out and see my friends. I think ideally I would be able to get there easily from Shin Matsudo, so I could get an apartment there with Saki. Somewhere on the Noda line would be ok too. Whatever the case is though, I can now start a countdown to moving. I could be living with Saki 4 or 5 months from now. How weird is that?

She and I went out last night after she got off work, and we were bitching to each other about how, thanks to work schedules, we haven't had sex in like three weeks. It's driving the both of us nuts. She asked last night before we got on our trains why were weren't living together dangit. I just want more intimate time with her dangit. She's coming over on Saturday night, but, it's a bad time of the month so that's a no-go. It doesn't really bother me, sex isn't really that important to me anymore so much as just getting to be close and in private with her, but, still. It would be nice.

Anyway, in terms of reflections on my first couple weeks, it's been fine. Xiao's been bitching a lot about this and that, but I really can't complain. She's still getting used to classes not going how she wants, I've long since let go of trying to control kids. She's still being bothered by teachers that need control, I've long since let them have it. It's just stuff you learn how to do. You can throw yourself against these walls all you want, they're not coming down for anything. They're the fabric of reality. I learned a long time ago, if you have a problem with something, and you want it to go away, YOU have to change. It's YOUR problem. I guess that's a hard one to learn.

Cutting Bait

2008-01-15T07:32:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I was lucky, if not smart, to get out of the GComm/Nova business when I did. I got the news on my way to meet Saki to watch I Am Legend tonight that Bryan has been sent home and put on standby until further notice. GComm, much like Nova before it, is bleeding money something awful and as such they fired all the old Nova management and started to use their old Japanese model, i.e. fire the hell out of everyone, 1 teacher per 40 students.

So, Bryan and a bunch of the others, based on seniority, ability, and training, were told not to come into work anymore, and that they would receive standby pay until their branch numbers rise to an amount that can support their coming to work.

What was GComm thinking? Did they really think people would come back to Nova after they opened it back up? Only the hardcore, only the social rejects, only the people who had put every penny they had into that company would think of coming back, if for nothing other than to reclaim a bit of the money they sank into the falling giant.

So now, here they are, trying to suture their internal bleeding, at the expense of basically no one but the teachers. Which reminds me...

What were the teachers thinking? Why would you stay with a company that did all this to you? I mean, I understand, cause I stayed with it far longer than I should have, I should have gotten out faster and I didn't, but, in the end I did, and they all should have too. First, we were all given a nice long vacation with which to look for new work. But they didn't. Then, we were given a chance to take a month off and get paid for it. Many took the money, but didn't use it to go home, or find a new job. Many, myself included, started work instead, but unlike myself, didn't continue to look for new work. Now, most of those people are getting another chance to stay at home for another month before GComm undoubtedly fires them, they'll have to, they can't just pay them month after month to sit at home, to find a new job or get the hell out of the country.

But will they? No. Dumbasses will sit there and keep coming back, they'll sit at home and blow their paychecks on wine and beer and Roppongi, why? Because it's all they have to keep themselves from feeling like their lives have completely gone to shit. Well guess what? They HAVE. Get over it and find something new. The company is dead, and no matter how shit you think the situation is, such that you would be willing to put up with whatever they dish out in order to make ends meet, if you just got another job you could avoid all that.

Not qualified to find another/better job? GO HOME. Don't have the money to move somewhere else for a new job? GO HOME. Not willing to make sacrifices to make ends meet until you find a job, i.e. stop partying all the time, cook your own food and stay home? GO HOME. You stupid, stupid moronic fools get a new job or get the hell out of the country. What are you doing here? What kind of sick pathetic illusion of life are you living in such that you'd put yourself through all this? How miserable and depressed you all must be to think that this is the best you can do? And if this really is the best you can do, shit, you can do it back home too. Better yet, you could go back to school and have a shot at something good, assuming you can try hard and long enough to pull it off.

I know for a lot of people this is a dream come true. It's way better than anything they could have gotten at home with the same skills. Live in Japan, meet beautiful Japanese women, feel important and amazing and unique and rare and get away with anything you want just because you're gaijin? Ya, it's fantastic, a dream many would never want to walk away from. The allure certainly drew me in, and I'm certainly stuck here for as long as I can imagine, but I've got my feet on the ground enough to know that there's a daily life behind that dream, working and moving up and bettering yourself that must happen to make anything like this possible, at least in the face of adversity. Something has come along that has threatened to destroy the easy, celebrity life you had planned out for yourself, and I know you don't want to give it up, but for fuck's sake, it's GONE. It's long gone and all you're doing now is revealing how pathetic and washed out you really are. If Nova were cocaine, you'd all be Sanjit, scraping and licking plates at the end of the night and knocking on friends' doors just to make sure there's not more hangin around somewhere, all the while oblivious to the fact that the sober, er, high but not desperate people around you are fully aware of just how low you've sunk. Sanjit had a family too, a pregnant wife, like so many foreigners here have, but sink sink sink he would and sinking sinking sinking you are.

Saki commented tonight while we were sitting in her car parked out in front of my apartment after the movie that all this time she thought eventually I would ask her for money, and thought I was very dedicated and hardworking that I didn't. While this came as no surprise to me, I knew she would be thinking that from day one, it was still weird for me to actually have that conversation with her. I told her she is the last person on Earth I would come to for money, my troubles are my own to fix, and if I absolutely had to, like I did, I would go to a friend first, then family, but never her. Debt destroys relationships, it's her job to support me emotionally, not financially. She gave me something far more valuable than money, she gave me my sanity. She gave me the resolve and the motivation to get through all this, to be with her, and preserve something worth keeping. To ask someone to do both, when we're not married, and even if we were, would tear out the foundation of our relationship, at least in my eyes.

I mean, Saki's by no means poor, she's actually quite rich, she makes more than I do, but then again she also works a lot more than I do. But all that aside, she's done well for herself, and she could, I'm sure, help me out if I needed it. But I would never dream of asking her for money. It's just morally deplorable in my eyes to do something like that. It just makes me all the happier I never had to. I hope should never need to. I'm sure it sent a message to her too, about who I am, and how hard I'm willing to work for something, because I learned a lot from it too. Sure I slacked a little, but when it came down to it I got my name out there by whatever means I had to, and I found something. I'm fine now. Given I could be working with Jennifer for a lot more money had she only offered the job sooner, but it's something, it's fun, and I enjoy it. The work is important and it's rewarding to me.

I've faced crazier adversity than this before, and walked away. I'm proud of Saki that she has the job she has, I'm proud that she makes more than me and works much harder than me. I'm also proud of myself for getting this job, and for showing her I'm someone worth being proud of being with. Life will go on, I will continue to move up, and hopefully, lol, someday I'll be the breadwinner enough that her income is just play money. I look forward to that.

But you guys at Nova. Man, get the picture. They say, fish or cut bait, ya? Well, not only are there no fish, but you're running out of water. Cut bait.

Dual Realities

2008-01-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

Working as an ALT so far has been a blast. It's been hectic, they've changed schedules around on me, I've had to wake up around 6 every day I've had to work, and at times I've come within an inch of complete and utter panic mode, but overall, once I'm actually in the classroom, we have fun, the kids enjoy my lessons, and the other teachers are apparently satisfied.

But it hasn't been like that for all involved, and that concerns me a little. My friend Xiao also started working with Interac at the same time as me, and her experience has been a little different. She worked at a Jr. High the other day, and had to prepare a worksheet for class wtih very little information to go on, and the Japanese teacher wasn't impressed. Less than impressed, actually, even more so by her lack of knowledge as to what a 'gerund' is, which I'm guessing 95% of the general English speaking population doesn't know either (a noun ending in -ing, e.g. skiing, or making lunch). But this bothered the teacher enough to complain about her to Interac, and so now she's involved in trying to cover her ass to our boss, Jason, who is calling into question her knowledge of grammar, which I think is crap.

What I see in this is clearly a case of a Japanese teacher with a bone to pick with the idea of native English speakers waltzing into Japanese schools and teaching their students with what they perceive as basically no formal training whatsoever, and was on a mission to prove just that. See, things like gerunds or type II conditionals are things that every speaker of English knows, but, much like psychology, don't know the name for. Non-native speakers of English however, learn the titles for all these things because 1) if you've got a name for it it's easy to refer to when learning/explaining and 2) they don't know it's the kind of thing that native speakers never, ever say and probably don't know. Not the actual grammatical concept, mind you, but the word for it.

So now she's got an angry school and an angry boss, a boss who, to me, has been supportive and easy to talk to for the most part, however mildly dismissive when it comes to my overblown concerns. Which is probably good cause it teaches me what they think is important and how better to work for the company. But all the same, it's just weird, to think that all this time I'm out there in schools worrying, but still enjoying myself, and now there's another person, who I at least think is just as qualified to be here as my, who is experiencing what will probably be a lot of negativity until things have either blown over or other people put her in a more positive light.

Now, things to take into consideration here are that she was teaching at a Jr. High School, which I haven't done, and consider to be really really hard, since teachers are going over hard grammar points, things which are considered to be the most important parts of English as far as Japanese schools are concerned. Which, I'll admit, are important, but the ALT's job is to provide an opportunity for native English communication in a safe supportive environment, the Japanese teacher's job is to go over hard grammar. But, I digress. It was also her first day at that school, we really only receive training for elementary school classes, and she hasn't been in Japan that long(something like 4 months).

I'm just as worried about going to Jr. High schools. I have no idea how to do that stuff. Thankfully, I don't have to until February, assuming my schedule stays the same. But even then I don't know that I'll be ready to go in there, especially because then the school and the company will consider me to be an experienced teacher, and they'll probably pull the same kind of crap when I get there that they did with her.

But this brings up my long standing gripe about the role of native English teachers in schools. We're sold to the schools, and the understanding is or should be, that we're not there to go over the hard grammar points of English, though a knowledge of such things greater than the average guy on the street is good and I think should be required to some extent. We're there, as far as I can see, to encourage a healthy relationship with students, such that they see English as something that is not intimidating or impossible, and, much, much, much more importantly, to dispel the long standing xenophobia inherent to Japanese culture. The more we're in there, and the better students get to know us filthy criminal gaijin, the more we can start to drop those adjectives and change that racial slur to something much more neutral, like gaikokujin. Gaijin are the entire rest of the universe, and Japan is innately biased against them. If all I do in all my time as a teacher is instill the idea that foreigners are real, living breathing, and as potentially worthwhile valid individuals and members of society as Japanese themselves, then I will have accomplished far more than anyone could have ever hoped towards improving Japanese society.

I could care less if they still don't get the idea of the definite and indefinite article. Learning another language makes you less racist. TADAAA the world's a better place.

So, I hope that when it comes time for me to step up into a Jr. High School I can do something meaningful when I'm there. But, more so, I hope that Xiao manages to find a way to improve her image and step up the quality of her teaching, because I want her to enjoy her time here. So far it's been nothing but misery, and that makes me so sad, so see someone in the same country, doing the same job as me, have such a completely opposite view of their time here. I went through all this too, and I survived, but she's been here for far less time than I, so, all she has are bad times, none of the good stuff I've been through to make it all worth it.

I hate seeing people give up on Japan. Sometimes I want to, but, I realize that it's no different from any other place. The names of the problems change, but they're all still there. Don't like how racist Japan is? Never would live there because of the open discrimination? Lol. Look at your own life. You're just bitching cause here, you're on the receiving end. Or, if you're already discriminated against at home, I don't see why you wouldn't feel better off here, since it's not just your demographic they don't like, it's everyone. At least here you're not singled out.

Anyway, the lesson here is that there are people in the world who are out on a mission to prove that who you are and what you do are worthless. Part of making it in life is learning not only that there are such people, but how to work around them. Not necessarily to change their minds, because without them, we would have no motivation to be good enough to get past them. Even if it means being such a good people person that they look past your not knowing what a superlative is, you're still better off knowing how to get around them. Adaptation is the name of the game. Even in Japan, the land of repetition for the sake of repetition and repetitive identical failures because change admits a bigger failure.

Happy New Year 2008!

2008-01-06T05:01:00.000-08:00

Well, first off, Happy New Year to all, I hope that this year brings not only myself but all of you all that you have hoped for and more. More importantly, what you need, but don't realize.

This year has gotten off to a pretty good start. My Christmas and New Years celebrations were pretty crazy, involving more than one strange Japanese girl, an American living in Kazakhstan, an unnatural quantity of alcohol, and Megatron.

What I didn't mention about Greg's party but should have was that I got a Megatron Transformer for Christmas on top of a stack of much needed cash. It's sick, I love the thing. Also, Jeannine, a gal from America living and working as a teacher in Kazakhstan was there visiting Greg, which turned out to be quite the irritant for his Japanese girlfriend Miki, who would occasionally flip out and get all emotional because it completely violates traditional Japanese relationship norms to have a girl stay with you, regardless of the nature of your relationship, which, if you knew them, you'd know what completely platonic.

For New Years, Bryan Andy Ty Dave and I started off at Saizeriya for a couple magnums of red wine before heading out to Kashiwa to meet up with Greg and Miki, and as it turns out Maya and Asami, Miki's make-out friendly friends, and Moses and Ben, two very nice guys from Nigeria. Oh, and Nathan too, who I worked with in Kanamachi for a time, who shares a love of a particular massively multiplayer online role playing game with me. The night basically turned out to be Asami making out with anyone she could, and Maya throwing herself all over me and me having to dodge her attempts to make out with/fondle/etc me. Saki was out with her friends that night, though I wish she were there with me, because she could have helped fend off Maya. Then again, I would have had to deal with Saki dealing with Maya throwing herself all over me, which would have been equally unenjoyable.

We would up at karaoke, but not before Bryan drank himself sick and had to be taken home by Fumi, who showed up just in the nick of time to do so. Karaoke was fun, but expensive, as we missed our train to go to Shin Matsudo to do it there and had to go to Shidax, the world's most expensive anything. That was fun too. Highlights include losing the ball of my eyebrow piercing to Miki trying to put it back on for me, having to change seats multiple times to avoid Maya actively trying to grab my balls any time I wasn't actively removing her hands from them, Jeannine being tired and grumpy, Miki crying, Asami making out some more, and a lot of singing. Went to bed around 7.

Then on Thursday, Bryan and I went to the Hub again to meet Greg and Jeannine for her last night in Japan, where Greg started talking to some random middle-aged Japanese woman sitting next to us, who joined us upon Greg's request, and stayed well after his departure. Amanda Nikki and Sachiyo showed up out of nowhere and they joined us too, and the 6 of us not including Greg and Jeannine but including strange Japanese woman Reiko, made our way to Shin Matsudo via last train to go sing some karaoke. We're pretty sure Reiko is a hostess or a snack bar girl, from the way she acted, and she certainly knew her stuff when it came to that karaoke bar. Our drinks were slow and she was all over them, we got our stuff in record time, and it turned out to be surprisingly cheap, much more so than our New Years excursion, which, for the record, was not the most expensive of all time, but still way up there. Got back home and went to bed around 3.

Yesterday I met up with Saki at Moraju of all places, to help her pick out some glasses. It's fun doing little mundane things with her, it's kind of a hint at what's to come in the future, and it reassures me to know that we do those things well and enjoy them.

Being in Moraju was weird though, and we walked by Nova to find it wasn't there anymore. A wall had been erected where the entrance once was, and when we peeked in from outside through the edges of the pull-down curtains, we discovered that everything, I mean everything had been demolished and removed. The whole place was just empty drywall and spackle. Very odd. Very odd indeed to look at the place where you spent two years of your life working and see absolutely nothing to remind you that it was ever there. Not the first time in history that's ever happened, but still an odd experience nonetheless. Odd for Saki too, as the place where we met, and the whole reason we know each other in the first place no longer exists, not only in the fact that particular Nova isn't there anymore, but that I'm no longer a Nova teacher and she's no longer a student. Kinda makes me glad we met when we did. But, I'm always glad for that, regardless of Nova's plight.

After that we drove back to Kita Kashiwa to drop off her car, and I gave her the choice of going somewhere local, or going to my secret place, which I had picked out but wouldn't tell her, only that it was kinda far. After the great equalizer, rock paper scissors, we decided to go to my secret place. Let me just say this now that the Japanese have RPS down to a science, so much so that they can win or lose games at their leisure. I know for a fact, despite not know how, that she threw that game. I wish I understood it, but I think I'd have to have grown up here to have that kind of skill. It's like jinx I guess, when two people say something at the same time. Or calling shotgun.

So we got on the train and headed into Tokyo to my secret place, which turned out to be the Shinagawa Prince Hotel, where yes, I know, I took Melissa back in the day, but it's such a nice place, and well worth going to again, especially for a nice classy evening with a little fun added in. We went to the aquarium and saw the dolphin show, and the sea lion show, both of which I missed last time, and the Amusing Sunfish was sleeping, which was oddly amusing in and of itself, despite being completely uninteresting. Sleeping fish. Weird. Doesn't help that the dang thing is like the size of a car, and bobbing around upside down in a tank. Also doesn't help that Sunfish are just the weirdest looking things ever.

Anyway, after that we hopped on the roller coaster they have there, and then made our way to the 39th floor for some cocktails and a nice view of Tokyo. We had a great conversation up there, telling stories and going back and forth sharing tidbits of our lives we had previously left out. We discovered, not surprisingly as we get along so well, but surprisingly enough, that we both have what seem to be very interesting pasts, which had given us a great deal of experience in life, yet somehow haven't really jaded us much. I was surprised by how well balanced Saki is, I've always been able to see it, but, the more I get to know her, the more I realize just how little I have to worry about her.

We made our way back, and went to bed back at my place, and lounged around the house all day today before I took her to the station so I could dick around a little bit and relax before having to get up early tomorrow morning to go to a meeting for work in Iidabashi at Interac HQ. We were both pretty frisky today and yesterday, but fortunately, her period started yesterday so nothing really was possible. Yes, I said fortunately and if you read the previous entry you'll know why.

K that's all for now, as if that's not enough. Happy New Year all!

Beginnings and Ends

2007-12-30T06:05:00.000-08:00

Wow, things are changing pretty fast.

I finished a lot of things, and a lot of things have begun.

For example, I finished my training with Interac on Friday of last week, and discovered that I will be working mainly in Higashi Jyujyo, which is in Kita-ku, which is kinda near Ikebukuro. Additionally I will be subbing at schools in the Shinagawa school district, so those days I'll be getting up earlier. But, oddly enough, for these first three months, almost if not more than half of my days scheduled I don't have a school, which means I'm on a kind of standby, where I'd have to go in to Iidabashi by 7am (YUCK) in case someone calls in sick, in which case I'd head out to their school for the day. There's extra pay involved in that, regardless of whether I end up going to a school that day or not. Greg seems to think it's because they don't want me getting too attached to a school for April, when he thinks they're going to move me somewhere else, like where he is. Which would be fantastic. We'll see how it goes. I'm very excited for it, and I think it'll be a good step for me.

Thursday of this week was my last day at Nova. I'm officially no longer a Nova, or GComm, or whatever Eikaiwa instructor. My days of booths and level checks and Voice lessons are finally over. My last day was pretty anticlimactic, to be honest, there was nothing really special about it, except at the end of the day, I bowed, said "Otsukaresama deshita" and went home as usual. It's weird thinking that 95% of my friends here are no longer my coworkers, and just friends, and I hope I'll stay in contact with them all. I know from experience how quickly people fall out of social circles once they change jobs, and while I'm not really afraid of it, it would kinda suck not to see the people who have shaped my experience here so much anymore. Then again, it will certainly be nice not to have to deal with the douchebags I've come to know and hate working with, and be associated with via a company of notoriously ill repute.

I drank myself silly with Ty and Dave that night. It was good fun.

I went to a Christmas party at Greg's house on, gasp, Christmas, which was also fun. He got me Megatron, the Transformer, the original 1983 series toy that's 1 year younger than me. I was so stoked when I opened that package. I mention the party for documentation purposes, and to mention that I didn't have enough money to get home when I got to his place. I asked Greg if I could borrow some money, he asked how much? 3? 4? 5? I said 5, thinkin, 5,000 yen would be enough to get my by until my advance from Interac comes through. He hands my 50,000, and I felt a little like weeping. Thank you, Greg.

I had originally planned to use the money I had saved up in my room to get back. See, I've had this massive pile of 1 yen coins since forever, an entire drawer of them in the little jewelry stand I have on top of my bookcase, and I finally took them with me to work to deposit now that I had reached a point of destitution great enough to warrant sorting out change. Empowered by my recently opened postal savings account and the memory from a long while back of an old woman depositing a massive amount of change at my local Post Office one day, I walked in Christmas morning to give myself a little present. And what a little present it turned out to be. 1,516 yen. Which isn't bad considering I had that many 1 yen coins saved up, but not really enough to withdraw and use to get by for a while. So I just let it be.

But I went by the ATM today after I dropped Saki off at the station and checked my account to see if my Interac money had shown up, and lo and behold it had. Double heck ya. So, now I'm basically set financially because this will get me by easily till the 15th when i should get my GComm paycheck, and that combined with everything else, including my massive coinage deposit, should get me by until my first Interac paycheck at the end of February. So, this is the end of the panic regarding my finances and the beginning of, though far from the meat, of financial security, something which might be of sudden and massive importance.

Saki and I kind of had an oops at a really bad time, in a monthly sense, and we're playing the waiting game now to see how that plays out. But, we've talked and we both know that we're not really ready for what that might turn out to be. However, I've considered what would happen if she were pregnant and decided she wanted to keep it, and that's basically me marrying her and raising kids. Worse things could happen to a guy, really. She's fantastic, and I've already told her, again today cause she wanted to hear it face to face, that I do want to marry her someday in the future, and that having kids with her is something I look forward to when the time is right. Just, that time's not now as far as I'm concerned, and she knows that too. I hope, should it come down to it, that she feels the same way, as she's said as well, but women are women, and are designed to have second thoughts about that sort of thing. Thus the potential need for financial stability.

So, lots in the pipeline at the moment. Most of my life is still in semi turmoil, but the worst of it is over I think and things are starting to settle down. Myself included, as it would seem.

Fun Fun.

2007-12-19T05:05:00.000-08:00

I'm two days into training for Interac now, and it's wonderful. I'm having a really nice time, and I haven't been stressed out about it at all. I'm increasingly happy that I'm making this switch in career, especially now that I can see all the people I shortly will have used to work with, and how eager they are to go right back to doing what they were before at Nova. I can already feel the distance I will put between myself and them. Two days. Funny how that works.

Actually, the most stressful thing in the last week has been discovering, much to my chagrin that not just one, as I thought, but two of my credit cards were past due. I had to spend all the omney I don't have to pay them, and that's going to continue to be a not fun thing, as one of them reported it to my credit report, which will now float around, lowering my score for years to come. Not that that really matters all that much, seeing as I will be here in Japan for a long time, long enough for at least the onces had before coming here to fall off. But, it's frustrating all the same. I kinda vented a bit to Saki on the phone last night when she called me, shit like that just really pisses me off. I prided myself on paying my stuff on time and not carrying a balance, and then boom, bankrupt, no money, and when I thought I had paid I had in fact not, and then I get my annual feeFFFFFFFUUUCK make that three. Thanks. Guess I'll be calling ot yell at some people soon.

K, that's it for now, that kinda just put a shit end to my day. Anyway, training's good, I'm happy. Night.

An Interview, A Resignation and A Low Blow

2007-12-04T05:03:00.001-08:00

Wow, for once I didn't immediately update after some potentially life changing event. Huh. Weird.

Well, anyway, I got the job. I got a call three days later while I was at 'work' at Nova in Kanamachi congratulating me and offering my a job with Interac. I was surprised and delighted to hear from them so soon, and with that answer.

Oh, speaking of 'work', man, that's been a joke and a half. On Tuesday of last week, I went to my mini Voice type thing in Kashiwa at Mos Burger and chatted with the ladies for about an hour and forty five minutes, and raked in a whopping 15,000 yen. $150 for that long? And all I did was sit there and chat? Amazing. Gotta love this country sometimes.

But there was something odd about that morning as well. Even before I went in for my little lucrative chat, I was stopped on the street walking past the rotting corpse of the Nova building, by a Kashiwa student, asking me in what appeared to be a panic, if the Kashiwa branch was open. I had heard that it was scheduled to open the following day (it didn't, it's still closed), so I relayed the information to what appeared to be relief. Great relief. At the chat itself, a lot of the conversation revolved around Nova and the reopening of branches. They were all, each and every one of them, itching to get back into Nova, which had basically screwed them out of a LOT of money.

Also, as they're to find out, they're going to be able to use their tickets, but they have to pay 25% of their value to use them. And they're all gonna do it. Weird. Way to pay to use tickets you've already bought.

Anyway, I got to Kanamachi after I finished up in Kashiwa to find the doors locked and Dara waiting out front. So, when all of us had congregated out front, we decided to go into a coffee shop next door to sign the paperwork. Here's the deal we were given:
1) Start work immediately and go on standby if your assigned branch isn't open yet, receiving 100% of your pay regardless of whether you actually go in. Get paid on the 5th of Dec. and the 5th of Jan. and so on. Option to take a 50,000 yen advance on your December paycheck.
2) Start work on Jan. 10th, and get paid 150,000 yen to be unemployed until that date, due to having far too many teachers for what's actually needed. First actual paycheck Feb. 5th.

I chose option 1. So, of course, the next day Kanamachi opened up and I've been going to 'work' ever since. Why scare quotes, you ask? Because so far it's been a joke. We literally sat around all day doing nothing, nothing nothing nothing, all last week. I mean, sure we cleaned up the office, and made Christmas decorations, and so on, but really, it's been us playing poker in the break room and playing all sorts of creative word games, such as, a personal favorite of mine, "pick a word out of the dictionary, define it, and see who can guess the word first". So, yea, not too bad really.

Today I actually taught a lesson, gasp. Only one though, so not so bad. But it's amazing how quickly one can forget how to properly teach a lesson. Oh well. It comes back just as fast. Really it's just been a lot of stand up comedy, as Nova more or less always has been for me, but there's nothing wrong with that, as long as the students are involved, I rather enjoy it. To be honest, I'm going to miss it now that I'm leaving.

Right now, I'm reveling in the joy that is having just handed in a resignation. I'm sure I've written about this as some point before, but there really is something amazing about the feeling you get knowing that you're a lame duck. Work just gets fun after that, nothing can hurt you. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? I already have another job. If they fire me I just get a vacation before starting up again. Big whoop. I mean, it hurts where it counts, the pocketbook, but it's not gonna happen. Who's going to fire someone who's already quit? So from here on in it's just me having fun at Nova. Biiiiig deal. My resignation was as follows:
As I have been offered a position at another company, I hereby tender this, my resignation. I have greatly enjoyed working here, and I wish you all success in your endeavors. Thank you.

So now, it's just a matter of time. I've got some more paperwork to do for Interac before my training comes up on the 18th, but it's no big deal. Oh, yea, I've got training from the 18th-21st of December. I'm taking unpaid holidays to go, which were instantly approved, cause, well, we're overstaffed, so anyone who wants vacation days gets them by default, Dara just signs the thing, makes an note of it, and it's done. Sweet.

Oh, ya, the interview, forgot about that. The interview itself was pretty much what I expected. The obligatory introductions, the long ass video about why Interac is good and what they do as a company, so on and so forth, yada yada yada. I say that because during this whole time I had to pee like no other, so I wasn't really paying attention. Thankfully, I was not asked to regurgitate any of the information presented.

But, much to my surprise, when they were introducing the recruitment staff, in walks Vinny 'Vincenzo' Birch, a buddy of mine from Nova, who was promoted to AT about 6 months ago. Funny stuff, you shoulda seen the look on his face, or more, probably the look on mine. Priceless stuff, talking to each other as if we're not not only well acquainted but haven't gone drinking and gotten piss ass drunk on a number of occasions.

After a much needed potty break, we got down to actually doing some work, which involved the obligatory grammar/spelling check that weeds out, man, I dunno, mongoloids who somehow managed to make it past the first screening. I never know what that stuff is about. I mean seriously. I hope they give tests like those to relax you, you know, by acing the thing and thinking, "shit, if this is as hard as it gets, I'm golden" so you don't just ham everything else. But, the interesting twist was that the longest quiz I took was the Kiersey Temperament Sorter, something with which, as a psych major, I'm intimately familiar with. Apparently, thanks to an X, I'm either a Rationalist or an Idealist, my choice. Being Japan and all, I'm surprised they didn't just ask our blood type and leave it at that.

After the group part, we took a break before starting on the individual interviews. This is where I get to size up the competition, so to speak. Which, incidentally, is always in my favor, because, well, it just is. I happen to interview well, and other people's A Game is generally contrived to begin with. So as soon as we go on break, is when you get to see what kind of people they all really are, and I was not in the least surprised to discover that most, despite their experience, were either clueless or lacked genuine desire to have the job. Or, I dunno, they just didn't meet my standards. I wouldn't have hired them. Listening to their video lesson presentations from the other side of the dividers didn't do anything to change my impressions.

Lesson 1 I've learned when it comes to other foreigners: Other people's Japanese sucks. Seriously. Wa taaashi wa Bu ra yan dessssss. Oh man, I just can't do it justice. I mean, at least they try, but, shit. I speak better Japanese in my sleep. How these people function in Japan without even the most basic ability to introduce one's self is beyond me. Their lessons weren't that sparkling either. I knew as soon as I heard two or three other people's lessons that I was a shoe-in. I had the job as soon as I walked in, even if I hammed the thing myself.

Now, that's a lot of really cocky talk right there, but really, I think I have the right to talk like that. I've earned it through preparation and time spent making sure I can walk into a place that has no idea who I am and leave knowing they liked what they saw. If you give me 5 minutes on camera to impress a group of total strangers, fine, you got it. I get the feeling these people thought about their presentations as one would a book report, something you prepared for the sole purpose of getting it over with, or at least having something to do at all to fill 5 minutes and get out of there. For me it was just stupid, it's 5 minutes of something I do every day; make an ass out of myself so that other people can enjoy whatever it is I'm talking about. What on Earth is there to be nervous about there? I was more nervous about screwing up my Japanese than I was my lesson. My leg was shaking as I introduced myself, but as soon as some color cards came out of my pocket it was as good as over.

Some day, I hope, secretly, and halfheartedly, to attend an interview where I'm surrounded by people I'm genuinely worried are not only more qualified but better fit to a position I really want than me. Just to see how I react. My record of never having applied for a job I didn't get stands. I guess I'm not applying for the right jobs. Hmm. I'll have to think about that.

Anyway, the presentation went fine, and the interview did too. I interviewed with Denis, who is the Recruitment Manager for Interac, and is basically the 2nd highest person in the foreign side of the whole company. We got along fine, and I closed it with my ever-successful, "when given a chance to ask questions at the end, not only ALWAYS ask questions, but ask personal ones and get them to talk to you as a normal person" strategy. It's amazing what you can get out of a person when you take it to them instead of having them be someone feared by would-be future employees. When they open it up to you and you just fire one at them about if they like the company, and what do they get out of it, and how long they've been around etc etc it shows them so many things if they're thinking about it, like, "hey, this guy isn't intimidated by me" and "wow, he might actually be relaxed enough to care about who I am", but if they're not thinking about it, all the better because all of a sudden they realize they're opening up to this person they've never met and yammering on forever, huh, that's strange, must be something about him.

Anyway, so ya, got that job. Wrote them an email after I got home thanking them for their time, remembering Denis' comment that he loves when he gets a call from people afterwards just to say thanks. Speaking of which I should give him a call tomorrow and do just that, since emails don't really count, ya?

So, here I am, with a month left at what's now my old job, and I start work for Interac not in April, but first thing in January.

The problem is this: I start work in January, which means I can't go home in February as planned. And, the job's in Shinagawa, which is pretty far from where I live now. Which means I'll either be moving, or I'm gonna be getting up at 5:30am or so every day to go to work. Either way, I'm gonna be getting up ass early every day to go to work, since it starts at 8am regardless of where I am. Yuck. So, I've been thinking about moving, and where I would should I.

Actually, the other part of that is, with who. Living by myself would be fine, I'd rather live by myself than with unknown roommates at this point, I'm tired of living with other people I don't know. But, actually, odd as it is, I'm thinking of asking Saki if she wants to move in with me if I move. Ya. I know. I just said that. wtf.

But, I'd like to. I would live with her. I've spent a lot of time with her lately, she came over Saturday night after going to a wedding, she was all dolled up and waking up next to her, I could really get used to that. She came over last night for dinner too, and she actually cooked a bit for me for once. Before then I've always cooked for her, so it was nice to see her make something. It was pretty good too, this salad involving green onion, mushrooms, bamboo, boiled chicken, sesame oil and salt. Yes Janel, salt. That secret, often missing ingredient I took you to town via blog about this time last year. She's only cooked one thing for me but it was way better than anything you ever cooked. Write a paper about it why don't you? Feel free to quote me on that, since you didn't have my permission last time but felt free to all the same. Glad my tirade and your subsequent commentary was B material. Must have been the commentary that dropped you down to the B, cause that rip was the stuff of straight A's. I've checked her shoe lace tying ability too, FYI. No help needed there either.

Anyway, I'd love to live with Saki. It's a strange feeling for me, but I would. Sitting on the couch with her last night, it was perfect, we just watched TV and joked around, but mostly enjoyed just relaxing and being close to each other. She looked so beautiful sitting there with me. It really amazes me.

So yea, might be askin her about that soon. I mentioned in an email when she complained that if I lived in Shinagawa that it would be harder to see each other in our spare time that it would be nice if we lived together, to which she replied that ya, it would. So, I think she's open to the idea. More on that later I guess, as that's a pretty huge thing too.

K, lemme read back over this and see if there's anything I forgot. Nope, ya, I think that covers it. Stay warm out there all, it's freaking cold.

It's All In The Execution

2007-11-25T03:28:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning is my job interview with Interac. Kind of odd how quickly a month went by. Much faster than the two or three weeks it took them to get back to me in the first place and set up the interview. I went and got my hair cut today to look nice for it, and ran into a bunch of the mall employees I always used to talk to, so that was nice. The people at Brave, where I get my hair cut, were very friendly, and all of them mentioned that my Japanese has improved a lot since they last saw me. I think that's because I actually spoke, and my nods and smiles actually corresponded with tag questions or yes/no ones, instead of open ones which kinda end conversations in their tracks, as I should well know, being an English teacher and experiencing them on a regular basis.

Anyway, I started preparing for my interview a little while back, thinking about what I'm going to do for my little 5 minute video presentation, but when I was reviewing the information they gave me on Saturday I discovered that they want me to bring my diploma with me, something I, as I would assume most people, don't have on them at any given time. It's sitting on my wall in America, in a nice frame, a monument to the shit I had to do to get here. Well, that's not exactly true anymore, it's probably in an envelope speeding its way across the ocean soon to arrive at my door, but that's beside the point. I had my dad scan it and send me a high res copy, which I printed out this evening. Not exactly official, but at least they'll see that one exists, theoretically. I called Greg when I discovered this, and he told me he didn't have his either when he went in for his interview, and that it didn't turn out to be such a problem. But, there will be a few more people at mine, and the circumstances are different, and I'm afraid they're using it as red-tape filtering. Oh well, too late to worry about that now.

So I focused my energy practicing my stuff, and it's come together pretty nicely, basically it's exactly 5 minutes, and could be pretty fun, if all goes well. The rest of the interview I'm not really worried about so much, it's the standard stuff, which I'm pretty good at. Question and answer section, grammar test, informational speech, etc. Not that I'm not thinking about it, but, there's only so much one can prepare for those things, and at least with that part, I've got experience under my belt to help me out.

It was kind of fun, cutting out little flashcards and downloading stuff, and printing stuff out while preparing my presentation. It was I think the first time that the stress turned into something enjoyable. While I was cutting, and printing, and hacking through mistakes, I never felt nervous, I felt excited. My confidence built, and to be honest I'm not worried about it at all right now. That'll probably change tomorrow morning when I go into controlled panic mode, but, at least for now it's good to be this close to something important and not worried that my sitting here writing in my blog is taking away from my preparedness. More on that when I get home tomorrow, I'm sure.

Also, I start work with zombie neo-Nova on Tuesday in Kanamachi. I got the call from Cerie when I was plastered with Greg up in Moriya on Friday. I think I managed to maintain pretty well, but who knows. Oh well. I'm happy that I have something right now, some kind of promise of future pay while I wait around for the government to pick up the rest of my back paychecks. Money's gonna start getting reallllly tight pretty soon here, but for now I'm going to enjoy this time for what it is. Heh, today was the last day of my month long vacation from work.

In other, slightly more gross but all the same important news, I've been taking the fight to this plantar wart on my left foot I've had since I was like 12 or 13. I've been really self conscious about it for a long time, and I've tried over and over to remove the thing, like, by cutting it with a razor blade, burning it, freezing it, yanking it, etc, only to have nothing really happen other than it getting bigger. Thanks ignorance. Anyway, I thought that I had finally gotten rid of the thing, and sure enough it came back with a vengeance like 4 hours later, so I snapped and started scouring the internet for info on places in Oregon where I could get some kind of hardcore laser treatment and have the thing destroyed permanently when I came across a web page saying that basically I could put Duct Tape on the thing and it'd go away, as I may have talked about previously. Well, I've been doing that for a week or so now...I think. Two? One? I can't recall, anyway I went on this crazy mission to find Duct Tape that led me back to Moraju when I saw Shunto and Momoka with Richard. Since then, I've put Salicylic acid on the wart, and then covered it with Duct Tape, removing it only to shower, cut off the dead skin, and reapply.

Well, the thing's gone. I mean, as far as I can see. I'm gonna give it a day to see if there are any roots left, and decide what to do from there. I'll know cause there will be a callous there more pronounced and faster growing than other areas of skin around it. But, after picking up an emery board from the mall today when I got my hair cut and filing away more dead skin, there's basically no sign there are any roots present. I want to laugh at how simply and effectively that worked, but I'm saving it until I know it's gone for good. But then, oh yes, there will be laughter. And rejoicing. And I will walk around for basically the rest of my life without fear of people seeing or coming into contact with my feet. That's something that anyone who's never had a plantar wart simply wouldn't understand. It's going to take the rest of my life I think, however, to get over picking at where it used to be.

I'll be honest I'm really skeptical that this will have worked, I still expect to wake up tomorrow and discover something there again, but, at least I know how to keep it in check. I'll do this as long and as many times as it takes to be rid of it. The procedure was painless and, honestly, enjoyable, in a sick kind of way. I have 2 more warts remaining on my feet, tiny little guys by comparison, and they're up next. No wart is ever safe from my wrath. Die you HPV bitches!

In other, other news, Saki came over last night and she was just the cutest thing. It's strange, I'm starting to understand a lot more about how the Japanese, and some other Asian cultures, work regarding public vs. private selves. Saki is a very cool, relaxed, chill girl when we're out and about, she's witty, sarcastic at times, etc etc she's great. But then at home, when we're alone, and in bed, she's different, but still her. She's a lot cuter, she tells me more about her feelings, the real cutesy shit comes out, and I like that too, but what I'm coming to understand is that that's how things work out here. Not that it hasn't been said a million times over, but there really is a public and private reality here.

This is what I think really confuses foreigners, namely Westerners, when they come here and get into relationships with the locals. They meet someone who seems very put together, or fun, or non-possessive, or loves their music, and that's all very well true, for their public persona. But when they become comfortable enough to show their private side, invariable it's things that those foreigners don't like. And then boom, the relationship crashes, and all you hear are stories about how this Japanese chick was cool for a while, and then as soon as things settled or got serious, "they just completely changed overnight into someone I couldn't stand to be around."

Funny that this country breeds people to split their personalities, even though it's ok here because that's what's expected, and thinks that's not going to cause relationship problems. Or maybe, it doesn't so much because the guys here all know it's coming. But that would also explain why old people here are so completely different from young ones, because their personalities have melded again, and they've stopped giving a shit about putting on appearances and just hate gaijin openly, or whatever. It's an interesting system, and I'll have to spend some more time considering the ramifications. See what other questions and observations that clears up.

Kk, time for me to rehearse once or twice more, and then get some good rest so I can just crush my interview tomorrow.

Update

2007-11-22T06:58:00.001-08:00

Shortly after my last post I of course got a phone call from Dara who, despite being scum incarnate, I was happy to hear from. Here's the news:
Apparently what's happened is that Dave and I haven't been assigned to a branch yet. That's why I haven't been called in to sign contracts and get started. But, given that I live within walking distance of a Tsukuba Express line station, we might be able to start working at the Tsukuba branch as early as next week. Kashiwa apparently is negotiating for reopening, but is not finished, and that's why we haven't heard back yet as well. But I could be starting soon, and that's a positive note.

As I previously foresaw, it's cold as all hell tonight and though I'm sure it's beautiful, the only thing one can appreciate in this weather is how nice it feels to be warm in my layers and wrapped up in blankets. Which is a bittersweet victory as warm is what should be normal, and a return to normal is hardly worth calling pleasure. And of course, because the cold is always waiting, a millimeter away from wherever I am, or wherever my sleeves stop.

Me and the Sky

2007-11-21T17:52:00.000-08:00

Well, today is another day. The sun is shining in a clear, cloudless sky, and it's almost warm enough in my room to leave the heater off a while, a typical autumn or early winter day here in the Kanto region. I was amazed last night yet again as I stood on the balcony at Richard's apartment while taking a break from watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix by how stark and clear the winter sky can be at night. It's a rare thing for us Oregonians, seeing as the rainy season comprises the cold 9 months of the year. Here it's quite the opposite. The dry season is the cold season, and the hot season is the rainy season, which, when you think about it, makes for beautiful but unenjoyably cold winters and lush yet hot, wet and miserably humid summers.
You'll hear the Japanese rave about how spring is the big season here; it's the one to wait for, to be here for, to look forward to and relish in the delicate, fleeting moment between two otherwise miserable seasons. But I'm here to say they're full of it. Horseshit. Spring in Tualatin is warmer, sunnier, significantly less windy, and sports the exact same cherry blossoms as does Japan, minus about 900 years of age. Springtime here is cold. And it's rainy, whatever they say. And if you happen to be lucky enough to have a sunny day coincide with the week, yes 1 single solitary week the blossoms are out, good luck to you getting a spot where you can enjoy them. Literally the entire nation of Japan is in Ueno Park, or Kashiwa No Ha Park, or that little cherry tree a couple blocks down from your house, sprawled out and shitfaced and laughing that your gaijin ass wasn't there three weeks earlier scouting out spots like the locals were, after having stopped by periodically throughout the year to monitor pruning and changes in soil composition.
It's like this with everything though, take undokai, Field Day, for example. It's Field Day, seriously, but parents get there at 4am or earlier to start waiting in line, another long and honored Japanese tradition. And when, at 9am, they open the gates, they have to let people in in groups of 10, because otherwise there would be open fistfighting between the dads who have been elected to go wait in line and secure a good spot to watch their kids, but not really cause it's all just for show, while the moms are back home cooking massive lunches for the family and making sure that their kids wake up on time and are in peak condition for their performa, er, competition.

But alas, I digress. It's sunny today. I woke up with a headache this morning from sleeping with my contacts in again. I think the time in my life to actually use dailies as dailies and not bi-yearlies may be approaching. It's yet another day I haven't heard back from Cerie about going to work to sign my contract, and I get the impression it's going to be a little while before I can do that. I got a call from them last week asking me if I could come in to Kanamachi on Monday to do so, but then on Monday got a message saying that wasn't going to be possible, and another saying that Tuesday and Wednesday were a no go as well, and to wait until I was contacted again. Probably next week, from what I've gathered from the rumor mill.

But as well the rumor mill has brought the interesting news that other people I know living in Abiko are starting work next week, and it's making me wonder why it is I haven't been given a call as well. Neither I nor Richard nor Bryan nor Nathan have, but Christian and Jeremy are going to work in Kita Senju next week. I was given a call from Cerie about going to Kanamachi, so it might just be that I was assigned to that branch and that that particular one isn't ready to open yet, but I also have to wonder if they knew that and sent those two to one that was opening for some undisclosed reason. I know that both of them basically went to work every day until the collapse, and that Bryan and I missed a day or two there at the end, and now I'm wondering if that's Foreign Personnel going through our files and selecting the people that went every day and didn't bail. That's the kind of thing they would never admit to, but I suppose with a little investigation it wouldn't be hard to find if there's a pattern to those they called.

But all the same, it means that the process has started, and that people are going to start getting calls to come in to work, if not now then at least sometime soon, and that's progress. Any progress is good in my opinion, even if I'm still being excluded from those that are being chosen. Hopefully it's just that my branch hasn't been opened yet, but I guess we'll see in time.

So for now, it's just me and the sky. Here in my room, it's hot because only the sunlight comes in. But I know it's cold out there. And when the sun begins to set, there will be nothing to hold that heat in. And who knows, by the time it gets dark, I'll probably be so worried about keeping warm I won't even look outside my window to see the night sky and be surprised by its beauty. But for now, I'll enjoy it.

A Depressed Venting of Doubt and Ponderance

2007-11-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

I've got to admit I'm a little less than happy at the moment. Nova has found a sponsor, yes, but, that doesn't really mean much. I still have no idea when, if ever, I'm going to see my last two paychecks, and the company that bought them out, G Communication, otherwise known as EC, is basically the devil incarnate. And, they plan to open only 30 profitable schools at first, with aims to open 200 in the future, which means that basically everyone is going to get axed that hasn't already quit. If this includes me, I don't know, but I don't want to find out, honestly.

Which brings me to my current position. I have an interview with Interac on the 26th of this month, a couple weeks from now, but even then there's no guarantee that I'll have employment at all, and if so, nothing perhaps until April of next year. Now, I am eligible to go on unemployment, which I probably will end up doing, and I am going to continue to look and apply for other jobs in the meantime.

But I've been sitting around for a week now, almost two, doing nothing really. Nothing except stewing in this crap, trying to keep myself from sinking in what's becoming an increasingly depressing situation.

Why am I still here? What am I hoping to accomplish by being here any longer? The more I think about it the less I have an answer. The ones I do have aren't really all that convincing, either. I'm not really acquiring skills I can use in the future, at least not for what I want to be doing, and at least not at the moment I'm not putting money away to contribute to whatever that future may be. I'm just kinda, hangin around. Having the floor drop out from under me has really kind of make me question what I'm doing here.

So here's what I've come up with.
I like Japan a lot. I enjoy living here, I'm learning Japanese, making friends, and really enriching my life in the sense that this is something I will never forget, and use to grow and build myself into something worthwhile.
I like Saki a lot. Enough said.

But after that, man....gotta be honest I'm havin a hard time coming up with something. I mean, for Greg, it's different, what he wants is to teach kids and have fun and spend his life doing that. And that's fantastic, I really admire him for that. But I don't know if that's what I want. I'm sick of feeling like I'm underqualified for anything. I want to be a specialist in something. At the moment I'm qualified to....teach at an Eikaiwa. And be a camp counselor. And maybe go to grad school. Having said that I'm not even really qualified to teach, I just have 2 years experience with a massive(and failed) conversational English school.

God, it's really depressing me. When I think about Nova being resurrected, I get depressed because I still haven't gotten paid and I'm still not any closer to a future or being secure or happy. What's gonna happen? They're gonna keep me on, and I'm gonna keep working for them like a chump? Delude myself into thinking it's ok and continue with this even though I know it's not right? If not that then what? Try to find another job until my other potential job starts, so that what? I can teach English at an elementary school, which I still don't even know is what I really want to do. But at least I'm in Japan, in the place I love with the woman I love, right?

Or, what? I drag myself back home, leave all this behind me, however hard that would be, and do what? Go to grad school? For what? Human Resources, probably, to pay the bills. Is that even what I really want to do? I have no fucking clue. I don't wanna stay in Japan just cause this is where I am, but I don't wanna go home just because it's where I'm from.

I want to make a difference in people's lives. That's what I want. I want to help people, to make life better for as many as I can. Can I do that in Japan? Can I do that in America? Something I really took to heart as I read a couple of Noam Chomsky's books was that he discusses American policy and not that of other countries because America is the country over which he has any influence whatsoever. That's not to say other countries don't need help, but you fight the battles you're capable of, and leave the rest to those who can. Can I make a difference to people in Japan, even as an American? Would it be any different in the U.S.?

One of the things I enjoy most about being a camp counselor is that I feel like I really make an impression on the kids I'm around. That, while not all the time, some of those kids really are changed by what they experience there, of which I am a large part. I feel this because I've kept in contact with a bunch of them, and I've seen them grow up to be good people. Does teaching kids here in Japan give me that same chance? Even if I myself can't see my own goals clearly for what they are, am I at least aiming in the right direction in seeking to work with children somewhere?

I think there's a huge potential for positive change by being an influential and positive presence in the lives of young people here in Japan. There is so much discrimination and inadvertent racism here that in a couple generations could be weeded out of the population if people work hard enough now to open the hearts and minds of the youth. The same can be said of America as well, but I think the potential for impact here is greater. A white guy teaching white kids in America doesn't seem like it would have as much of an impact as a white guy teaching Japanese kids about a foreign language and culture to which they're basically never exposed.

But alas, I digress. The question for me now is really becoming, which do I chose? Because a choice has to be made. I can either: attempt to continue teaching as I do now with the hope of getting the experience necessary to do it well and make a difference; take the time to obtain the proper education and certification needed to do this type of work professionally with the hope of landing a job that could actually support me and my future family, whether in Japan or in America, or bail on the whole thing, go home and seek training toward an entirely different future.

That's what I'm going to be pondering as these next days and weeks pass by. That's what I'd like some advice on.

"Ee? Gaijin da!"

2007-10-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

In other news, dangit I like my girlfriend. I spent more than a couple evenings with her last week, and being around her is just so dang much fun. I went shopping with her after she finished work the other day, to Moraju ironically, where I wasn't working that day because I had called in sick due to not having been paid. We went to the royal home center so she could find kind of like toolboxes so they could transport blood samples easily around the lab where she works. So we got like 7 or 8 of these things, but not before walking around the whole place playing with stuff like little kids and making musical instruments out of triangular pieces of metal and nails(早希Saki played the triangle in Jr.HS, a clear sign of musical accomplishment).

What really gets me about being with her is the way when with each other we can just relax and let our childlike selves out for a bit and have fun just exploring the world around us and making something enjoyable or interesting out of everything we come across. After playing around in the hardware store, we cruised out to her hospital, where we snuck around like ninjas breaking into the place, cause clearly a strange gaijin walking around the place didn't make us look suspicious enough. On the way out, we were playing carpet games, like you did as a kid walking around the mall only stepping on certain colored tiles, and getting not strange looks thank God but smiles and distracted laughter from those who we happened to pass by as we made our way to the exit. That we can do this shamelessly for me is like being able to breathe without hindrance.

While we were at the hospital though, we got a couple of other fun moments that mostly revolved around the blatant shock of my presence. Saki asked her boss if it was ok for me to come into the lab, and after saying yes of course I entered. As soon as he saw me he just straight said "え!外人だ！" (Huh?! He's an outsider! I say outsider and not foreigner because foreigner is 外国人gaikokujin and 外人gaijin is the, albeit culturally accepted and largely unaware, racial slur against all non-Japanese). Then of course is the, "日本語分かるの？” which of course I understand because the first thing other than 外人 that foreigners learn to recognize is the question of whether we understand Japanese.

Anyway, after that we stepped out of the lab and ran into another of Saki's coworkers, a young lady who was visibly shocked by my presence, and intimidated to the point of speechlessness, which, despite being frustrating to me in its indicativeness of utter lack of exposure to other cultures, is endlessly amusing. Lemme use -ness a couple more times here.

AND, as long as I'm on the topic, when I met Saki that afternoon at the station, she was talking to a friend she had ran into from her triangle playing school days, who as well was shocked to see me, but in a much more lively, conversational way. She, like hopefully an increasing number of young Japanese, though shy at first, really opened up as soon as she realized that I'm capable of holding a conversation in Japanese. The worst part though was that she works as part of the ground staff for Narita Airport, which means that not only does she use English every day of her life, but she's pretty good at it. Of course though, not a word of English came out of her mouth during the whole conversation. Funny how that works.
Anyway, she was amazed as well, and they talked about me as if I weren't even there, the whole time noticing my mannerisms and the way Saki and I act together and commenting that a Japanese guy would definitely never do that. A good thing, apparently. Oh, and apparently I stink of gaijin. I.e. I wear cologne. Funny how you can wear a cologne that 98% of western women will tell you smells amazing and then go to Japan and be told you reek. Not reek I guess really but more, have a really strong scent. Japanese men don't wear cologne. Or antiperspirant either, for that matter. I'd say it's cause they don't need it, but that's flat out not true. More true than it is for westerners, but, still. I mean come on.

I kind of don't really appreciate being talked about like a pet, which is basically how the conversation went, but at least all the while she was complimenting Saki and saying how jealous she was despite having recently gotten engaged. That was flattering.

Anyway anyway anyway what I'm getting at here, however long-windedly, is that Saki through all of these experiences, of which there have been many many outside of just this particular day, just goes along as if there's nothing strange about it at all. She just does not give a shit that I'm white, or more importantly, not Japanese. I suppose that shouldn't feel like a good thing, that should be normal, but let's face it, it's not. It's a rare and amazing thing for which I am deeply grateful. My girlfriend feels in no way ashamed or embarrassed by my presence, and is willing to introduce me to her friends, coworkers and supervisors.

That's incredible. This girl is incredible, and, as my friends have all pointed out on numerous occasions, I'm lucky as hell to be with her. Not just lucky, but happy. Really, really, genuinely happy. That in and of itself is a rare thing, for which I am deeply grateful.

Progress

2007-10-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

I sent Greg a message the other day, telling him how sad it was that I still hadn't heard back from Interac regarding my application, and that I was going to have to find work elsewhere. He wrote back saying he was surprised by that, and shot off an email to his man behind the scenes to see what he could stir up.

Well, that was a few days ago and I had kinda given up on it. I was looking through the gaijinpot.com job listings, as I've gotten into the habit of daily after work, when I got a call from Greg, and we got to talking about how his guy wrote him back saying he would do something or other that was pretty cryptic but sounded like track down my info and get on it.

Anyway, I went to my email program to read him the last message I had received, which also happened to be the only email I had received from them, that being their initial confirmation of my online application. But then, as I opened it up, I saw that I had a new message, and lo and behold it was from Interac, informing me that I had passed the initial screening stage and instructing me to pop on to their website to continue with my application, which, after reviewing, they would probably give me a call and set up an interview. Sweet tits.

So I'm going through the thing, copying and pasting my resume information onto it, and giving all the relevant details, when I come across the references section, and kind of hit a roadblock. Who on Earth was I going to give as a reference? I've been here for 2 years, and more than likely the people who would have been my reference from my previous job in Oregon either have quit or transferred or have no idea who I am anymore. So I was kind of in a jam, and didn't know what to do.

Then I realized, well, wait a tick, Alex, my manager and trainer just so happens to be on Facebook, and we just so happen to be friends on there now that we've pretty clearly established that he couldn't give a fuck about the company anymore now that it's indiscriminately screwed us all over. So I tossed him a message asking if I could use him as a reference, and like 10 minutes later he had responded saying that's fine, and gave me his information. Freaking awesome! So I filled out the rest of the application and sent it on its merry way.

There was a spot where I could give my personal webpage, which I thought was interesting, and just out of curiosity, I checked my actual webpage and gave it a onceover for sanitation. Now, for exactly this reason, a while back I went and removed all existing links to this blog, and removed my name from it in any traceable way. I also went and removed my name from the entries here in which it appeared, to make sure that a Google search of my name wouldn't give someone back door access to this, whose contents are somewhat privileged. Or at least, now they are since making it inaccessible. This enables me to, hmmm how should I say, be honest, more or less, even though I know that my dad at least at one point had the address for this, and who knows, probably has it bookmarked somewhere that mom can't find it, but still checks now and again. Anyway, what it also does is protect me from potential employers going up online as would be so easy to do nowadays and read up about me. One must be prudent with what comes up with your name on it these days, ya?

So the links and pics on there were sanitary enough, so I said sure, what the heck, I'll give them the address, cause really what harm could it do? I know, I know, famous last words, but, hopefully they see it as a vote of confidence rather than an opportunity to hack into my private(despite being on the internet) life.

Anyway, this is all to say, that's some damn good news. Hopefully what will happen from here is that I get an interview, they hire me, and happen to have a job waiting for me when I get there and can start right away. More realistically, however, is the possibility that there will not be immediate work, in which case either I wait it out for a couple months till something comes along or, as Greg pointed out, I could be a sub, where I just go in every day early and wait to see if someone calls in sick. I'd be essentially on call, and though people might not call in, I'd get paid nonetheless, albeit a great deal less. But hopefully enough to survive on until I get something full time. That wouldn't be so bad, cause at least then I'd have a little cash coming in to pay rent and stuff. It's not like being broke as hell is anything really new to me.

Lalala

2007-10-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated at the moment, because it seems like no matter who I talk to, they've all got some job or other lined up. Everyone it seems has an interview or has a new job, or you know, just so happened to be the first person to post their resume for a new listing, and got called like two seconds later.

There are so many people looking for jobs right now, and I know my lack of luck is proportional to the competition, but, *sigh*.

I'm trying to be relaxed about it all, takin it easy and enjoying the time off, but admittedly it's a little hard when I know that I do in fact need to be making progress towards being employed again.

Amid the faxes from Saruhasi, and the not getting paid, and the rest of the crap that's going on with Nova, it's just shitty to watch jobs fall into my friends' laps and not mine, though that's not to say I'm not happy for them. It makes me happy to see that they are going to be able to stay, I just want to be a part of that group. I want to be able to say, "yeahp, I have a new job" when someone asks, and look at my girlfriend without secretly wondering if I'm going to have to leave her because I can't stay in Japan.

Honestly that's what would be the worst, is leaving Saki.
We met up yesterday for dinner, and the most amazing thing happened. We basically spoke the entire time in Japanese. I mean, there were a couple words tossed in in English now and again when I just wanted to really make sure I said exactly what I meant, but other than that. It was crazy. I just kept catching myself and smiling because of it.
Also, we were talking about wedding cake cutting procedure, and how Japanese adopted it from us but they forgot to actually feed the cake to one another, which, at least in my opinion, is a big deal. So after I explained it, Saki takes a spoonful of the desert we were eating and feeds it to me, and then I grab the spoon and do the same for her, and we just kinda looked at each other, smiled, and moved on with the conversation. But there was something there. Can't quite put my finger on it, but, it was there.

Ok, anyway, more later. Wish me luck getting a job.

The Beginning? Part 2

2007-10-14T20:26:00.001-07:00

I got my visa approval card on Saturday, and I went and picked that up this morning. I was given a 3 year visa, so I can stay here as long as I want now without worrying about my visa expiring on me.

Funny story about that, see, I don't have any money. Literally. I think we all kind of (wrongly) assumed that we would at least get this month's pay and then the world would fall apart but we'd be ok cause at least we got paid. So, Saki and I took our trip to Nikko, I paid bills as I normally have to, and went to a few of my friends' going away parties.

But, then, er, ya. They told us our paychecks would be late, i.e. never gonna come.

So anyway, I tried to pull money out of my U.S. account yesterday but was unsuccessful, I assumed it was because I was using the card in another country. So, then I remembered that there was probably a withdrawal limit on my account, tried to take out less, still with no luck. I was going to have to call my bank, but my phone isn't enabled for international calls and my calling card had no more minutes left on it.

I went down to the Chiba Prefectural Immigration Office with about 7500 yen in my pocket and to my name. The visa was 4000 yen, and transportation was about 1500. That left me with 2000 yen in my pocket when I arrived back in Shin Matsudo, where there's a post office and a couple convenience stores, among other things.

So, here's where it gets cool, but, I mean not really cause the whole situation sucks. But anyway, I pop up on my phone and download a barcode that I use at the convenience store to purchase minutes for my phone card costing me, yes, you guessed it, 2000 yen. Then, using my newly purchased minutes, I called my U.S. bank and spoke to them about my account, and discovered that while I was able to withdraw money, the limit was far lower than I had attempted to withdraw. Anyway, they raised the limit for me, I went to the ATM, took out some cool cash, and voila! Here I am with a valid 3 year visa and cash in hand to last me through the month.

So, I'm not going to die. I'm not going to starve, but I am going to be living extremely tight until I get a new job and start getting paychecks again.

My friends here have been really supportive during this whole thing, mostly cause we're all in it together. Especially my friend Richie, he's been a big part of my sanity, and more especially Greg, who is going out of his way to help me get a job with the company he works for as soon as possible. My girlfriend, Saki, as well has helped me to focus on the good of all this, and kept me from wallowing in what would otherwise be an incredibly shit situation. Except she's usually so tired after she gets off work that she falls asleep after sending me a text message. Oh well.

Anyway, more as things progress. Thanks all for your support.

The Beginning?

2007-10-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

Told you I would update this thing like mad.

I've been polishing (i.e. completely rewriting) my resume and typing up a cover letter, and am largely satisfied with the results.

But, more importantly, halfway through the mail came, and, out of paranoia I checked to see if there was anything for me.

When I looked in the mail slot, I saw the regular stuff: cable bill, my wire transfer receipt from last month, a couple fliers, and a postcard.

Wait, a postcard? That's new.

Reluctantly, hesitantly, I reached for the small card gingerly resting atop the mail I'd been looking at for weeks. When you're waiting for something in the mail, and day after day it doesn't come, something like learned helplessness sets in, where no matter what it sounds like, you just kind of start to assume it's not going to be what you're waiting for. So as I reached down into the mail slot I really didn't think it would be anything special, in fact I had no attachment to it other than it's what happened to arrive today.

So as I picked it up, the first thing I saw was the big red stamp from the postal service, circular and bold, drawing the eyes away from the other, handwritten letters on the one side of the card. But as my eyes broke free of the grasp of the red ink, they focused on the letters to finally recognize the handwriting as my own.

Without really registering the significance of my own handwritten name and address on the card, I flipped it over to inspect the letter on the other side. I recalled being in the immigration office, filling in the card, and how, after completing it, flipping it over to see the letter I was then looking at, only to hand it to the clerk before really digesting its contents. More appropriately, before checking to see if there was some checkbox or notice that said my application hadn't been approved.

See, even then, holding the card in my hand, now realizing its significance, my mind had still not yet relinquished the possibility of failure, a self-preservation mechanism I'm sure that stems from all the bad things happening around me. I was fully prepared to turn that card over and see that my visa had not been approved, and that I would be forced to leave the country. But as I read the card fully, I realized there was in fact no such notice, and I was, for certain, holding a letter of approval for my long awaited visa.

So, that's one thing down on my list of things that must happen for me to remain in Japan. I have a visa. I'm going down on Monday to pick it up, using the money I had to float myself to pay for it.

Now all I need is another job. Little things, ya? But that's why I'm working on my resume.

The End: Part 2

2007-10-12T18:50:00.001-07:00

Well, in times of crisis, there's only one thing a man such as myself can do, and that's blog constantly about it.

Greg is going to send an email off to Interac, the company he works for, in conjunction with my online application that I sent off last night and received a confirmation email for this morning. Hopefully we will be able to work something out where I begin working as soon as possible, assuming they like anything about me and would want to hire me.

This morning all I can do is look outside at the sky, sunny, with a few clouds stretching out lazily across the sky. There's a cool wind blowing, Ty's laundry is rocking back and forth in front of my balcony sliding door, and the sound of the wind picking up sounds like the noise when rope is being pulled from a reel quickly. Fall is setting in, though it's still warm in the sun, the air will sweep away your warmth should you let it. It's admittedly a nice time of year, I can begin to smell the familiar scents of this season, farmers burning leaves, the drop in humidity and temperature that makes the air feel somehow sharper. Unlike Ty who loves this temperature, I have my heater on at night, have for a week or two now, but when I wake up some days my room is far too hot.

I have a three day weekend now anyway, but it's going to be a much longer one now I think. Why is beyond me but at times like this I just kinda want to walk around in the silence of the world and just look at things. Walk to the station without having to catch a train, take my time and just look at things I never really have the chance to when I'm trying to get there in 13 minutes. My neighborhood is really quiet, so it's nice sometimes to move around in a world that's on mute, hearing my footsteps and the wind only as I navigate streets and pathways.

I have to debate now whether or not to go to work on Tuesday, presumably after not having been paid. A large part of me says not to, there's no point, I'm not getting paid for it so why should I? But the other part of me is split in two as well. Half of half of me wants to go to work out of respect for my students, they paid money too and are getting shafted in a different but similar way; they'll never get their money back and my refusal to come to work all but assures they'll never get any real value out of it either. The other half of half of me says I should say fuck it, have some fun, go to work in regular clothes, just be a regular guy at work, give out my number to anyone who wants it, for private lessons and the like, and get my stuff that I've allow to accumulate there over the years. I think that's what I'm going to do, at least assuming I have nothing better to do, like a job interview or something.

The kicker at this point is my visa. The not having heard back about it is really starting to get to me, but at this point I'm anticipating the death blow to me personally of being denied. Basically if I get a visa I can at least attempt to salvage my life here, but, there's no hope of that if I don't. I'd have to go home, soonish, and then what? Try to come back again? Stay in America and go to grad school? Get some lousy entry level job and get stuck? That much I'm not ready to really consider yet, though, like the job applications I should have been sending out a while ago, I should think about it now while it's still up in the air.

I took out $1k to get me through this month, assuming come Friday we still don't get paid, which we won't. It's not going to be pleasant paying it off, but what other option do I have? I've got bills, man. Even if I don't stick around here, money has to be in my checking account every month; the US Government isn't very forgiving of tardiness regarding the renumerance of student loans.

Well, anyway, I've got a lot of free time on my hands, so, today I think will be me cleaning a whole bunch, writing here, and otherwise trying to keep myself occupied. Ah, maybe I should write my resume, since I can't find my old copy.

The End

2007-10-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

Nova's finished.

There was a fax after we all went home today, 9:35 apparently, saying that instructors won't be paid until the 19th, instead of the 15th. That's it, that's the end.

I'm officially out of a job, in Japan, with a visa that will expire in just over 2 weeks. Fantastic. Oh, and I'm broke too. As if that helps.

I sent an application to Interac just now, the company Greg works for. We'll see where that gets me.

I would be more shocked if this were the first time I've suddenly found myself completely and utterly fucked, which I am, more or less. The only difference between now and the other times is that now I have a week or two to make some tough choices and get things sorted.

Not to turn this into a whine-fest, but, why? I mean, of all the things to have follow me around in my life, why does it have to be complete, utter, life destroying, emotionally scarring disaster?

Oh well. You take the hand you're dealt, eh? Chin up, David.

Stocks and Broken Bonds

2007-10-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

So here's what just happened with Nova:

A couple days ago the GU (Genereal Union) submitted a request to METI, the Ministry of Trade, to assist Nova and demand that teachers be paid, and, at the same time METI demanded of Nova that they pay back outstanding refund requests from students who have canceled their contracts.

This means that there's something in the making to ensure that I do get paid, but here's what's more:
It was released on Tuesday that Nova has issued 200 stock warrants to two different trading companies in the Virgin Islands, which would issue millions of new shares of stocks in the company, should the companies regularly exercise their option. What that means, as has been pointed out in deft financial analysis, is that as the number of stocks increases, the controlling share of the current holders will decrease, especially Saruhashi himself, and the company shareholders, who combined control 71% of Nova's current stock.

Should all the stocks be purchased by these companies over the next year, their combined controlling shares will be reduced to 18%, as in, the stock warrants constitute a 400% increase in the total number of shares. If the value of the stock increases even 5 yen, the companies will break even, but moreover it means that Nova will have more money to actually pay people off, but at what cost? They've lost control of the company. The CEO will have lost control of the company, which shows that he's completely lost faith in the business and is willing to lose control of it to keep it afloat for just a little while longer while these two bottom feeder companies make some profit from the sinking ship.

This is good for me because it makes me feel a little more secure that I will continue to get paid a little while longer, until I get my visa stuff sorted out and look for a new job that might not start immediately. But, it also means that I had better damn well find that job, cause unless Saruhashi has some crazy idea for how he's going to eventually regain control of the vast majority of those stocks, his company is gone. These two companies have no intention of changing anything about the company, or running it once it's in their control, which is further evidence that they're only in it to turn a quick profit and be out of it.

No company is going to want to buy out Nova now, at least not until these two companies have bought all their cheap stocks, and then flooded the market with them. That means, if someone wanted to have controlling share, they would have to put a huge amount of money into those two companies as well. So, it's good for the traders, but...who knows what it means for us.

Oh well, it's the best news I've heard in a long time. No matter how much things improve here I'm still leaving, the deathblow to my wanting to work for Nova has long since been dealt, i want nothing to do with this company any longer than I have to.

Hope?

2007-10-02T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well the AT's got paid on the 28th, which was a relief to us all. What that means as far as the future of my company goes is anyone's guess.
Friday was the staff payday as well, and Megumi, my j-staff, was unable to tell me if she got paid, cause, well, she hadn't checked yet. Who does that? I mean seriously, you're working for a company that might not have paid you and you somehow just don't get around to checking to see if your check was deposited? Silly Japanese, even if I do understand them someday I'll always think they're bass ackwards. I asked her the next day if she knew, and lo and behold, she still hadn't checked. I repeat, who does that? I mean, really.

Anyway, the upside to this is that people got paid. The downside is that it has given us lazy folk, of which working for Nova there are quite a few, that sort of lazy man's hope that addles us and prevents us from taking decisive action towards the inevitable. See, Richie and I both said at the exact same time on the bus after learning the ATs had been paid that now we suddenly feel like everything's going to be ok, and of course we're going to get paid on time, and no we don't have to bother looking for a new line of work any sooner than we had originally planned.
Which clearly isn't true, them having gotten paid means extremely little until our next payday rolls around and we see how things go from there, but in either case we shouldn't be waiting around for something like that to make our decision. We should be doing shit now, before the hundreds or thousands of other lazy folks like ourselves find themselves out of a job and all start looking at the exact same time. But no. ATs got paid, so, we're waiting it out now, confident as only the willfully naive can be.

But, at least in Richie's case he can go about looking for another job whenever he pleases. I, on the other hand, don't have that luxury. See, on Friday morning I went down to the immigration office and dropped off my application for my new visa, a 3 year one, by the way. See, my current visa expires at the end of this month, which means that I can't even apply for a new job somewhere else because already living in Japan employers will require that I have at least 4-6 months remaining on my visa so they can determine whether I'm going to stick it out with them and want to sponsor me for another visa. So, until I hear back from the immigration office regarding my visa, I can't even start looking for another job. Well, I can look, but I can't really do anything about it.

The worst part about it was, and this happened to both Big Jenn and I on the same day at different immigration offices, that after they took our application and we put our addresses on the little postcard they send you when your visa is ready to be picked up, IF, not when mind you but IF we receive this postcard then we should come back to the office to pick it up. They didn't say what would happen if I DON'T receive it, just that IF I do, I should come on by.

Now, when you think about it, that makes sense, right? I mean, there's always a chance that for whatever reason your visa might be denied, and as such the appropriate word is IF I receive the card. But, see, I've done this once before, and between me, Big Jenn, and everyone else I know, no one has ever heard them use 'if' rather than 'when'. It's disturbing. The thing of it is Big Jenn and I are both Nova instructors, and both went on the same day, so it could be that they just updated their script to use 'if', but it also could be that they both saw Nova on our forms and that caused the 'if'. Unsettling for both of us.

So anyway, my fingers are crossed and we'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll still be around in another month.

In other news, Saki and I are going to Nikko this weekend. We're renting a car and driving down there for a two day one night excursion to see the changing of the leaves, and the world famous "Hear no evil, etc" monkey statues. Oh, and do some hot spring stuff. And enjoy our first overnight vacation and road trip together. Ahh couple stuff.

I'm not gonna have much money left over come payday, so I've gone into mega yen conservation mode. I can't be certain I'll get paid on time or at all, so, I gotta make these yennies last as far as possible. I know, a vacation to Nikko with Saki isn't exactly spendthrift, but, it was planned a while back, and well, I'm just gonna do it. I don't care. I've got one shot at life, I'm gonna enjoy it, damnit.

Not So Much Quitting, But Moving On

2007-09-29T02:24:00.000-07:00

I quit. Not Nova, not yet, though I should, and will, soon enough, but I mean smoking. Again.

A year ago I quit, for 4 months, until shortly before coming back to America, when Serena was visiting, waiting for the train back to my house from getting royally drunk over at Greg's place. I had the first cigarette there and it was a short path back to regularly smoking from there.

I'm writing this down here so that I will be horribly humiliated should I crack, but I won't. There is no possibility of failure anymore. I can do anything I put my mind to. My life has the possibility of falling completely apart right now, and if I am not able to enact my will, then I am incapable of anything. I quit. I will not smoke again.

Furthermore, I will find another job should the need arise, and I will start or stop anything that I feel necessary in my life to make it what I want.

No longer will this weak will of mine stand in the way of accomplishing that which I dream of. This is it.

About A Girl

2007-09-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

In slightly happier news, my girlfriend and I have been together for over 5 months now. I haven't written too much about it, mostly because I'm doing my best not to let my emotions take control of me and burn out on it or want something serious too quickly. I want things to happen at their own pace, and not rush into anything that's gonna eventually push me away from it.

And the result has been this: I really like this girl. I don't say it very often, and when my friends ask me how things are I'm generally pretty nonchelant about it, but I really do. She's really chill, and we goof around about the exact same things, and the fact is we both learn so much from each other. I like that we're still getting to know each other as well. As time has gone by, we've started talking about things little by little, learning about each other's pasts, and likes, and dislikes, and really kind of discovering each other at our own pace, and that's really nice. I've never felt uncomfortable with her.

We don't really volunteer information to each other, or ever really ask about it, when it comes up it comes up and we both listen and learn. And as we get more comfortable, we've started making our own groove, we have our own little sayings and our own little ways to tease each other, and they're unique to us. That's what I like the most, basically nothing we do is a rehash of anything I've done in other relationships, and that makes me feel like this really is special.

The language barrier is fun too. My Japanese has improved a lot, and people tell me that all the time, and I see that her English is improving too, much like that of other students I've had who date foreigners, in that her listening is way above her speaking ability, and her reactions and side comments are increasingly more natural. She helps me with little phrases, and most all of our text messages are in Japanese now, so I get practice every time we talk, and it's in writing too so if she uses any form I don't know, I can learn it and start using it right away.

One of the Mexican workers at Haggen's years and years ago during my first job once told me that the best way to learn a language is to fall in love. And though I knew there was truth to it then, I see it now every day, as I struggle successfully or otherwise to find ways to communicate exactly what I mean, be it serious or otherwise to her. She's a reason for me to grow and improve myself as a person, and though that's reason enough to be happy, everything else just makes it so wonderful.

We don't see each other all the time, and that's great. I need my space, lots of it, as I'm sure she does too. We both work a lot, and I see her maybe once a week at best. It's great, I get all the time I want to do my stuff and we come together when we have time. Perfect. We don't even talk every day, we'll go a few without texting each other and that's not the end of the world; a far cry from other ill-fated codependent relationships I've been in. I trust her completely, as I'm sure she does me, and unlike my relationship with Melissa it doesn't bother me at all that we don't spend more time together. In fact, I prefer it because, as I mentioned, I never burn out on being around her.

We've taken day trips together, and I'm always happy. In two weeks, we're going to go to Nikko for the weekend together, and I'm looking forward a great deal to our first multi-day trip together. I really like the idea of the two of us traveling together, crashing in a hotel after a long day doing stuff. Couple stuff.

It's a little scary, I'll admit, because I catch myself thinking that I'd be happy with it become more serious with time, like living together and marriage and kids and the like, and I usually put those thoughts out of my mind as quickly as possible, because I really do want to just take it slow and enjoy it for what it is. Also, I don't want to mentally consider our relationship something it isn't yet. It's not forever, not yet, regardless of if I'd be happy if it were, so I'm not going to let that kind of thing cause me stress thinking about.

If it ends, it ends, and I'll be grateful that it happened, but I don't want it to. Not any time soon, maybe not ever.

It's really strange for me to be writing about how happy I am being in a relationship, this coming from the guy who's spent the last 5 years doing everything in his power to avoid one. And it's not that I'm happy to be in a relationship, because that much is true still, I don't really want to be in a relationship. What I want is to be with her.

Nova's Fucked

2007-09-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

*NOTICE - The information contained within this entry is entirely public information. Nothing disclosed here is in any way a company secret, or something that cannot be learned from public newspaper articles and other documencts. I.e. don't fire me.*

So the buzz recently in my life is the fate of my company. Nova's hurting somethin awful, and it's getting to be almost farcical at this point.

See, there were a bunch of scandals regarding Nova not too long ago, a lot of things came to the surface about their policies that weren't exactly legit from a legal standpoint, including, but not limited to refusing to give refunds, discounting the price of points for refunds actually given, failing to provide students with vital information about their own accounts such as the number of points remaining in their contract, and creating an application system that wastes nearly all of the 7 day governmentally mandated risk free back-out period on all contractual agreements signed by customers. So, as a result, Nova was forced to pay some unGodly fine and was forbidden to sign new customers for any contract longer than 1 year for a period of six months, which, given the nature of how Nova makes its money, i.e. get the largest amount of money you possibly can up front and never, ever, ever give it back, is more or less a death blow.

This, coupled with Nova's ill-fated expansion into completely demand-devoid areas, which succeeded not in bringing in new customers but rather only in spreading existing customers around, thusly reducing any 1 branch's income significantly, more or less instantly dropped Nova into the red, big time.

Nova was additionally forced to hire 700 more teachers to compensate for the widespread complaint that students were not able to book lessons at times that were convenient to them, but, due to the unfortunate and ill-timed recent murder of a British Nova instructor, recruitment drives have failed to be as effective as I'm sure the company would wish. Additionally, scares about Nova's financial position have made taking a job with the company increasingly less attractive.

For a little while Nova could skate on their profit margins, but now that we're towards the end of that 6 month period, cockroaches can be seen, i.e. the place is infested with problems and they're becoming increasingly noticeable, nay, impossible to ignore.

This is including, but again, not limited to: branch closures. Over 200 are closing nationwide, including my own. Moraju, Tennodai, and Abiko in my area alone are closing. Branches are closing because landlords are evicting them for failing to pay rent for the last 3 or 4 months. Teachers are being evicted from their apartments because Nova hasn't paid their rent in 3 or 4 months. Teachers that have recently quit have not received their final paychecks. Current teachers, namely titled instructors, didn't get paid on time, actually, their payday was pushed back three times, accompanied by grossly insufficient apologies from Mr. Sahashi, the CEO. The Japanese staff as well have experienced similar tardiness in pay.

The worst part about the branch closures is that students are all gonna quit because of it.

And so on and so forth. If you look at the financial data, Nova's fucked. Nova reported a 4.5 billion yen loss in the las financial quarter alone, which was limited to 2.5 billion due to a liquidation of assets.

This just goes to show how incredibly poorly this, and other companies like it, have been designed and performing, but on the other hand it's a classic example of the corporate model of business. You do something to make a lot of money and then you use that money to expand yourself and make more money, and continue to do this until you literally collapse under your own weight, and then the owners embezzle the bankruptcy money and sneak away to start again.

If you want a unique but not too far off look at the future of this planet, take a look at what's happening to Nova. This is what we're doing to the planet. I think I just said it, but, for emphasis and deeper consideration, I'll repeat: Nova's fucked.

2007-09-01T04:51:00.000-07:00

So, I'm chillen right now waiting for my girlfriend to call so we can go out tonight, so I thought I'd give a little update and say what's been up lately.

I got back from my trip to Thailand on Monday evening. Thailand was alright, though I have to admit it wasn't all I had hoped it to be. That's probably because I didn't really go out of my way to have that kind of time, but who knows. There's always next time.

Thailand gave me this shady feeling the entire time like someone was constantly lying to you or trying to rip you off, and that feeling basically never went away no matter where we went. Greg and I ended up taking tours the whole time, be them organized tour kinda things or just the Tuk Tuk tour around Bangkok itself, and it was just disgusting the ways they try to extract money out of you any way they can. It just made me feel used and dirty. The Tuk Tuk drivers, as you may well know, will take you on a tour of major spots throughout the city, and you basically get them all day for 20 baht, but, they of course stop at all the knock off suit shops along the way so they can get vouchers for free gas, which of course you never see and probably don't physically exist.

We got called liars straight to our faces in 2 of these places, it was funny, but I'm glad they did it cause it saved us from the possibility of actually spending some money on a suit. You would think that if a business actually wants your money, they would kinda, I dunno, maybe NOT call you a liar in the process of bargaining, especially when truth be told we weren't lying at all. Greg got a good deal last time he was here and whenever one of us told a salesman about that deal, and how we wanted it again, they just straight said, "Impossible!" To which we of course replied, "Are you saying I'm lying to you?" To which, much to our shock and disbelief, "yes, you're lying." But it was good cause then we got to slap them with "Has it been 5 minutes yet? I don't do business with people that call me a liar but I at least want my driver to get some gas out of this waste of time."

But then, at the end of it all, our Tuk Tuk driver, after taking us to an infamous ping pong show that involves neither tables nor tennis, says to the question of how much we owe him, "whatever you want to pay me," i.e. "way way more than 20 baht please," which in reality is less than $1, so, we gave him more anyway, just cause, what the hell the guy gave us a day of his time and he was funny to shoot the shit with along the way.

Anyway, we went out to Kanchanaburi on a tour thing the next day and had a good time meeting the other people that had been taken the same way we had and chatting to them and drinking a whole lot and never actually getting their emails or anything, despite them all being from places I'd like to visit at some point. I actually was never really introduced to any of them, and I learned their names by listening in.

Anyway, off to Saizeriya with Ty to wait for Saki to call. more later.

From One Hot Place to Another

2007-08-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

So I told my boss I want a new contract, which means I'll be here another year. Another year in Japan, folks, what does that mean for David, I wonder?

Eh, who knows. I've largely given up on trying to figure out what the future holds, I only try to at least buy a plane ticket a couple months in advance so as to save a few bucks.

Speaking of which, I'm looking at plane tickets to Palau so I can go visit Buka next month, but it's kinda spur of the moment since I didn't think I was going to be able to go what with moving, but now that we know we're not moving next month I'm free to go somewhere and I think I'll try to stick with my original plan to go see Buka in Palau. Having said that though I'm looking at about $1k for my plane ticket, but, fuck it, who's counting in the long run, I'll get to go to Palau for a week and do whatever it is people do there. And, theoretically I'd have a place to stay and someone who knows what's going on so I wouldn't have to worry about anything but having fun and paying for drinks. I don't mind expensive plane tickets when everything else is essentially free. And I try my best to take people up on offers when they live in exotic places, cause, really when else are you gonna have a chance to cruise out to some odd corner of the Earth and have fun with someone you know?

Anyway, on top of that I leave for Thailand in a week or so, where I'll meet up with Greg, who's been romping around Asia for the last two weeks doing Godknowswhat. I'm really excited to hear about what he's been up to, since the email I got from him a few days ago made it seem like things are going really well and he's having a great time. So, I'm looking forward to hearing about it, and seeing how solo travel across multiple countries has changed him for the better. I seriously think that at some point we all need to get out and see the world on our own, and discover what it's like to live without a safety net. It's during those times that we discover who we really are, and what's important to us, and I think Greg's probably done that by now. I really feel good when I can get out there on my own and just see what can happen traveling, I really don't mind traveling alone at all. My time in Italy was fantastic, though I did have a friend there, I spent a lot of my time alone as well, and that really made it worth it. It was nice though to have someone else there to share my experience with, as I'm sure meeting up with me at the end of his trip will really make Greg's adventure one to remember. It's Greg's first time to do something like this, so I'm doubly excited for him.

On the home front, things are going well, I have nothing really to complain about, except that I'm kinda bored a lot of the time, and I feel like aside from the prospect of travel, my life is in something of a rut. Now, Saki alleviates a great deal of that feeling, and for that I'm deeply grateful, and it's certainly a good rut to be in, seeing as it's not a miserable, indebted, hand to mouth kind of rut, but all the same, I feel like I need to be doing more. I like to have a full schedule, as much as I hate being busy, I would at least like to have something other than a video game to occupy my time. Oh well, jogging I guess. I could be spending all this time to chisel myself into a rock hard slab of manliness, but that I guess comes down to a matter of will power. Would I really rather work out, or be lazy and bored and fat? Hmmm...sounds like a much easier choice than it is when put into words.

Alright, enough of this. Life's good, I'm gonna do some hardcore traveling, and it's extremely freaking hot out here. I hope wherever I go I have a more effective way to cool off than the Cool Salon I've got sitting next to me, which pumps mildly cool air out one side and fiendishly hot air out the other.

Speaking of Glass Ceilings

2007-08-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

I was on the train today, heading to work, and I glanced up at the ad above the door and took the time to read it during the several stops before getting off. Here's the gist of it:

It was a sign for iCute, or something along those lines, a website dedicated to helping Japanese women find jobs. And so of course they have the little progression of how it works. First you contact iCute, then they get your information and help match you to a job. Then, you gain experience, and learn new skills, which will Level Up! your competitive edge in the workplace, and then, at the apex of the iCute experience, you land the job you always wanted, as an OL, or Office Lady, which is basically the female equivalent of SalaryMan, except that OL's are secretaries to SalaryMen, and are culturally forbidden to progress higher than that or be the boss of anyone but other women. Beside the final part of the progression is a hip, attractive cartoon woman with suit pants on and a blouse that's unbuttoned from the breasts down to expose her midriff, accentuating the semi-professional, yet completely objectified and non-serious nature of this, the pinnacle of the female workforce.

So what I'm supposed to take from this is what? That the point of a woman searching for a job is to end up as a completely dead end OL, marry their boss and retire into housewifery and baby-making for the rest of their days? Well, ya, I guess, seeing as that's the way of life out here. What's worse is that the women buy it too, that's all 90% of them want anyway, so they're not complaining. What a crock. What a bunch of misogynists.

You know what the #1 sought after job in this country is for women? Flight attendant. I'm not kidding.

Things You Discover While Looking For An Apartment

2007-07-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Two snippets I found particularly amusing while reading articles online this morning:

Interestingly, there is no word in Japanese for "racism". The nearest translation is 人種差別政策 (racial discrimination policy) or 人種的偏見 (racial prejudice). But these words do not include the sense of superiority felt by real racists (like the Nazi). It is also undeniable that a lot of Japanese feel superior to their Asian neighbours, while discriminating against them. It is thus convenient for Japanese not to have the word "racism" in their vocabulary, so that no law can effectively prohibit it, and discussion about it is seriously hampered.

Sex discrimination, combined with sexual harassment, have been part of everyday life in Japanese companies. A lot has been achieved regarding sexual harassment, but glass ceilings preventing women from reaching high positions still exist in most Japanese companies.

Interestingly again, Japanese have no word for "glass ceiling", which makes it more difficult to tackle as many people do not even think about the concept.

Taken from http://www.jref.com/society/discrimination_in_japan.shtml

Bored.

2007-07-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

Today was basically just another normal day, I went to work, and now here I am, sitting at the helm typing here because there wasn't anything going on in the game I play.

A high level student and I were discussing journals/diaries in our lesson today, about how we've totally lapsed in updating things in our daily lives recently. Basically, we don't write because there's nothing to write about, because life has settled and there's really not a lot going on, or, because we're way too busy living it to actually sit down and type about it. So it's kind of an interesting quandary, that the only times I really write are when I'm bored and have nothing to say.

I look back on my old entries now and again to read what I put down, and there are some things that really wow me, but this is nothing I haven't said before.

It's kind of anticlimactic when you realize that all the hardship and struggles you endure in life all go towards ultimately being extremely bored. Like, I busted my ass and went through a lot of shit to come to Japan, and now here I am, my life is stable, I have everything I need and most of what I want, and all of a sudden there's no reason to really pay close attention to anything. And it's not like I'm going to fabricate importance in things, nor manufacture events to stimulate my life, but it really is something of a let down to finally get to a point where I've wanted to be only to be bored now that I'm here.

It just goes to show I guess that life really is about getting there, rather than being there. I've been aware most of my life now that the rewarding part of doing something is less the result than having made an effort to get there, or, if not that, then what the end result enables you to do that you couldn't before, thus enriching your life and opening doors to new opportunities.

I hate this conflict that I don't like being stressed out all the time but I hate being idle. I guess though when it comes down to it I'd rather be in controlled panic than controlled stability. for example, in this game, I just finished leveling a Priest to max level, and I find that I enjoy healing much more than I do blasting things with my Warlock, the reason being that when I'm killing shit all I have to do is pick a target and stick with it till it dies, there's occasionally some crazy stuff that goes on, but by and large it's lather, rinse repeat. But with healing, I have to divide my attention at least 5 ways, keep 5 people alive, and watch out for environmental factors what not only endanger myself but the rest of my party. With a good group it's satisfying to do a good job, but I almost like a semi-good group because then I really have to work to keep things going, and that kind of near-panic, near-failure is where the real satisfaction of playing comes from, from my point of view.

I suppose though, it's a good thing that I have this outlet for my desire to be up to my waist in panic and potential harm since there are zero real life consequences and it more or less tames me in real life so I don't go doing something profoundly stupid where it really counts.

Anyway, in other news, I have my end of contract evaluation coming up at the endof the month, I have to arrange my vacation days for my trip to Thailand asap, and I'm going to spend Saturday night with my girlfriend, which makes me happy.

This summer has not been a summer at all, I've been cold at night more often than not, the rain is weird and inconsistent, and has dragged on for a strangely long period of time. So, either it's gonna be stupidly hot when this breaks, or the entire globe is going to freeze come winter. What the heck is going on?

New Kinds of Lazy

2007-07-18T19:30:00.001-07:00

I just discovered last night that I can talk to my computer, and tell it what to do.

As in, my computer is listening to me. That's party very creepy, but a whole lot way cool.

For example, I can tell it to turn on the screensaver while I'm laying in bed and *POOF* there goes the screensaver. And in the morning I can just look over from my pillow, or not, the mic is pretty sensitive, and say, Cancel Last Command and then *POOF* screen comes back and Switch to Firefox and, you guessed it, *POOF* Firefox comes up so I can get right down to checking MySpace and Facebook, having saved what must be tens or hundreds of milliseconds that I otherwise would have used mousing around uselessly.

Can you see why this is the greatest thing ever?

If you couldn't before, let me really throw you a whammy. If, for example, I'm in need of a little gaming action, but I'm across the room changing after just having arrived home from work, worry not my friend, Open World of Warcraft and *POOF* it's ready and waiting by the time I've stripped.

Still not impressed?

Tell Me A Joke. *POOF* Knock Knock. Who's There? Avenue. Avenue Who? Avenue heard these jokes before?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. My compie is so funny. It's got such personality, I can't believe I've ignored it all this time. All this time I spent calling girls back, and I could have been hamming it up with compie here.

Disgusted

2007-07-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, like I said, I went to take a jog, and when I got back, I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water.

So I grab a glass, one of the little ones that Ty uses to drink his milk with ice that he always has, and fill it up. And as I'm thinking about this, I happen to glimpse over towards the stove/garbage can/scratching post area, where something has caught my eye.

On first glance, I think to myself, "ah, Dave cooked dinner last night and used his tempura flakes, probably made shrimp or something." But then I think, "God, that's pretty messy of him to get that stuff all over the place, maybe the stuff went bad and he had to throw it all out, and got it everywhere pouring it out." But then I think, "man, that stuff is everywhere."

So I put it out of my mind while I enjoy my glass of not really satisfying, tepid tapwater, but then the thought creeps back into my head again, and I glance over again over the rim of the glass to reinspect whatever all those tiny little white pieces of something are, and the fleeting thought skitters through my mind, "God I hope those aren't moving."

But they were. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of tiny somethings moving.
Larva.

I'm not the wretching type, but that moment would have been a good time to start. But instead, the calm rage that gets me through crisis took over and I set about disposing of the garbage, fucking maggots and all, crawling on my hands as I tie off the bag and haul it to the garbage area to sit next to a bag of kitty litter. I placed the garbage can and this random bucket we have under the table we keep our rice cooker on into the shower, and sprayed them and the whole kitchen area with bleach, took a deep breath (in my room, so as to avoid inhaling the reeking bleach-inundated kitchen and shower) and cleaned.

The thing of it is I don't produce food waste. I mean, as much as the guys tease me about always buying my dinners, and not really cooking all that much, well, I do actually cook, but I never produce waste. Ty on the other hand produces 90% of the food waste in the house, and so my blame-seeking mechanism has set its sights on him. I know, however, that, however much I might wanna blame him it's really just shit luck, and bad form on all of our part not really adapting to this climate. So, we're gonna need a new system for disposing of our food waste such that this never happens again.

The funny thing though is that just two days ago I was in a lesson and I talked with three women for like 20 minutes, I did a whole lesson, on giving me advice about how to get rid of all the damn fruit flies that live in the kitchen.

The Week In Review

2007-07-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

Life's been pretty normal lately, oddly enough, but here are some funny things that have happened lately.

Last Saturday I went out for dinner in Roppongi with Dave and Andy to eat duck at this Chinese restaurant Dave knows. The duck was good, and the restaurant was funny because it was styrofoam breasts and asses all over the walls, subtly painted the same color as the brick so you didn't really notice until you took a closer look around. After dinner we went to The Heartlands, my least favorite elitist yubby snob bar ever, where we met up with Kieran and Ty and thusly began our allnighter. Just to kick it off right, I ran and jumped on Kieran while he was making some booty call or other to one of the hundreds of girls he sleeps with that isn't his fiance, and he just crumbled and fell instantly. Andy and I got stuck in Muse without the rest of us because they wouldn't let Ty in with his sandals on, so Dave went with him to Motown and a few other bars while Kieran of course, hopped in a taxi and spent 6000yen going for a lay.

I finally met back up with Ty and Dave after Andy took me to a bar that was closed to meet up with someone, who turned out to be the girl Ty used to be sleeping with, Naoe. He didn't realize that I know her, like, somehow it isn't public knowledge that Ty Dave and I all live together. What I guess I don't understand is why go to her, I mean, she's not really the super hottest girl, and she's pretty dumb to boot, not to mention the ration of vowels to consonants in her name is just absurd. Hi, my name is 75% vowels. Nice to meet you.

So around 5am I decided to catch first train back, said goodbye to the guys after meeting back up with them and going to some bar populated entirely by Filipinas and being generally sick of being awake.

The next day I met up with Greg and Saki to go bowling, and of course I was beat to shit tired and so my head was all messed up and it took me until late in the evening to really get myself back to normal. Greg needed some cash for the train, so he rode his bike from Minami Moriya to Toride so I could meet him and hand him off some money over the ticket gate. Saki came back to my place after bowling to watch more of Anchorman with me, and we got about another third of the movie finished before saying screw it and retiring to my room for related activities. I really like this girl.

Monday I had my Japanese lesson with Mayumi, where basically we just reviewed what I had gone over in my book over the previous two weeks, so I can't say I really learned much. But, I promised I would keep my ears open for things I wanted to be able to say, so, hopefully I'll start to be able to take greater value from them soon.

Tuesday after work Rich and Allen and I went to Saizeriya after work to meet up with a bunch of our students for Allen's farewell party. He finally got a new job working in design as he always wanted to, and that's a good step for him, as I think he reached 30 and suddenly realized he's living in Japan with no wife and no real job, and kinda went into panic mode. I think his girlfriend was thinking the same thing so they're probably gonna get married and this is that new more serious job that will somehow make him feel like his life is more meaningful and/or successful, so, good for him. After eating we went to karaoke at the new joint by our work and it was really fun. Youichi really belted it out, and Karin, wow, what an amazingly soft voice when she sings. Rich and my taxi fare was 4600 yen, but thankfully Youichi gave us a voucher from his company for a free taxi ride, so we didn't have to pay a thing. Nice deal.

Wednesday I went out for Yakiniku with Kieran Dave Ty Ethan and Andy, and it was deeelicious. And, we got to make fun of Kieran and Andy for their antics Saturday night. I didn't stick around for long after we went back to The Hub after dinner, I wanted to catch last train, but it was a good night. Fun with the guys. As we know, that's rare for me, I've never really been a "one of the guys" kinda guy.

I got called in to work an hour of overtime yesterday and to work in Kashiwa instead because Juan called in sick to work, and, an hour later, so did Hannah, so they were 2 people short. Not only that but Jeremy went to Moraju on accident and was late for his first lesson, so there was this generalized panic in the staff room for most of the day, which I managed to avoid by just tuning out the universe for the most part. And then, to top it all off, to help they called in Dara, Kashiwa's old AT, to teach a few lessons, who's now an Area Manager for a different block and is the creepiest, sleaziest, shadiest guy imaginable. So, more tuning out the universe.

The rainy season is in full swing, and by swing I mean it's swelteringly hot and humid one day and dreary, cold and rainy the next, sometimes both in the same day. It's one thing to live with a bipolar, but to have the weather need mood stabilizers is an entirely different story. Today it's party cloudy and neither hot nor cold, so I'm gonna go jogging and we'll see how it all works out. Peace.

Whoops! Kinda forgot to write.

2007-06-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written anything in here, lots has happened, including a trip to Korea amongst other things.

I don't want to just skip everything that happened, but it would be a lot of work to catch it all up, and so alas, those parts will simply have to be committed to traditional memory.

I went to Fujikyu Highlands with Saki on Sunday, our first kinda couple type things, and we had a really nice time. On the trip out there we played car games, some in English some in Japanese, and that's cool because I get to learn new words and practice Japanese and have fun with this girl I like. I managed to get her to go on all the major rollercoasters, which was really good seeing as she's scared of them. I didn't think I was going to be able to. She came over last night too, and we watched part of Anchorman with the English subtitles on, and stopped to rewind and review scenes so she could learn and understand what was going on. It was funny to watch her go from not understanding, to learning line by line, then watching again and laughing after finally getting it, only to realize, wait, this is really stupid humor, and laughing again. We got about a third of the way through the movie before it degenerated into making out on the couch, but, whatever. That just means we can to that two more times before we actually finish the movie. I'm fine with that.

I've pretty much decided at this point that I'm going to stay here for at least another year. didn't think it was going to work out that way, but, as I live here longer, I really do find it hard to think of a reason why I would want to leave. My dad keeps emailing me telling me there's really nothing to come back to, and when I think about it, there really is a lot more for me here, at least in terms of potential for growth and the acquisition of life skills, such as language proficiency and living out on my own. I think though that I will start searching for another job immediately upon renewing my contract, and I think, though it shocks me to hear myself say it, I'm going to apply for a three year visa instead of a one.

I finished one of James Clavelle's novels, GaiJin, a couple weeks ago, 1600 pages of good book, only to pick up Understanding Power, by Noam Chomksy directly afterwards, and reading it really has started to change my perspective on a lot of things. More than that though, it's just made me really pissed off that I happen to live in a world where the stuff that's being talked about really is true, and goes on, and is the basis for the reality we see. I struggle constantly with this desire I have internally to change the world around me for the better, to really do something to set things on a better course and the desire I have to be happy and comfortable and successful in something. Not that those two should necessarily have to conflict, but, where the conflict lies is in choosing between buying into a system that, as a white American guy, happens to work more in my favor than most, and choosing to struggle against that system for something that I believe is better for all people. I want very much in my life to accomplish something monumental, and for all people tell me that growing up, being successful and raising a family IS monumental, I can't help feeling like that's a copout, and that people are just trying to console themselves for not having really done something to make a difference.

For example, my life here is comfortable, I could theoretically continue down this path forever, eventually get married, have kids, and dedicate my life to the happiness and future of my children. This would be a success in the eyes of most all people, as for most all people this is all life ever really amounts to. But for me, I dunno, I've never felt like that was good enough. I've never really felt like it's good enough simply to maintain the status quo and simply do what everyone has ever done. Par isn't worth shooting for. But every day that goes by that I feel like I have accomplished nothing towards something monumental, I feel like I am wasting something precious, yet at the same time I don't know what else I would be doing.

I suppose that's a product of being raised in a reality that teaches people that individuals are powerless, and I suppose that means that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life fighting against what has been ingrained in me since birth. Then the question becomes, if I choose to spend my life attempting to change those things I recognize as wrong in the world, will it work? Will it happen? And the selfish, shortsighted part of me that unfortunately rules over so many of my decisions says, will it happen within my lifetime, and if it doesn't, is it really all that important? Will it even matter to have started to do if you never see the end of it in your own lifetime? And it's not that I think I have to see the end of it so that I can see the benefits, it's more that if I don't see it through to the end, I basically have no faith that it will end the way I wanted it to. But then again, who's to say that what I want is really what's best? In my opinion though, I've discovered that there is no ideal that will not eventually be corrupted or twisted by the self interests of others, and as such if I'm not around to see that it works out how I originally intended, I pretty much have to assume that as soon as I'm not looking it'll fall apart and fade away like nothing ever happened.

I have this feeling all the time like fighting to change things in the world is always a losing battle, that as soon as I stop fighting, or as soon as the momentum of the movement starts to wane, that people by default will go back to whatever is the most comfortable, whatever is the easiest on them, and unfortunately, living in a system of highly focused power takes so much thinking out of the lives of everyday people that I feel like they will naturally gravitate towards it, because until things are completely even for all people, we're all going to feel like it's just too much work to keep struggling towards an ideal. I see this all the time, especially with my parent's generation, that fought so hard to change the world around them, protested, stood up for themselves, and changed things, only to get older, lose momentum, and watch whatever chance they had to make real progress slip away as one by one people decided it's just easier to let go and fall in line with what's being manufactured for us by those who want our minds to stop trying so hard. And now, once again, we have kids growing up in a world where they feel powerless to do anything, and what's worse is they have the near success and thusly crushing failure of their parents to follow through weighing down on them as an example of just how much if you really try how little really changes in the end, when you get old and tired of fighting all the time. It keeps me up at night thinking that someday the drive I have in me might fade like that.

But alas, I digress. Anyway, life is good here, for the time being. Work's ok, I'm having fun, and I'm starting to see some results from all that jogging I've been doing, or at least in my head I think I'm doing better. Who knows. That's all for now.

Cure for Cancer

2007-05-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

http://media.www.studentprintz.com/media/storage/paper974/news/2007/01/23/Opinion/Scientists.Cure.Cancer.But.No.One.Takes.Notice-2667600.shtml

This site for the actual university research group is here:
http://www.depmed.ualberta.ca/dca/

Apparently DCA, dichloroacetate, is the cure for cancer. It attacks the metabolic processes that are unique to cancer cells, which use glycolysis instead of cells' normal mitochondrial energy mechanism. The University of Alberta discovered this, rather than, I dunno, Pfizer, so therefore no one's paying any attention.

Because pharmaceutical companies aren't developing DCA, as it's not patented, consumers aren't going to see it unless people do something about it. Drug companies won't profit from curing cancer, how wonderful.

This university needs help/funding/publicity to push this medicine into the forefront of the medical community and into our homes. Drug companies aren't helping them in any way since it would cost pennies to make this medicine.

DO Something about this! Read these, and, much as I hate saying it, Tell everyone you know! This is something genuinely important, and worth asking you to spread.

I'm aware of information available to the public which also states that DCA is not ready for therapeutic use at this stage, that there have been some issues in previous trials. As I see it, this information is being presented as a safety precaution and I support research which would help underline any dangers associated with this treatment. All the same, it's still a call to do the necessary research and get this product available to people who need it.

Thx.
~David~

FYI

2007-05-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

I have the worst blueballs right now I think I may have ever had.

Choices

2007-05-13T04:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to Korea next weekend, but I haven't heard back from Sinhae in a couple of weeks, even after I sent her my intinerary and everything, and that worries me a little. I know things will be fine, I know she'll write me back, but of course now I have all these thoughts going through my head of having to leave without having heard from her, and trying to find a hotel and get things done all on my own the whole time, which would be possible, admittedly, but entirely unpleasant, and would probably more or less ruin the first day of my trip.

Things will work out though, I know they will, they always do, so when it comes down to it I'm not really worried.

I seem to have slacked on planning my trip for June, so it looks like I might be cancelling my proposed trip to Vietnam, I'd be going by myself anyway, in favor of planning something else, maybe a trip to Okinawa, which would just be a matter of finding someone to go with and booking it as soon as possible. I suppose I ought to get on that now. I'm sure I could talk Ty into going, he's always down for a sunny, drunken beach adventure.

Tonight I have the option of going to Tokyo, to Ebisu, to go to Rebecca's going away party, but, much like Ty, I just can't be fucked going all the way to Tokyo for something I'm not going to stay out all night for. And I certainly don't want to stay out all night for much anything anymore, the old fart that I've become. I just seriously hate going out all night, it's a miserable experience for me every time, I rarely enjoy myself, and more often than not, I end up either being really quiet, or getting drunk and being stupid, or as stupid as I really get when I drink.

My other option is to go to Teganuma Lake in Abiko for Christian's lake party, which might be fun, but might not. At least then I can bail if I want to, but, lol, my main concern is a lack of, how should I put it, fun possibilities, i.e. cute girls. There seems to be a marked lack of them lately. But, not that that should concern, me, seeing as Monday night I'm getting to get with Saki for what will be our...5th date now? First was dinner and pool, then bowling, then here to look at pics, then here to finish Howl, so ya, 5th. We'll see how that goes, I guess.

Anyway, the problem is here that I'm just tired, and can't be bothered making the effort to do much of anything much less actually get ready and go out tonight. So, eh. I'm just being lazy. I need to go do something. More later.

Footprints

2007-05-02T05:28:00.000-07:00

I went a little nuts today and cleaned again. This morning, before I went to work, I was brushing my teeth and I just kinda grabbed the scrubber and went to town on the sink. The whole time I was thinking, "I'm doing this, but I know it's not the end of it."

After I got off work today, I went to the grocery store and spent about 10 minutes, perusing the cleaning aisle, and eventually purchased some ridiculous cleaning spray, a steel wool scrubber/sponge, a large scrubber-on-a-stick type thing, and a new laundry rack thing for my clothes, seeing as the old one is in complete disrepair, missing several clips, and the hanger has long since broken, forcing me to use to hangers to ingeniously suspend it from the bar or wherever. Oh, and a new light bulb for the light over the kitchen sink, which has been burnt out for the last, I dunno, three months or so.

So, I got home, changed the bulb, marvelled at the brightness that filled the cooking area, and started taking apart the toilet/bathroom to give it a thorough scrub down. I busted out some hard core scrubbing, and, to my satisfaction, it turned out ok. Some of what was there was, how should I say, something akin to a stelagmite, crystaline in nature and more or less molecularly fused with the seat itself, but I did the best I could.

I think what triggered it this time around was noticing the footprint in the bathroom. There should never be a footprint in the bathroom.

Soup Is Delicious

2007-05-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

That's about all I have to say about that.

I mean, I could go on about how filling and warm and enjoyable it is, but, we all already know that, don't we? I hardly need to explain the satisfaction of a hot bowl of soup to you, the reader, or myself: it goes without saying.

So instead I leave you with this: if given the choice between a hot bowl of the soup of your choice, at a time and place of your choosing, or its equivalent monetary value, which would you choose?

Soup I say. Soup.

I Need a Hobby

2007-04-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

I just had one of those moments, certainly neither the first nor last, where I sat here at the helm and went back and forth between my usual sets of websites, looking for something new, where I knew there would be nothing. I click through MySpace, Facebook, Christy's journal, and The Superficial basically every time I sit down at the computer, and tonight, around 8pm I just got so thoroughly bored playing games that I just flipped through each of them over and over knowing full well there would be nothing new.

Damned internet's turning into the fridge, where I do the same thing, going into the kitchen, opening the fridge, opening my cupboard, looking around, and knowing the whole time there's nothing in there to eat, or that I feel like cooking.

What's with that? I need more to do.

Kyoto

2007-04-24T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Kyoto. I'm pretty much exhausted. I haven't walked that much since Italy, I don't think. I stink. I feel bad for the guy who had to sit next to me on the bus ride home, if not because I had my shoes off then because I had to keep throwing my legs up in the air to stretch my knees out, which for the record hurt like a motherfucker. But it's OK because he straight up farted in his sleep. Probably to get back at me.

I took 200 photos, used all three of my memory cards, and would have taken more had I had space. I visited 17 shrines/temples/famous sights, spoke a good deal of Japanese, met an olympic gold medalist (2002 women's skeleton) at my hostel, and got mobbedd by hordes of Japanese elementary school students, and overall had a pretty nice time.

It was drizzly the first day, cloudy the next, and sunny and gorgeous the last, so all in all it was decent weather. I'm glad it was how it was and not reversed. The weather couldn't have been better for all the hiking I did yesterday.

I saw almost everything I wanted to see, the notable exception being Saiho-ji, or Kokedera, the Moss Garden, which you need to have made a reservation for by mail in advance, which I blanked on and have only myself to blame for. Was it worth all the effort? Yes. Was it more or less expensive than I thought? About what I figured. Whole trip total cost me about 39,500 yen.

On my big list of things do in in life, I can now check off Kyoto as done. I still wanna see Kokedera, but, I'll live if I don't. The picture I took of Kyoto from the Shinkansen platform in 2003 has finally come full circle. I should have known then it was To-ji, but now I have pics standing in front of it, instead of admiring it from a distance. Go me.

Was I lonely? Not really.

Of Course It's Full

2007-04-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

What's new? Hmm. Ok, so, I sent in my tax stuff, now that's taken care of. Woot.

I've been hungover for like a week now, due to a party at Christian's place, then Sammy showing back up in town for a night or two, going out with her and a group two nights in a row, then pulling an all nighter on Saturday night in Mito after Bryan, Richard and Nathan's show, then getting no real sleep and going on a date with Saki Sunday night.

Oh, yea, I went on a date with Saki. We met up in Kashiwa and I took her to Bora Bora for dinner, but come to discover that there was a wedding party going on, just my luck, so we played pool instead, which I would have wanted to do anyway, and talked and enjoyed playing pool. I ended up giving her some pointers since she, like most girls, doesn't really play pool. Funny how even outside of work once you've established a teacher/student type of relationship how it kind of permeates whatever you end up doing together.
Anyway, after we played pool for a few hours we decided to go grab something to eat, so I took her to my favorite Korean restaurant which was, of course, completely full, so we wound up going to Wara Wara instead. Which was fine, really, we just wanted to do some drinking and eat something and talk some more. We had some good conversation, joked around a lot, and tried to work our way through the language barrier as best we could.
It's a lot easier to communicate with someone who's level 6 when you can just speak Japanese when you need to.
I didn't end up getting home until 1:30am or so from a 7pm date, so that much was a success, neither of us really wanted to go home any earlier than we had to. Except that when I got home I realized that I had to be at work in Kashiwa at 10:50 the next morning and I knew that was gonna suck.

It wasn't as bad as I thought though, work. I just had a throbbing headache most of the day. Mayumi, the ever sarcastic level 2 who I love so much, gave me her card and asked me if I wanted to take Japanese lessons from her, which I do. So, I'll give her a call and see what I can do about starting to study Japanese again finally, and hopefully get better.

K, off to work. Just wanted to say I went out on a date really, and hopefully there will be more of these entries to come. Cool.

Wewt

2007-04-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from SinHae confirming that I can stay at her place while I'm in Seoul next month. Sweet. That totally saves me from having to find a hotel, or worry about I dunno, 75% of the things I would have to worry about while travelling overseas. Now I just have to worry about arranging my days off.

Actually, speaking of which I still need to arrange my days off for my trip to Kyoto this month, and I have to do it fast because my only days I can swap are my next weekend, so I have to arrange that pronto. I picked up my return bus ticket the other day too, so everything's all set for that trip. I just need to do some more research about where I wanna go, and perhaps start calling places to reserve spots to come. Many of the gardens in Kyoto you must first call to see if there will be open spots. Interesting.

I picked up three days of O.T. this month, since I don't have to do a ton of swaps, but I made sure to leave my Sundays open because, well, they're better than Mondays to have off, and it makes my O.T. much later in the day, as opposed to 10:50am which I hate doing. I signed up for it as soon as it came out, because I knew if I didn't do it then I would never sign up for it, but I knew when I did it that I would of course hate myself for it, and here I am, Monday morning, getting ready to go to work, and I'm hating myself.

It's not that I really would have done much with this day off, it just seems like I am forever going to work. And the money I'll make never seems like that much. I get paid, I pay my bills, and I try to conserve money as best I can for the rest of the month. At the end of the month, I rarely have anything left over regardless of if I worked O.T., so it feels like I'm no better off for having done it. But I know that's not true. I need every penny I can earn this year with all my travel, and when I am in Seoul I will appreciate having worked the extra hours, because the three days will pay me more twice as much as my plane ticket over there, perhaps even the entire trip, if I spend wisely and don't get robbed.

ACK! Hey look, another entry about finances. What were the odds? Ugh. Anyway, it's a halfway decent day out, overcast, neither warm nor cold. Hopefully today will go by quickly.

Spring Cleaning

2007-03-31T19:24:00.000-07:00

I just cleaned the everliving shit out of the kitchen and dining room. I cleaned things I think have never been cleaned. It took me the better part of 2 hours, but it's not even noon now and I'm pretty much finished, so it feels good that I got something that significant done with so much left in the day. I might cruise out to Ueno to check out the cherry blossoms if I can be bothered getting dressed and heading out there, or if I don't get sucked in to cleaning more of the house.

Cleaning is infectious to me, once I start in on something, I can't just leave some parts undone. Cleaning one thing highlights all the rest of the stuff that's filthy, so I just kinda end up doing everything. Cleaning the kitchen made me look at my room, which was ransacked and sterilized not even a week ago and think how dirty it's getting, I suppose I'll be doing some straightening of that later too.

The weather today is fantastic, it's sunny and warm, and I can feel that spring is really here, summer and the oppressive heat isn't too far off if this kind of day keeps up. After all these cold nights, it's weird, I know my body is adjusted to it, even though in my mind I can't wait for it to be stupid hot all the time. Right now, this weather, exactly how it is, I think is the perfect weather. I can leave all the windows and doors open, I don't have to adjust my clothes at all, and there aren't 8,000,000,000 insects trying to make homes of every nook and cranny and square inch of open air.

Having the house to myself like this, I should be having company. It would be the perfect time to housebreak a girl, if on there were, ya know, a girl for me to housebreak. Saki's waiting for me to make a move, that much is clear, and now that she's moved back to Kashiwa, well, I think it's time for me to just man up and do something about it. That'll be fun.

K, I gotta call Jenn and finish cleaning.

Hershel, David, and a House Full of Love

2007-03-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to the sun beating down on me through the sliding glass doors of my room. Of the three nights I've slept in my bed since rearranging my furniture this has happened twice. The time was around 6:40am.

It's not that I don't like being woken up by the sun, the same thing happened when I had everything set up how it was before, but I more or less moved my pillow to the exact location where the sun first enters my room after cresting the rooftops of the surrounding buildings. There's no real way to avoid it, shy of closing my blinds, which I'm reluctant to do because I do, in fact, rely on the sun to wake me up.

This morning, however, I wasn't so thrilled to be woken up so early. I wanted to sleep for as long as I could. Last night was yet another, and hopefully the last, night of drinking in a streak of occasions that spanned about 5 days. My body is somewhat less than amused, and is doing what it can to exact some sort of revenge, or at least recovery.

Saturday night was Natascha and Sammy's official going-away party, where the students would have a chance to say goodbye to them and wish them well. Much drinking was called for, schmoozing and practicing of Japanese was frequent and sloppily done. Karaoke came later, but after about 2am I had to catch a cab home, due to a shift swap with Allen that put me at work the next morning at 10:50am. Needless to say I was tired the next day, and popped a Genki Drink as soon as I got to work.

Genki Drinks would be the focus of that day, as I had two at work, and at least another 3 later that night in an attempt to keep it going longer than my body was really prepared for. After work I went home, changed clothes and went to Moriya to Greg's house to meet up with Pam Pam Pam who flew all the way out here for a visit. It was really nice seeing her again. We all, of course, went out for sushi, and then went back to Greg's house for a long night of drinking. Long as in, say, 4am by the time the energy drinks were no longer doing anything whatsoever to keep me awake and we all crashed shortly afterward. Catching up with Pam was nice, she had a lot of really nice things to say to me, mostly about how much she was amazed to see me actually happy, and content with my life, something which I admit, in her time knowing me, she's basically never seen.

Pam and I go back about 7 years now, so she's had a lot of experience with me, and saw me at a lot of different phases in my life, none of which, come to think of it, really involve me being true to myself or having healthy relationships with people. A lot of it involved her and I at some point butting heads, and eventually pushing each other away. So when she told me that it was a shock to her to see me how I am now, "Dave, you look really good now", lalala etc, I knew there had to be some truth to it. But really I don't ever think about it anymore, because the life I left behind when I came here is more or less dead to me, it's a memory that exists only when it's brought up. I've separated myself from it, so hearing her bring up the reasons she and I had a falling out came as a surprise to me, because it had been so long since I had considered it, or it was of importance.

Monday I had the day off, but my bike got impounded, so I stayed home after returning home and tore my room entirely apart, took everything out, cleaned, threw stuff away, sorted things, and did my laundry. Hangover days are good for cleaning, I find, because you can just go into complete zombie-autopilot and get a lot done without realizing you've been working. Not only that but you get it done a lot more thoroughly, or at least I do. When I'm good and hungover, I clean meticulously, and I'm willing to throw things away that I could reason keeping otherwise, and would, since I'm a packrat. Too many years playing video games where every item with which you could interact or add to your inventory had a use in advancing the plot. I took the opportunity to rearrange my furniture, something that I find really difficult, as I always try to find the optimum configuration for things whenver I do it the first time.

Rearranging one's room is quite the task, because it completely changes your concept of a place, and a place as personal as your room affects your concept of reality, that whole Feng Shui thing. So this cleared out room I'm in, freshly cleaned and rearranged, makes me feel like I'm in a new place, it's warmer, brighter, and I've centralized my bed, a typically feminine thing, which has put my head, as I mentioned, directly in the path of the early morning sun. But the room feels cleaner, clearer, and bigger than it did before. I attribute it to the cleaning more than anything else. As one accumulates garbage, trinkets, and scraps of paper that eventually clutter up the surfaces of a room, I feel like they suck the light out of a place, make it darker, saturated with the essence of everyday life, and slowly becomes more a lair than a room. In this way cleaning and rearranging renews a place, and breathes life into a place that has become stagnant no matter how long you leave the windows open.

Tuesday after work I went to a houseparty at Christian's place, where we all drank and mingled, and a couple of the J-Staff came so it was alright. Bryan, Ty, Steve, Natascha and I all had to catch last train so we left before 1am, and Ty Tascha and I cought a taxi from Kita Kogane. When we got back to our place, Ty said goobye to Natascha, and on the way into the apartment, Ty and I had one of those odd, surreal conversations about how that was the last time Ty would probably ever see Natascha ever again.

Wednesday after work was Natascha's actual, chill, small group going away party at Bora Bora in Kashiwa. I gave her her gifts, signed her and Sammy's books, and didn't really talk to either of them that much. I talked to Anna and Jenny more than anyone else, but this I'm ok with because I wanted her to go and talk to as many people as she could and be happy and all that. I know that we'll all see each other again when I return to America, so it's not a big deal, and though it may be a while, maybe a few years, it's not goodbye. There were a lot of people there that she may never see again, and I figured it would be best just to leave her to say goodbye to those people rather than wonder why she's not paying any attention to the group of us at our table. Eventually, the time came to say goodbye, and we hugged, said a few words about how it's not really goodbye, and I made my way home via taxi with Charlie, drunken Jenny, Anna myself and....one other person. Lol...one other person, who I can't recall. Oh, Alan, I think. Yea, Alan.

So, yea, lots of drinking. The reason for the title of this entry is that Thursday morning my roommates left to go to Thailand, so I have the place to myself. It feels very lonely, just Hershal and me being here for a week. The love/hate relationship between me and my cat is the bit about it being a house full of love. As in, I chase my cat around all day trying to get him to stop doing things. But I still love him. That sorta thing.

Temporary Post Title 1

2007-03-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so leet it hurts. Actually I'm a huge nerd, but whatever. Rasi(the rogue) took this of my character the other night, must have been right after our failed Black Morass runs.

Anyway, in other news, my bike got stolen last night.

RIP "The Death Trap"

Unimpressed

2007-03-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

I keep reading books about people growing up, finding partners, having families, growing old and dying. I keep seeing it in movies, and so many other places, and it's no wonder really, it's just about everyone's life.

I've always known I want to be a father, but, as time goes on and as I continue to be single, with no real prospect or hope of that changing, I must remark on my feelings on the matter. See, as far as I'm concerned, one's life ends after childbirth. After that, one must become mom or dad, and who you were prior to that more or less ceases to exist, and is replaced by a benevolent will that seeks only to ensure the success and well-being of one's offspring. In that respect, I also feel that one must accomplish in life all those things that one truly wants prior to childbearing, which frankly, for me, is a lot, albeit poorly defined.

I think part of the reason I'm so relationship averse is that this eventual relinquishment of self for the benefit of one's children is the most concrete and real proof of one's mortality, something which I continue, even at 24, to be reluctant to admit. I'm not ready to accept that I'm going to grow old and die, no matter what I do or think, and I'm certainly not ready for my life as I know it to be over, though what I stand to gain by remaining single really doesn't seem that profitable at the rate and direction I'm going.

There are just so so so many things that I want to do with my life, and I feel like getting married and starting a family is giving up on my hope that there is something greater in this life for me than to doom myself to death. Maybe this is the juvenile part of my ego talking, the selfish part of me that wants to keep on living no matter what, but this frustrates me, because biologically speaking, it seems as if my desire to stay alive is far greater than my desire to reproduce, which would be the ultimate biological purpose of our being here.

Having said that though, my previous entry is about how absurdly bored I am, so it's kind of contradictory for me to moan about not wanting to give up this life I have for myself while at the same time complain about not having anything meaningful to do. But it's how I feel, and I have a right to those feelings.

Again, it all comes back to this feeling I have in my gut like if I settle down, so to speak, that I'm giving up on my dreams. Somehow, for me, being in a relationship, getting married, all that jazz, represents an admission on my part that there's nothing else out there and that I should just be content to grow old and die without putting up a fight, the whole, having kids is taking a stand against the inevitability of death thing aside. In terms of allele frequencies, that argument is all well and good, but my consciousness doesn't rest in my alleles, it rests, I dunno, wherever it is consciousness rests, and that part of me will die with my phenome.

Which leads me to the whole, soul/life after death thing, that I still have a hard time with. If I have an immortal soul, what part of me is it exactly that endures past death? If I were to subtract from me all those things in my personality that have changed since I was born, and will have changed by the time I die, and leave me with the essence of all that has remained constant, what exactly is that? Is it enough to constitute an entity in and of itself, such that I would, after death, remain aware and capable of experiencing some sort of reality? If I knew there was something else, I would willingly participate in the cycle that nature has set up for me, I'd think of it as an enjoyable experience worthy of participating in, and jump right in, but instead, we are born into a reality that provides no such assurance, and forces us to chose to live a life according to mere speculation, at the end of which none but ourselves ever get the answer, should we be even lucky enough to be aware of what it is after the fact.

There are too many religions in the world to make me think that any one of them is THE right one. If any one of them really did have the answer, an answer that was bigger than life in some real way, the others would have given over long ago. But that's not the case. The fact that religion pops up wherever humanity does doesn't tell me so much anymore that they're all pieces of the same puzzle, it tells me that the search for life after death is a part of basic human nature.

In 24 years of being manifest in this reality, I've learned the rules, the limits, more or less, of what's possible and what's not. I'm slowly coming to accept that magic does not exist, will not exist, nor has it ever. It's just not phsyically possible. Not on this Earth.

Anyway, I could go on like this forever, pretty much, so I'll leave it at this: I feel like accepting reality is giving up. I feel like participating in the natural cycle of things is accepting it, and thusly giving up. I feel like the reality into which we are born sucks, it's boring, and increasingly less fascinating as time goes by. There's not a lot left to discover, and that partnered with the suckiness I've discovered so far, makes me all the more reluctant to accept that this is all that's capable of being. Basically, I resent that I've been born into such a crappy, limited, painful, meaningless and, though at times entertaining, largle unimpressive world, and I'm just not willing to accept that's all there is to it, much less work to perpetuate it and thusly impose this worthless reality on others.

Boredom and Loneliness

2007-03-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. Blogging while bored is usually an excercise in futility, but it seems lately that I have a lot more free time now that, well, I've once again plateau'd in the game I play. There's really nothing I can do with an hour or so before going to bed, so I just kinda quit and have nothing to do. I hate being idle, I hate the feeling like I've got energy and time that's being used for absolutely nothing, not even to accomplish something as intangible as in-game progress.

I've got this odd, sinking feeling like my life is becoming stagnant, despite all my travel. I don't really do much outside of work, and I'm certainly not in a relationship, so, a lot of my time is spent, well, killing time. I should take studying Japanese back up, I'm sure I could learn a lot from it, but Greg has my texts, so I can't really do that.

Natascha is leaving next week. Everytime it crosses my mind it leaves me with this awful empty feeling inside, even though we're not a couple or anything, it's just to have yet another person leaving, especially one as close me as her, just resonates too much with that feeling I always get that no matter what you do in life, at the end of it you're always alone. I know a large part of that is the life I've chosen for whatever conscious or unconscious reasons, but all the same it's still a solitary life I lead.

Again I come back to my having an absurdly high threshold for what's exciting or worth doing. Hanging out with friends is fantastic and all, but what does it really accomplish? Other than strengthening a friendship, it's really not a whole lot. So you go and hang out with your friends after work. Sweet. We hung out, had a few drinks, chatted, pickled our livers or made our lungs bleed, caught up on gossip. Wow. As a highly trained monkey in space once gestured to the panic striken and overly worrisome control crew of his voyage back on Earth, "big fucking deal".

I'm going to miss Natascha a lot. She was pretty much the only person I've never minded just hanging out with. Time spent with her is time well spent, and it's going to be hard to find someone else like that, if I ever do. There aren't too many people like her out there, though I can't decide if that's good or bad. The argument goes both ways.

So anyway, I'm bored. I'm bored, and what's worse, I'm indifferent about it.

Beijing - China (Day 5)

2007-03-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

Day 5: We slept in after a rowdy night of horse races, and when we got up, decided we should cruise out to the Lama Temple, where we walked around taking pictures, and Buddha drained Sammy's camera battery cause you're not supposed to take pictures of the inside of the shrines. We ran into a couple of horny Tibetan monks, who we got our picture with. I got new camera batteries, and Sammy and Seska bought gifts for people back home.

Siggie and Alex took off that day, and so did Nathan, all hopping on trains to take them whever they were going, the Germans to Vietnam, where Alex is starting a job (apparently he speaks fluent Vietnamese as well as English and German), and Nathan to, hell, who knows. I don't even think Nathan knows.

When we got back, we went to the acrobat show, which turned out to be over already, and got to watch the Kung Fu show instead, featuring the life of Kung Fu master Kong Kong, and was pretty badass. Also, we got the best Engrish business card of all time, from Liu Yi Lin, a "World queer unique skill artist society member director". Apparently he was at the "CCTV 2003 Chinese New Year get-together - Specially invite underwrite hatch master", whatever exactly that means.

We went back to the hostel, drank, went to bed. This apparently is a highly abridged version of our day. Thus ended Day 5.

I'm An Old Fart

2007-03-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

It's official. The first time, I thought it was a simple mistake. The second time, I laughed at the irony, but now that I've gone all the way to the train station, and sat there for 15 minutes only to realize as the train is arriving that I'm missing some important item and had to go back home, basically ruining my plans, I know there's a pattern. I'm going senile. At 24.

Meh, I guess I should have seen it coming.

I left my house the other day at 12:45 to catch the 1pm train so I could go to the bank, wire home money, then go to the midori no madoguchi to buy my bus ticket to Kyoto, but, when I got there, I had missed my train by minutes, must have come at 12:58. So I waited it out, realized at the last moment that I didn't have my passbook or copy from the last time I was there to use as a template, and had to go back home. Oh well, I still had plenty of time. So I caught the next train, and got to Shin Matsudo to find out that my next train wasn't for another 15 minutes, thusly putting me in Kashiwa and thusly at the bank a whopping 20 minutes early. I waited as long as I could in the line, but people were moving monstrously slow as could have been expected, and though I did get a smile from the cute girl that works there, a smile doesn't send my money home and I had to take off to catch my bus to work for my 3:10 start.

So, since I didn't get the bank done, I figured I would stop by the midori no madoguchi after work to at least get the bus ticket part taken care of so I could at least say I got SOMETHING done that day, but when I got there, I discovered that I have to wait until the 20th to buy my ticket. The website says to make sure you get your ticket 1 month in advance, it failed to mention that you can't actually BUY the ticket until 1 month prior to your departure. So I got nothing at all done that day except for leaving the house an hour and a half early and enjoying time outside.

K. Now that alone might not be enough to convince you that I'm an old fart (the forgetting stuff constantly, in the exact same situation over and over), but this should:
I found not one, not two, but 5 or 6 completely white hairs just chillen on the left side of my hair today at work. There's no pretending, they're there. I mean, I know that I'm not a little kid anymore, but for fuck's sake, I'm only 24. I'm not supposed to have peppered hair quite yet. Dad told me I'd be going grey by 35, but this is ridiculous. It's not like I lead an entirely stressful life anymore, if anything this is the most relaxed period in my life since before we moved from Texas, so it has to be genetics at play. Yikes. I hope to God that the other genetic hair-related curse that runs in my family (male pattern baldness) doesn't kick in early as well, if at all. My cowlick's been particularly pronounced over the last few months, and I'm constantly wary of my hair thinning, which makes it all the more fun for Rie, my hairdresser, to make comments about it. Richie, my 25 year old bald friend, assures me I'm doing fine. Whatever.

I'm an old fart. I'm senile and am going grey. Sweet action. Lol.

Interlude: Travel Plans

2007-03-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break from recounting my trip to China to write about current events. In case you hadn't noticed, the dates don't line up on my entries about China, and I am in fact just writing in retrospect whenever I have a chunk of time, and it's taking me a little while to get around to writing them all out.

Anyway, in the meantime, I just booked my hostel in Kyoto for April, a whopping $40 for 2 nights. I decided I only need two nights there because I'm gonna be taking an overnight bus there, which will put me in Kyoto at 6am on Sunday, so I'll have all day then, then Monday, and check out Tuesday, but be there all day as well, taking the overnight bus back to Tokyo to arrive back in town early Wednesday morning to go to work that afternoon. That means that I only need to arrange one shift swap, and only have to endure a half day at work when I get back. I think I'll be able to manage that, even after the shit sleep one gets on a bus. I know I'm going to be tired, but whatever, I've been tired before, it can be done. Can't possibly be worse than going to work the morning after E, which I know can be done, however zombified.

I figure with three full days, and only travelling by myself, I can bust out all the stuff I want to. I mainly just wanna see the gardens that I studied when I was in college, the temples and flowers are secondary. And since I'm travelling by myself, I don't mind staying in a shithole, regardless of if it turns out to actually be one, because I'm tough like that, and all I need is to be able to get back there and be able to sleep at all whatsoever.

I knew coming into this crazy travel year that I was gonna have to do some of it alone, and I'm ok with that. There are some cases where I prefer to do it that way. It gives me a good time to reflect on things, and really appreciate it on a personal level. When I was in Italy there were days where I never spoke a words except to order food, and really, that's ok with me. You learn a lot about yourself when your entire dialogue is internal. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to know that I've navigated an experience entirely on my own.

On a related note, I've decided to clear July from my travel schedule in order to go to Thailand with Greg in August. That means I'll have a month for people to come visit me during the summer when hopefully the rain season will have ended, but that means I'm going to have to try to do both Awa Odori and Thailand in the same month. Hopefully that will work out, since I'll try not to take any vacation days in July, and just use them in August instead. This is more feasible now that I know I won't have to take any vacation days to go to Kyoto. So we'll see how that works out. I'm gonna try to get Shane out here in July, if I can get him away from his roadshow schedule.

Also, Mauro Picotto rocks my socks off.

Beijing - China (Day 4)

2007-03-08T18:43:00.000-08:00

Day 4: Our trip, to say the least, was fateful. That was the word that really epitomized our journey. Our trip to the Great Wall was made possible by a misdial on the part of the staff, who, after cancelling the trip to the Secret Wall part of the wall due to a lack of interest, called our room instead of Siggie's to ask if we wanted to do a regular, MuTianYu Wall trip. They said 2 people, and Sammy corrected with three, thusly filling the trip. So basically, we stole Siggie and Alex's place in line when they called the wrong room, and got to go with a group, maybe even got to go at all, thanks to it.

We had to wake up at 7:30 to be out the door by 8:30, and when we woke up, we were surprised to see, after several days of rain and snow, that it was perfectly cloudless and sunny outside, a perfect day. So we got in the van along with 7 other people and sat through the slowest imaginable drive out to the Wall, which involved a lot of trying to sleep, and a whole lot more weird ass Chinese talk radio. Seriously, Chinese sounds exactly like how we make fun of it. I couldn't help laughing every once in a while in between clenching my jaw shut to avoid cracking my teeth going over huge ruts and cracks in the road.

The Wall itself was awesome, aside from the peddlers there harassing us constantly to buy whatever it was they were selling. The whole trip is organized to put you right in the heart of them to encourage you to buy stuff, but knowing that coming into it made it easier to ignore. We took a chairlift up to the top of the wall from the base, and got our first real, "Here I am on The Great Wall of China" pics, which have always been a goal of mine to have. The Wall is amazing, it doesn't really occur to you until you see it winding around out of your view, and then finding it again on the horizon to either side of you continuing on, just how big that wall is. Thousands of miles of wall, just going on and on and on.

We climbed a lot of steps that day, up and down, taking pictures left and right with Sammy and Ceska's cameras since of course my batteries died moments after arriving on top of the wall, and the batteries that I had so fortuitously found on the ground the night before weren't strong enough to actually take pictures with. After finally reaching the end of the section we were on (there was a barrier preventing us from continuing to a section of wall that had no guard rail), Ceska and I of course continued further to the top of the ridge, where we were just awestruck by how amazing the view was. You can literally see everything from up there. It was hard to have to come back down. I wish I would have had a little more time to just sit up there and contemplate for a while.

But, having said that, climbing back down was fun, and once we were where the chairlift dropped us off, the best part of the whole trip began. This deserves a line of its own.

ALPINE SLIDE!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I have ever mentioned my undying love for the Alpine Slide, but ever since I was a little kid I've lived for these things. I went on a trip to Colorado with my grandparents and family once and all my brother and I did all day nonstop was ride the alpine slides. Best day ever. Anyway, this alpine slide was nothing short of fun-tastic. Best way ever to end a trip to a full fledged Wonder of the World. I came dangerously close to flying off the thing a few times due to some particularly unsafe speeds, but whatever. Alpine Slide. Alpine slide fo life!!!!!

I bought a hat, and we went back. Siggie, Alex, Nathan and we went to the duck restaurant I had scoped out the day before only to discover that it was closed already by the time we got up from our nap. We wound up going to a restaurant near the hostel which was mediocre at best, but we ordered a lot of good stuff, lots of duck, fish, noodles, etc. Good times, even though the food wasn't the best.

When we got back to the hostel, we decided just to chill in the restaurant and drink, and our drinking games got around to me leading Horse Races, which turned out to be an international smash hit. We were so involved and so rowdy, it was great. We had a lot of people playing, an drinking themselves silly, myself included. It's amazing what a little feverish narrating a la an auctioneer can do to what would otherwise be a pretty dull game. You can get a crowd worked up pretty hot that way, as was the case this time around. We met Erna and Barry, folks from Iceland and Ireland respectively, and a couple of really fun South Korean boys who the girls instantly adopted. We also drank with this guy Nathan, from America, who was just hilarious. We didn't go to be until late that night. It was Siggie's last night, so, he and Sammy got a room to themselves to they wouldn't piss off Alex anymore, which was a good call. Thus ended Day 4.

Beijing - China (Day 3)

2007-03-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

Day 3: Alex got up early and took off, and shortly afterward Ceska and I dragged ourselves from bed and decided to go to lunch by ourselves to a restaurant nearby that Alex had recommended. After locking up, going to the restaurant and ordering, it finally occured to us that Sammy had no way of getting back into the room, so I went back to the hostel to find that she had somehow gotten back into the room and was in the shower. I told Siggie to let her know that we were out to lunch and that we would be back soon.

Lunch was huge, cheap, and delicious, as was to be expected, and a little while later we made it back to the room to find Sammy curled up in bed watching TV, waiting to see if we were gonna come back so she could figure out if she was gonna have to go out on her own. She apparently got the front desk to let her into the room. Anyway, apparently she had stayed up all night and so she hadn't slept, and I guess we had some kind of miscommunication where Ceska and I thought she wanted to get some sleep, so she wouldn't be dead on her feet later that night, but she thought we were gonna wake her up before we left so she could come with us.

Anyway, Ceska and I took off to go exploring and do some shopping. First we took a rickshaw around the neighborhood which was pretty fun, and walked down our street looking at shops and the like. Then we caught a taxi out to this market we had read about, the Snack Street, but when the taxi driver dropped us off, he pointed to his watch and said 6, which I thought meant it closed at 6, where he really meant it didn't open till 6. So we walked around the markets there, did some haggling, oggled at strange food, and went into a mall thing in a surprisingly upscale commercial district, at lunch at none other than Pizza Hut, and spent some quality time getting to know each other on a somewhat more real level.

On our way back to where the taxi had dropped us off, we saw that all the street carts that were previously empty were now full of vendors selling exotic street foods as it was now after 6. We perused the available options, and before we could decide on something delicious looking enough to buy, we stumbled upon what we had been looking for all along: scorpion. It didn't take long before there was a crowd of people standing around me and Ceska as we debated whether to eat the things or not. For me, there was no question, it was only a matter of time, so I stepped up, pointed to the biggest scorpions they had and waited as he tossed them in the frier, salted them and handed them to me, hot salty and ready to go. I'm in about 50 people's vacation photo albums now, taking a bite out of a whole fried scorpion's pincer.

It's weird when you're psched out about something, you can't really imagine what something's going to be like, but afterwards you see it for what it really is and it all makes sense. Makes me wish I could see things with that kind of clarity beforehand, or at least recognize that moments later I will see it with clarity and try to embrace new and scary things with the kind of comfort that comes with experience, especially seeing as I have a broad range of unusual experiences from which to draw on. I don't know what I thought scorpion would taste like, but it was good. Crunchy of course, since you're making your way through exoskeleton, but, the meat of it tasted an awful lot like chicken (not really true, but good for comparison). It was a lot more crunch than anything else really, and the salt gave it a flavor that was more than palatable. With only a little badgering, far less than I had anticipated, I got Ceska to have a bite as well, and as soon as it was over with she saw it as well for what it was, and was over it just as fast. The centipede I ate directly afterwards was much, much worse, very bitter, and I had to buy some dumplings to get the awful taste out of my mouth. I could have tried starfish, baby shark, locust, or bull's penis, but I opted out. I have a big thing for eating things that would otherwise be able to kill me, and starfist aren't exactly known for being deadly, so it was easy to pass up, at least for me. The shark though would have been interesting.

When we got back, Sammy was in the room watching TV, and not so happy about having spent the day alone, but, meh, oh well. We milled about the hostel, had dinner, and went to bed early after confirming our spot on the tour of the Great Wall for early the next day. I crashed before midnight, while the girls stayed up talking to hostel folks, and thus ended Day 3.

Beijing - China (Day 2)

2007-03-08T04:41:00.000-08:00

Day 2: We got up early and ate breakfast at the hostel, where the food turned out to be surprisingly good, and guess what? Cheap. It was rainy that day, of course, so we set out on our first order of business, acquiring umbrellas, which were readily available just about anywhere on our little shady street of dreams.

We walked around, taking a few pictures and marvelling at what basically looked like the remnants of a bombing that was the surrounding neighborhood. I'm not kidding, there was rubble everywhere, hollowed out buildings off the main alley, filth in the roads, and huge billboards blocking their view, creating the illusion to those not looking closely enough that there aren't ruins just about everywhere around you.

Once we got out of our neigborhood though, and approached Tiananmen Square, things cleaned up a bit. Our hostel, located on the Da Zha Lan Market Street, was just south of Qianmen, the southernmost gate leading to Tianenman and The Forbidden City, so we started there and gradually walked our way forward, stopping to take pictures, and be harassed by vendors hawking postcards and the like. The square is huge, the largest public square in the world, where people come in hundreds every morning at 6am to perform Tai Chi. The weather wasn't so great, a fog surrounded most of the horizon accompanying the rain, so our pictures weren't so super fantastic, but, oh well. The buildings there were huge, and there were military officers and peacekeepers everywhere. We almost got marched over by a squad of troops passing through one of the underground tunnels that lead under the massive 12 lane road that crosses the square.

We entered one of the massive gates and walked around, and slowly worked our way down the gated road leading to The Forbidden City, which, upon long awaited arrival and much walking, was of course scaffolded and the grounds are constantly under renovation, one piece at a time. The City itself houses a great many smaller exhibits, and we got to see many cultural relics and the like before finally getting to the end of the city, ending in a rather impressive walled garden, where I was finally happy. I love the gardens most, despite my appreciation for awe-inspiringly big buildings and ancient architecture. We decided we needed something else to do after that, so we caught a taxi to the mall.

But not just any mall, the biggest mall in all of Asia. It was, needless to say, huge. We spent a good while looking for some place to have lunch among the dozens of restaurants. There was a fashion show, but the real fun was trying to get a taxi back home. One taxi straight refused us, and the other was going to as well, so we talked to the parking guard guy and tried to explain the situation, even though he didn't speak English either. Our map was getting rained on, we weren't getting closer to home, and we all were starting to go into mini freak out mode, until the parking guy finally said something to the driver, we got in, and he started driving.

Turns out why they were saying no wasn't that big a deal. See, the main street leading to our house turns into a one way at Qianmen, and so taxis hate driving down it, because it takes like 15 minutes to drive all the way back around to the main road again. So our taxi driver dropped us off at the intersection and we walked the rest of the way, which wasn't really a big deal, I just wish I understood why they were saying no the first time around, so I could have at least tried to communicate that wherever they could drop us off would be fine.

By the time we got back to the hostel it was cold out. Cold. Really really cold. Sammy was essentially soaked from the feet up thanks to non waterproof shoes and the wonders of capillary action. We got back to the hostel, took a brief nap, and then met up with Siggie and Alex, our favorite Germans, to go out to Vic's Club, mentioned both on our hostel map and in our Lonely Planet guide book. By this time, it had started snowing. Yay snow. Not that it wasn't beautiful, but, it sure was freeeeezing fucking cold. Anyway, we couldn't fit 5 in a taxi, so the three of us went out on our own with the Germans in another.

This was ridiculous. We didn't know about the one way thing at this point, so we thought the driver was going in circles, and it took forever to get to where we were going, and when we were dropped off, we had no idea where we were. The lot attendants had no idea what our map was pointing to, and we got in another taxi that drove us around the block looking for landmarks, and eventually got out right back where we were dropped off the first time, and walked to a hotel, and asked at the front desk, that put us in yet ANOTHER taxi that eventually found Vic's, which of course, was scaffolded and closed, right next to an Outback Steakhouse near Worker's Stadium. We made a mental note that having Vic's and Mix next to each other on the same map was confusing to people. Mix was across the parking lot, so we decided just to go there, hoping that the Germans would find us somehow.

We went in to Mix, which thank God spoke some English, and after dropping off our coats, discovered Siggie and Alex already inside, and we spent some time sharing stories about how ridiculous getting there was. The club itself was sweet, people juggling/spitting fire, lots of space, dance floors, and music, even though it was all hop hop, and we had a pretty good time there. Sammy puked for the first time in ages upon ages after a few too many drinks, and for the most part it was us standing around talking and eyeing the other Westerners at the club. I'll say this now, the Beijing bar scene beats Tokyo's hands down. People actually dance, and have a good time.

After we had enough, around 3:30am, we hopped in Taxis, Ceska me and Alex in one, Siggie and Sammy hooked up in the other. We got back to the hostel, and Alex crashed in our room sexiled, while Sammy and Siggie did their thing back in his room. Alex, needless to say, was not pleased. Thus ended Day 2.

Beijing - China (Day 1)

2007-03-08T04:07:00.000-08:00

*phew* Well THAT was interesting. Good, but man, wow. Yea.

Day 1: Met up in Abiko with Ceska and Sammy after my train pulled an emergency stop halfway between stations. There's always gotta be something. We made our way to the airport, and things went off pretty much without a hitch, aside from Sammy and I having to fill out our customs forms like 500 times. The flight was alright, took about 3.5 hours, and before we knew it we were touching down in none other than Beijing, China, at around 10pm.
We had to go through immigration of course, and everywhere there were huge LED signs warning people about things like, I dunno, THE PLAGUE, and how we should generally avoid exposure to dead rats, fecal matter and blood contact. We had the slowest passport control officer of all time, a new guy, and after getting China's official visa mark (a check in ballpoint pen) and a stamp, we were free to make our way around the country. When we got to the lobby I thought they were allowing people to smoke inside the airport until I realized that in fact it was smog. The air was literally hazy, even at that hour. Huh.

We met up with the driver from our hostel, who spoke not a word of English, and did a very good job of ignoring the crap out of Ceska's attempts at Chinese. We loaded up into the shoddiest van/bus thing I've been in since 1986 and embarked on the most ridiculous drive ever into downtown Beijing. The shocks on the van were long since dead, so we felt every crease and crack in the poorly kept sideroads he took to avoid the tollroad highway. Very communist. Want a good road? Pay me. Otherwise take that one we already built 50 years ago and haven't thought about since.

It was hard really to see what kind of city Beijing is, between the fog, nighttime, tiredness, and lack of orientation. All I know is that at some point we turned down the tiniest street imagineable into the shadiest neighborhood imagineable. The van finally sputtered to a stop to allow us out onto the streets of China. In front of us stood Leo Hostel, our home for the next 6 nights.

Upon entering, we were greeted by a young Chinese lady who spoke remarkably good English, but Sammy was having some fatigue-induced comprehension issues, so after paying our remaining balance plus driver's fee and key deposit, we made our way to our room, which was, in all actuality, not so bad, aside from the fact that my bed was of course too short and the heater was somewhat less than effective, and oh yea, almost forgot, the shower/toilet/sink are all in the same space with no divider, and you're not supposed to flush toilet paper down the toilet. Where, you might ask, would one then deposit, er, used toilet paper? Oh, yea, the garbage can right next to the toilet, the one without a lid, so we can look at and contemplate what we've just excreted. The room had no towels and the TV didn't work, but whatever. A room's a room and it was cheap, and such is to be expected of a youth hostel as opposed to a full fledged hotel, which we would soon come to realize would have made our experience in China far less meaningful.

A word about 'cheap'. Before we left, we each exchanged money, I traded 58000 yen and got 3400 RMB. Our room, for 6 nights was a total of 1200 RMB, which works out to about $150. In other words, it wasn't so spendy. But it took us a while to get a feel for the economy, i.e. until we left the room again and went to the lounge area and started drinking. A bin TsingTao there costs 5 RMB. $0.64. So yea. Money wasn't so much an issue.

We wanted to go out and explore a little, but everything was essentially closed down by the time we walked outside, so we spent the evening drinking at the hostel, and within a few minutes we were talking to a group of people and making friends thanks to Sammy's no shame sit down and talk approach. We met Siggie and Alex, from Germany, the most significant mentions.

We crashed out after a little while, and thus ended Day 1.

Time At Home

2007-02-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

I went to Roppongi again this morning, to the Chinese Consulate, to pick up and pay for my travel visa for my upcoming trio to Beijing. It's weird for me, even though I was too young at the time to fully appreciate it, to think that I have a Chinese visa in my American passport, something that was for a long time impossible. I'm excited for my trip though, despite the constant warnings and bowel-related horror stories I've been so warmly offered.

I worked at Nishi-Funasbashi yesterday as a swap with Christian, and apparently there was a slight problem with my swap form. See, I put Moraju Kashiwa as the branch I was working at one the swap form, which should have been no big deal because the staff check the sheet against the master schedule to make sure the information is correct before sending it off to the Area Manager for approval. Well, I guess someone didn't check it too carefully, because after it was approved, the staff opened my schedule at Moraju, despite the fact that Christian had received a help shift cover form sending him, and thusly me, to Nishi Funabashi.

So after my first lesson, I get a phone call from Cerie, and a talking to from Arno, about the 'situation', and I couldn't help laughing because, well, if there's anyone at all who's not at fault it's me. Christian should have corrected the form instead of just telling me when he signed the thing, the staff should have checked the master schedule and provided me with a cover form confirming the different location, and Cerie, my manager, should have checked with the staff to make sure everything was in order before approving it. Oh well. So she wanted to explain the situation to me, like somehow I had something to do with it having happened, and to make sure that I was in fact at that branch, and told me I should call my branch and apologize to the staff for the inconvenience of having to rearrange the schedule again three weekends in a row, which I refrained from pointing out was in no instance any fault of mine.

So after work I got a text from Natascha, and went over to her place for dinner after changing my clothes. We spent the evening together, she made dinner I brought wine, and we hung out with her roommate Chris and chatted for a long while before retiring to her room for some back rub action, which I did offer to pay her for but then I'm pretty sure I wound up giving her a far more comprehensive massage than she gave in the first place, so I'm not quite sure if that calls it even or not. Anyway, I crashed at her place, and was really happy just to stay up late listening to her talk about what's going on in her life. It seems she really needed someone to talk to about what's going on in her life/in her head, and I was happy to listen. She gave me some feedback about me, and what frustrates her about me, which I really listened to and took in stride, and I'll do my best to work on what she said, cause she has a point.

After picking up my visa today I met back up with her and we walked around taking pictures at the shrine up at the top of the hill next to my house, where one of my students, Myoshin, used to work when he was younger. We parted ways for a bit when she got a phone call, and picked up some CDs, which after she got back to my place, going to the store, buying too much food, and gorging ourselves while watching the Dave Chapelle Show, we put to good use making her some mixes. It was so relaxing just so sit next to the heater reading New Spring (I finished Knife of Dreams on the way back from Roppongi, hurry up Jordan!) while she rifled through my music library and making small talk. It felt like being home, and that's a nice feeling. She has a tendency to make me feel like I'm home. That's a rare thing, cause I don't feel at home when I'm at home, even at my parents' house.

That brings us up to speed. I'm chillen in here while Tascha's chatting Ty up in the living room. I've got three more days of work then it's off to China! I'm really excited. This is gonna be a great trip.

Haircuts and Cold

2007-02-24T21:59:00.000-08:00

Are the highlights of my day. Today was the first actually cold day we've had in a long while. After what I've come to recognize as the invariable 2 weeks of abnormally mild February weather, the real bone deep cold has set in and I felt the brunt of it today coming home from work. My freshly cut hair was radiating heat from my head like none other, so I was really feeling it. I waited outside from 12 minutes for the bus once I got to the stop, and while I could have chosen to wait it out with my hands in my pockets, I read my book instead, leading to a hightened awareness of how cold your hands can be while at the same time numb from it.

I finally got a haircut today, the first since before I visited America for Christmas, and it was much needed. There wasn't a lot I could really do with my hair anymore, and Rie cut it nice and short, which is good cause that means in two weeks it won't be unmanageable all over again. It also means my scalp gets a good chill session. Some of you may remember that at this point last year, I still had not had my first official haircut, and recalling the pictures of me from that time will at the same time remind us that I desperately needed a trim and that I was probably much warmer from it.

Anyway, the exciting thing about my haircut today was that before Ms. Highbridge (Takahasi) began she told me she had a favor to ask of me. My imagination strayed immediately to her naked on a sweaty summer night in my bed, as it often does when she's cutting my hair, but knowing that's probably not the kind of favor she meant, I prompted her to continue. As it turns out, she wanted my permission to take pictures of my haircut after we finished, for sumbission to a couple of salon magazines for modern young hairstyles as part of their highlight and ad.

Photoshy though I may be (honestly, I am, I'm not photogenic in the least), I of course said yes, cause, well, it's the closest thing to the aforementioned recurring fantasy as I figure I'm realistically gonna get. Er, that and if they really think I'm worth taking pictures of, who am I to turn them down? There's one thing I've learned over the years, and thankfully through no experience of my own: don't piss off your hairdresser. It's arguably a worse idea than pissing off your cook.

So after she got done taking the pics, I told her that I of course will want to see the photos in the magazine, and see how I can get a copy for myself, so that I can keep it forever as a brief moment of fame in my life. Who knows, maybe other gaijin will see the pics leafing through the magazine while nervously sitting, waiting for their own haircut, scared to death of what a Japanese barber might do to their precious Western hair, see my photo, gasp with the sudden realization there is hope, point to my picture, and walk away with a haircut they like. I know a great many salons in this country pride themselves on and use their ability to cut Western hair as a mark of ability and repute, and as such being probably the ONLY white person to patronize that particular establishment marked me for publicity from the very beginning, but my ego has a hard time finding anything wrong with that, even if it's only by virtue of being a normal guy in someone else's very different normal environment.

Salons I figure show off their ability to cut Western hair even marginally well for this reason: the Japanese can shop around. Westerners I imagine, however, like myself, and many immigrants held in the dreadful manacles of the language barrier around the world, will find one place that does the job well enough not to complain too much, and never ever go anywhere else ever again so long as it's possible. From the moment I got a decent haircut the first time, they I and I knew I was never going to go anywhere else again. Not only that, but they, like me, will most likely tell their friends about their safe spot, and thusly ensure business for that company for however long we stick around.

Anyway, I got my picture taken today for being white and getting my haircut. Sweet action. Clostest I'll probably ever come to being a model.

Nothing Worth Mentioning

2007-02-21T06:53:00.000-08:00

I started doing pushups again before going to bed, and after waking up, as part of my, "I hate seeing myself in mirrors" saga. As of yet I have not become the chiseled He-Man I had hoped, but remembering back to three years ago doing pushups every day for a couple months and seeing the results, I figure I probably gotta keep it up a while to really see any change.

I've been really manic lately, and I don't know if the excercise has anything to do with it. I might be that, or that I haven't had anything remotely dramatic happen to me since before I went to Hokkaido. These last few weeks have gone by in relative calm, and I think not dealing with anything emotionally taxing is freeing up all this energy I had forgotten was there to be had.

I'm in something of an introspective mood, clearly, since I'm writing in my journal, and all my paragraphs start with 'I'. My question is whether this is just who I am, or if it's a natural reaction to having very little time to really focus inwards, you know? Is this just normal or is it the balance to constantly having to deal with external factors. I'm also struck by this odd feeling like I'm just typing with nothing really to say. I feel like I ought to have something worth writing about, but once again my extremely high "this is worth talking about" threshold is probably preventing me from writing about it, either that or I really am just bored and want something to do by writing.

All my friends are pregnant. Or, at least, too many people I know are pregnant, or having babies, or something along those lines. What gives? Stop making babies people. I need a direct, brain to computer link so I can get my thoughts out without having to type, because for every thousand or so things that go through my head, one word makes it out onto my screen. *sigh* I'm putting myself to bed now.

PvP

2007-02-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

*warning* extreme dork alert

I'm frustrated cause I just started a 2vs2 arena team with Ty (in-game, not RL) and well, it's difficult. I've never been a huge pvp player so it's a challenge to say the least, and it's doubly frustrating because I need better gear, but in order to do so I have to either 1) win a whole bunch in pvp or 2) do more instance runs. But the problem with #1 is that I need better strategy AND better gear, and the strategy will only take me so far, and the problem with #2 is that everyone is busy with pvp and it's damn near impossible to do instance runs cause I can't find groups. And PUGs are basically worthless for serious instances, so I'd need guild assistance, but my guild are a bunch of slackers and they're all leveling slowly, and I can't really just ask Ty to grab his guildmates, even though they're amazing in instances and we'd wipe the floor with the mobs that way.

So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's frustrating to me, and it's frustrating to Ty, who's in there with me, losing 66% of matches right there along with me. I feel bad letting him down and all cause he's a great player, he was a Grand Marshal before the expansion, so for him to have to work with me, where I can't get a good Fear off to save our lives, makes me feel bad. I guess I just don't, I dunno, get it, the way some other players do. Or I need a better compie. Lol, but that argument can always be made. Anyway, my character and I need to suck less, but getting that done is proving increasingly difficult without the aid of qualified guild members.

Anyway, in other news I, in a moment of sheer David brilliance, signed on for some overtime today, making this a 7 day stretch at work prior to my departure for Beijing. But then again, hey, in a week and a half, I'm going to Beijing! Besides, I need to take any kind of overtime where I can, because well, there isn't any going around, and my paycheck ain't what it used to be back in the Great Overtime Summer of '06, and since switching my days off. Besides, all this travel is expensive, so any extra money in my pockets is a good thing. And overtime in Febuary is gold. 1 full day this month gives me 17,200 yen extra (~$160).

I didn't realize it till Emi was talking to me about my vacation request, but, I'm gonna have 7 days off in a row for this trip. That's pretty sweet. Additionally, she made me think that I could ask for unpaid holiday if I wanted. That leaves me with some options should I run short on Paid Holidays as the year progresses.

In other, other news I started doing pushups again cause looking at myself without a shirt on depresses me, and I still wanna know where my mega wonderful girlfriend I've been looking for is hanging out so I can hurry up and meet her. At least, I think I wanna meet her, I can't always tell. For years now I've been telling myself that I'm just gonna wait for the right person to come along, but as of yet, I haven't really had much luck. That tells me one of three things: 1) I have phenomenally bad luck, 2) I have phenomenally neurotic standards (true regardless), or 3) there's a lesson that the Universe is trying to teach me about being single that I've either yet to learn or am refusing to, and as such have not been presented with a new opportunity or have and haven't recognized it as such because of my failure to learn said lesson. Whichever it is, my body is becoming distractingly fixated on fulfilling its biological purpose, and executing a Manual Override, as Lawrence Pritchard Waterhouse puts it, is only so effective, and while with age I've become increasingly good at dealing with it and also increasingly less rabid sexually, it's still more or less a constant subconscious presence, and needs to be taken care of on some level before I lose the ability to function anywhere close to normally entirely.

K, bedtime.

Scared Shitless

2007-02-18T01:36:00.000-08:00

I think I may have just born witness to the saddest thing I've seen in years that started out funny.

I was just about to go to bed when I saw a taxi pulling up in front of the apartment. I automatically assumed it was Dave and Ty because neither were home yet and this is about the time they'd be catching last train to Shin Matsudo, and there's no way they'd ride their bikes in the rain. So I hear the drunken rowdiness from far, far away confirming my suspicions, but when the door opens, only Dave comes in. No Ty. But Dave's more than made up for the drunk. He's singing, thrashin around the place, pops his head into my room to say hi, but then, when he pops his head into his own room to get settled in, he sees what the cat has done. That is to say, he sees how many things near and around his computer the cat has knocked off. He flips out.

So he chases the cat around the house relentlessly, and the cat freaks. He hides behind the couch in the living room, but Dave continues his pursuit, throwing things at the couch and kicking it, and the cat is desperately trying to find somewhere to go. Foolishly, it runs into Dave's room where it corners itself and hides under his futon. Dave continues his assault. At this point, the cat is now hissing and growling and really going into protect mode. It's not even trying to run anymore. We decide it's time to get the cat out of his room, and so I grab my sweatshirt to try to wrap the cat up and push it out, and as I'm doing so, I realize that the cat has shit itself. It's literally scared shitless. At this point Dave catches up with my realization that this has gone way, way too far, and we both are feeling really bad, and just want to get the cat out of the room so it can calm down, but it's not going anywhere.

It's still there now, growling and not moving, we've cleared everything off the bed so he has a clear path to leave, but, I think it's going to be a while before he ventures out. It's uh....strange, to be reminded how much your pets really are animals. Dave's really done a number on him. It doesn't really make me happy at all to see the cat this way. I have a feeling this is going to end with me putting on as many layers as I can and attempting to physically extricate Hershel from the room. I hope it doesn't come to that because I like my skin intact.

Additionally, I've never seen Dave drunk like this before. I mean, I've seen him drunk, and I've seen him abusive, but it's usually verbally and misogynistic, rather than towards our cat.

This is one of those entries I'm writing not to glorify what happened in words, but rather to remember it so that I am never part or privy to anything like it again. I simply don't want to forget it happened.

Reflections and Hints of the Past

2007-02-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about how this last month I was exceptionally poor because of all the payments on travel I had to make, and I took inventory on how I feel about living this way. See, I told myself I would do whatever it took to travel as much as I could this year, including living in poverty should I have to, and this last month was a good example of doing just that.

Last month I had to start really thinking about where my money was going again, and that's probably a good thing regardless of whether I had to or not. But I went somewhere I promised myself I'd go before leaving Japan, and I learned how to snowboard, another thing I had been meaning to do for a long time. I spent time with Natascha before she leaves, which is also something very important to me. So I gained a lot, really, and all I gave up was a few all nighters, and junk dinners from the store I shouldn't really have been eating in the first place. Oh, and I get a couple one day weekends, but, being used to doing overtime, that's nothing new. So basically, no big deal.

Next month I go to Beijing, which will be a little harder to orchestrate since I have to arrange 5 days off, so what I'm thinking is that I will swap as many days as I have to, then request my vacation days for later in the month, on the days I swapped, so I can still have regular days off, and there's a better chance of getting them approved the further away from today they are. We'll see how that all works out. This month shouldn't be as bad either, since I had a lot to pay for when I came back from America, i.e. both my Hokkaido trip and my Beijing trip, rental snowboard equipment, and half of my plane ticket to Seoul. This time around I don't have any lingering trip expenses except for my travel visa and hotel, which together are about the same as my rental gear and then the other half of my plane ticket, so all in all about 60,000 yen less. I also have less money to work with thanks to no overtime, but meh.

I've got about 98,000 yen to throw around this month after all is said and done, for food, fun, and shopping in Beijing, which I understand will be pretty cheap. If I can't find a way to survive on that much, I've got problems. Especially because this time last year I had just moved in to this apartment (Happy Anniversary, room!) and I was broke as fuck, living on borrowed money and 390 yen a day, roughly 1/10th of what I'll have this month. On top of that I am seeing more of the world. So I'm richer, more well travelled, and better off in just about every possible way than I was at this time last year. Guess I can't really complain.

Happy VD!

2007-02-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

It's Valentine's Day and of course it rained like crazy. On top of being single for it, I got drenched on the way home, but was able to let go of my desire to stay dry knowing full well that, well, my clothes are really the only thing that's going to get wet. It's not like I'm made of paper and will break apart if wet.

Single Awareness Day once again is going by without anything really special going on, I would complain about being single, and how today makes me feel miserable, but in all honesty, I like being single. Clearly, since I seem to push away every opportunity to change that that comes along. It's true that I get lonely now and again, but, when I really think about it, I want to be alone far far more than I yearn for the company of others, especially intimate company.

I get tired of the whole, "it's always when you least expect it that something comes along" philosophy. This just seems to me a rationalization method employed by singles to feel better about the fact that their search is as of yet unsuccessful. It is, however, congruent somewhat with my belief that the universe does not provide the opportunity for progress, nor would you realize it were it to, until you're prepared for it, until you've learned the lessons that the universe would have you learn. All the same I still hate hearing people say that. It doesn't come when you least expect it, it comes when it does, and it's just always surprising.

Anyway, my lessons today were fun, I got to eat chocolates, and in exchange I got soaked. I think there are worse outcomes. I could have to deal with V-Day crap, which I was never particularly fond of, so I can't really complain.

Travelling Is Spendy

2007-02-13T22:19:00.000-08:00

Man. All this time I joked around with my students about how after all this travel I would be broke, but rich in experience, I was a lot more correct than I realized. At least about the broke part.

I've got like, zero money to my name at the moment, I borrowed 3,000 yen from Ty to last my until payday, and thank God it's only one more day till then. Even so, I'm committed for another large chunk of my livelihood when I pick up my Chinese travel visa on the 26th, the acquisition of which was an episode unto itself.

I got up early this morning, and thanks to the bright sunshine pounding down on my face (which I like, for the record, rather than despise), I was up and ready early enough to cruise to the train station to catch the train one earlier than I had originally planned. Sweet, extra time to find this place that I would undoubtedly get lost trying to locate. So I get there, and as the train is arriving on the platform, I stick my hand into my pocket as I always do and realized that, yes, yesterday I had in fact worn a different jacket, and as such my train passes and alien registration card, quite neccessary for a visa application, were sitting in my other jacket at home. So, scratch that whole, I'm ahead of schedule thing. Another quintessentially David-style move. Notice that I talked about doing this EXACT same thing in my entry about Hokkaido.

So I went back, got my shit, caught the train I had originally planned on, and when I got to Shin Matsudo, I wound up missing my train because the stupid ticket machine was broken, and the morons behind the counter were unable to provide me with an instant solution as they should damn well be able to working for an extremely time sensitive organization. I stood there answering questions all the while looking at my watch and realizing there was no way I was going to make my train and soaking in the irony of the whole, "I left early and now I'm late both by my fault and sheer luck" situation. Anyway, all in all I got down to Roppongi a only ten minutes or so later than I had planned, and I found the visa place just fine, thank God.

Except, that my visa is going to cost 9,000 yen for some strange reason, even though the website says it should only be 4,000, and it will be delayed until the 26th because of the Chinese New Year celebration, which starts on Saturday, which means there are only 3 full business days after I dropped it off, and they need 4, for whatever reason. Allen, who's Chinese that I work with, tells me that the Consulate does this all the time, overcharging people. Even him, who has permanent residency in Hong Kong. *sigh*

Anyway, on top of that I have to pay Samantha back for the hostel she booked for us, but that's only like 8,000 yen per person for the whole week we're going to be there. I really hope that China is as cheap as they all tell me, because otherwise I'm gonna be screwed for money. Especially because rent has been much higher these last two months thanks to winter heating.

On a side note, Natscha's only got like 6 weeks left in Japan, and that's starting to sink in. It's weird how when someone's leaving, you start taking inventory on all the shit you let go unsaid or undone for too long. I'm glad she and I are on better terms again now, she was over here the other night to see Dave and have dinner with him, and they invited me to join and get shitty drunk on wine, and she and I went to the store together to have some time to shoot the shit and all, and that was really nice. I think what I respect the most about her now is that she handled that situation exactly how I would, walk away from it, let it cool off, and then come at it like it never happened, allowing the other person to take whatever steps they feel comfortable with, making sure they know that I've looked past it already. I respect her so much for it because, well, no one else really ever does that, at least not for me. She just lets things go. I hate saying it like this, but, it's very Christian of her, and I like that. Too many other people I know hold grudges, or worse, rationalize against me. It's, lol, refreshing. That's right, I said it. It's refreshing.

Snowboarding Day 2

2007-02-11T22:31:00.000-08:00

Day 2 we went to Kiroro, and the powder was just amazing. The skies were clear when we arrived, and the beginner slope was calling my name.

As soon as I strapped on my board I knew there was gonna be a huge difference that day. I had been thinking about the mechanics of turning during the time before heading up, and talking to Jenn about it, and kinda worked out in my head how toe vs. heel turning would work. It's just that my body had never done anything remotely close to a toe turn before so it required a little thought. We got up to the top of the run, and looking down at Jenn a few meters down the run I told her I didn't wanna fall anymore, remembering the previous adventure. She said, and was right, that I had to if I wanted to learn. In my mind though, I had already paid adequately in crashes, and deserved a little more result than I had seen. So I went down a little, tried to turn right, and ate shit. But not as bad.

The snow was really soft, and there was something different about it that day, when standing I could wiggle my board both left and right, and I tried to remember how that felt so that I could do it again while moving and see where it got me. Jenn took off, and I got some distance away from Ceska and Tascha quickly, and tried turning right again. This time, my board did what I thought it should have, and I paid close attention to what exactly it was that when I fell, made it happen.

It was about then that something kinda clicked, and the mechanics I had been thinking about finally started to make sense. I got up right away, turned again, and leaned forward on my toes the same way I had been pushing down on my heels going the other direction, and let my right leg really swing around so my board was adquately perpendicular to the slope to really give some stopping surface, and lo and behold I slowed down. And thanks to all that fakey practice as soon as I let my board straighten out again, as it tends to want to do to reduce friction, I swung my board out the other way and came to a grinding stop. On my feet. I plopped down on the ground, smiled immensely, and started cutting this way and that down the rest of the run. I only wish someone I knew were there to see it.

I went right back up and did it again. Bam. Done. Did it again, and I realized that turning that much was making me stop way too far from the entrance to the lift, so I turned less and cruised more. Twice more down that run and I was sick of doing it. I decided to kick it up a notch, and go on the longer beginner run, which happened to start at the summit.

I hopped on the Gondola and got one of those gut wrenching feelings when after 10 minutes I still had not reached the top. I knew where I was supposed to go, but, this lift was taking forever, I was by myself, and visibility was rapidly declining the higher I went. By the time I reached the top I felt like I was in a blizzard, and in all honesty when I started down the run I could neither see where I was going nor gauge how fast I was actually going. That's when the frustration kicked in.

The powder was slowing my board down, and the wind was so strong that my the condensation on the inside of my goggles was freezing, and I basically couldn't see anything at all. When I finally made it to the split where the 'panoramic route' started, I had to take my goggles off, and walk for a bit cause the slop was too gentle to even coast at all.

By this time, my nervous pee response had kicked in, and I was driven to get down the mountain more by my bladder than a desire to conquer the mountain. I had to one foot it for a long way because of the all too gentle slope and that made me tired. I was stressed, and my confidence was fading quickly due to what seemed like a huge mistake on my part.

Finally, two very important things happened. I reached the top of another lift, and I went pee in the snow. From that point on, I could finally see again, the slope was enough to actually not ever stop without effort on my part, and I could concentrate on boarding rather than needing to pee. The rest of the run was fast, steep (for me), and exhilarating. I was so engrossed in cruising and turning and the fact that I wasn't falling down that when I finally saw the lodge appearing at the bottom of the hill I was on, I almost felt disappointed that once it started going fast it ended so soon. I took comfort in knowing that there was a lift that would take me directly to where the action started, and vowed not to go back up to the top, where I would face more frustration than anything else. I wanted the fun.

I went back up the first slope one more time before stopping in to have lunch, just to compare it to the run I just finished, and I realized that it was just too easy, and I was too good to get anything out of it. What? Too good? Holy crap. I realized then I was no longer a starting snowboarder, but yes, a bonafide beginner. WOOOOOOT.

After lunch I ran the short version of the summit one two more times, and it was fun, but my legs were SO tired that I was catching lips and falling when I shouldn't have, and going slower than I was capable of too, so I called it a day after that. I was so dead tired, but at the same time, I was so happy to have come that far. Again, I wish that Jenn or Natascha or someone at all I knew could have been there with me to witness just how far I had come. I would have gone with the other four, as they all went up for one last run together, but they wanted to go to the summit, and I just wasn't gonna go through that again, so I chose to do that shorter run twice, that I just mentioned. Oh well, I was out to prove something to myself and myself only, and I did just that, so I'm happy.

Anyway, now I'm a beginner snowboarder. I can turn both directions, stop, and recover from a slip/bump without falling. Not bad for my first time. Go me.

Snowboarding Day 1

2007-02-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

So, my previous post mentions snowboarding a couple of times but never really goes into detail because I didn't want to make the entry excessively long. So, I'll talk about it here, so you can fill in the day or two's worth of info I left out.

For starters, I never skateboarded or surfed prior to this, so I knew it was going to be essentially learning and entirely new skill, and I was right. Despite having experience skiing, the only good it did me was knowing how frustrating it was learning that, and how to deal with falling a lot without driving myself crazy. And fall a lot I most certainly did. Jenn and Tom G. where there with me the first time to go up the lift and tell me about the basics, but after a couple of minutes of me standing up, going a foot or two then falling down, I told them they could go on ahead and I would work on what they talked about without them having to wait around for my ass. Good call, as it turns out, cause it took me about an hour and a half to get down that run. I fell. Boy did I fall. I fell in every way imaginable. I did the first face plant of my life, which was just hilarious to me, and allowed me to get some good thinking done in the solitude of my self-made snow cave.

I hit my head several times from falling while turning to the right, something which I never got the hang of the first day. I did some damage to my left wrist as well, landing poorly and putting too much weight on it, but that much I expected. I also bruised my tailbone, which I expected. I got tired very quickly, but I took it in chunks and focused on one little bit at a time, and by the time I reached the steep part of the run I could stay up long enough to kinda stop on my own. I started to get my balance I'd say about halfway down the run, and by the end I had kinda figured out how to get down fakey. I decided I felt more comfortable going down fakey than trying to learn to cut right and crashing all the time, so after I got back to the lift, I went back up, and went back down again all fakey, which took me like 10 minutes. Big difference in times.

I ran into Natascha and Ceska and Sammy the second time down, and come to find out Sam had hurt her knee and was having a hard time getting down the mountain. Tascha and Ceska were doing alright, snowbunny style on their skis all the way. I didn't realize it was their first time skiing as well. I just kinda thought the three of them were poor skiers. My third time down I saw the ski patrol coming to pick up Sammy, and I made it down pretty fast, my fakey style proving to be sound and allowing me to adjust to standing on the board while moving and getting any amount of speed, though going fakey one can't really ever get going THAT fast, so I realized by the end of the run that style was going to hold me back. Besides, the whole time I was telling myself that I wasn't actually snowboarding as long as I was using that style.

My last run of the day I went down with Jenn, and I challenged myself to really give it a go, and I kept up with her the whole time, never falling once. I was really proud of myself to have accomplished that in one day of snowboarding, and I was fine with having done it fakey knowing that the next time we went up to the mountain I would train myself to turn correctly and then I could really claim to have learned how to do it. I felt really good about myself for the first time in a long while, having gone from zero to something workable in a day.

Sapporo

2007-02-09T23:55:00.000-08:00

I got back the other night from my 4 day vacation to Hokkaido tired and sore, but overall, it was a great trip. Allow me to recount the events.

Day 1:
I woke up Sunday morning early, at my place, as Janel decided it would be best that I not stay there despite her previous invitation, a decision I respected, and in retrospect know was a good idea if for no other reason than I wasn't as monumentally tired as I would have been. I packed the night before in all of three minutes, but as it turned out, I actually managed to bring everything I needed. I cruised out to Haneda Airport but not before pulling a quintessential David move and going to the train station early, sitting there reading for 15 minutes, and then realizing at the last second I didn't have my train pass/alien registration card etc with me, as I had left them in my other jacket which I had worn to work the previous day. So I flew back to my apt. on my bike and got back to the station literally 1 minute too late to catch my train to meet up with everyone, and as such went out there alone, which I don't really mind so much. Getting to the airport was straightforward enough though and I arrived only minutes after the rest of the group thanks to some quick transfers.

Our flight was delayed by about ten minutes due to severe weather conditions around Chitose Airport, so we had a little extra time to wander around the airport and take pictures on the observation deck. We, of course, being myself, Samantha, Jenn, Ceska, Tom G, and Natascha. After boarding the plane, the captain announced that due to the weather conditions, one of three things would happen after we took off: we would circle the airport until things cleared up, land in Hakodate, or return to Tokyo. Lol. Return to Tokyo. Hell of a vacation that would have been. I sat next to Jenn on the plane, thanks to a nice Japanese gentleman who switched seats with me, probably to avoid being stuck next to a bunch of gaijin more than anything else, but I want to think of it as a selfless act more than one of self sanity preservation. We wound up circling the airport for 30 minutes, which was the best possible option really, so we weren't really that late. Immediately after getting off the plane, as in, one step onto the bridge, I snagged some snow and started the official vacation off with a snowball straight to Jenn's torso, as promised. We snagged some beers, hopped on the train, and made our way to Susukino, where our hotel, the Sun Route Hotel New Sapporo, was located, near central Sapporo. It was snowing pretty hard when we got there

After checking in, we went to the ski locker area to examine our rental gear, and chide one another about the flourescent gear we undoubtedly had rented. I was really gunning for neon camoflauge, but alas, our gear was relatively wearable, fit for the most part, and lacked the early 80's flare we had all crossed our fingers for. I did however, get a nice pair of flourescent orange snowboard pants that, as was pointed out to me, looked surprisingly handsome. Jenn, however, had no stuff there, so a few phone calls were made and they said they'd have stuff out to her by 5pm, which turned out to be more like 6:30, after the rest of us had already left for dinner.

The rooms were nice enough, twin beds with little in the way of real comfort, but a bed is a bed and as hotel rooms go for people in our price range, it was more than adequate. Tom took a quick nap while the rest of us ventured downstairs to find the fabled Hokkaido miso ramen, and we found it next door to our hotel and were relatively unimpressed, as we've all come to realize is unfortunately the case with a great many Japanese 'local delicacies' which are no better if not worse in their place of reverence than anywhere else. After that a quick nap for the rest of us was in order, and after waking we hopped in taxis and made our way to the Sapporo brewery restaurant, where we set out on our mission to consume as much lamb as humanly possible, and drunk Sammy bit my forefinger so hard she broke the skin. Yes, that's right, I went to Hokkaido and all I got was this lousy HUMAN BITE. Thanks, Sam.

After dinner we wobbled outside where we started a snowball fight, which spread quickly after I started throwing snowballs at strangers and got about 25 people involved in a multicultural snowball exchange program. Much hilarity ensued. We called it a night early that night, as the next morning we would all set out to Kokusai ski area for a fateful day on the slopes.

Day 2:
Monday morning we got up around 7:30 to catch our 8:30 ski bus, and things got off to yet another phenomenal start when Jenn discovered that though the gear all fit, the snowboard that was delivered to her was not only tardy but the size of a spatula. Jenn had some words with the rental company, who then offered her a discount for her troubles. After arriving at Kokusai they gave her a better board.
Notable events from Day 1 on the slopes:
I learned to snowbard. See Linked entry for more.
Sammy crashed in some way previously considered physically impossible within 5 minutes of getting to the top of the lift and injured her knee, requiring the assistance of the ski patrol to bring her down the rest of the way, and barring her from skiing for the duration of the trip.

After we got back, we were all dead tired, and went to dinner at this nice Cuban restaurant across the walkway from the hotel, where we ate some surprisingly delicious food and drank some surprisingly good rum, and had a surprisingly hot waitress who spoke, you guessed it, surprisingly good English. I'd had enough surprises so I went to bed after a shower and a fistful of Aleve. I slept poorly, as I did every night while there.

Day 3:
Tom left the room early to go sightseeing on his own, and Jenn slept in and went to an onsen on her own, leaving Sammy, Natascha, Ceska and me to go to the Snow Festival itself, the main event, together. Unfortunately due to a warm front there was some severe meltage, but actually it wasn't so bad because it kinda made all the snow sculptures have this creepy, deranged look which I've come to kinda like.
Highlights of the festival:
The girl in the pod playing Benny Goodman while Natascha and Ceska swing danced before a crowd of elderly Japanese who just couldn't get enough.
Lunch in the tower and the mistake of taking the stairs to avoid the elevator lines. It might be the 3rd floor, but it's 6 flights up.
German style chocolate roasted almonds. Yum.
After all our feet were sufficiently numb, we hopped in a taxi and went back to the hotel, which turned out to be all of 4 blocks from where we were. We took naps. Or, at least that's what I thought we were doing, everyone else apparently was in Sammy's room watching porn that somehow involved the spitting of egg whites onto someone's chest. Gotta love Japanese porn.

Jenn and Ceska and I split to go have dinner and enjoy some more 'local delicacies' before going back to the Snow Festival to check out the night time lighting. We ordered a bucket of sashimi that contained some surprisingly delicious crab, and some surprisingly bad stuff in the form of a dark green paste which none of us could identify. I was very happy to discover a food in Japan that was actually as good as rumor held. The crab, I mean, not the UDGP (unidentified dark green paste), which is not to be confused with NGDOPG.

After dinner we went to the top of some entertainment center near the hotel and got on the Ferris Wheel they had to admire the view of Sapporo, which was nice. The mountains surrounding the city are very pretty when illuminated through the clouds by the spotlights of chairlifts. It was over more or less as soon as it started, so we walked to the Snow Festival, took more pics, and then went back to the hotel, where we all watched Forest Gump and I tried to fall asleep but then As Good As It Gets came on and Tom kept it on, so I didn't actually go to bed until 1:30 am or so, despite having to get up early the next morning.

Day 4:
Waking up earlier than Day 2 wouldn't have been so bad had I not had to pack everything up before leaving. See, we had to bring all our stuff with us to Kiroro, our snow park destination, put it in lockers, and then hop on the bus afterwards to the airport directly and hop on our plane to go home. So that was annoying, and I was dead on my feet, not to mention still pretty tired from Day 2's snowboarding skill acquisition.
Highlights from Day 4 on the mountain.

As soon as I got on the bus, I knew I had to pee, and so I busted out the iPod, sat in the least stressful position on my bladder, and attempted to enter some sort of Zen meditative state, which actually somehow worked, and I made it to the airport without any sort of real actual dicomfort, unlike Natascha, who tried but was unable to find that same Zen state. I think the iPod helped. She came and joined me after an hour or so on the road and we shared headphones and chatted a bunch, which was really nice. All the ski bus trips we sat next to each other and slept on one another's shoulders, which was nice. We did our best not to aggravate our bladders, and I'm assuming the chit chat was to distract ourselves from having to pee. Maybe, who knows.

Our plane was delayed due to heavy snow, and we got back to Haneda just in time to hope straight on the trains home, but Jenn was hypoglycemic by this point so she was dancing like a madman on the train blasting hiphop with her earphones inverted, which normally would anger me but at that stage of exhaustion just made me laugh. I got back to the apartment around 1 am, exhausted but happy with the trip.

Kenka

2007-01-28T16:33:00.000-08:00

So last Saturday at work I apparently got in a fight with Emi, my J-staff, who called me lazy under her breath and mentioned something about my observation. I called her out on it and she snapped at me after trying to ignore me. I called my manager and told her about the incident immediately afterwards. She wanted me to hand out tissues, and I said I would after I finished fillign out my kids forms, which I hadn't had time to do, despite my two no-shows earlier that day because I was helping out Christian with learning his kids materials since it was his first day doing them. I asked if that was ok, and she said yes. Anyway, I told her I was going to finish marking my files, and was like, "You JUST had a free!" and then called me lazy. I more or less got in her face about it because I don't stand for that kind of thing when it's not deserved.

Apparently she had to talk to her manager about the incident too, and now we're not talking. Oh well, no big deal.

If you're so emotionally unstable that you're willing to let your personal life affect your attitude at work and take it out on other people, namely me (she spends most of her time at work in the office snacking and complaining about her diet/constantly shifting dramativ relationship with her boyfriend), then you can go fuck yourself. She's manic half the time, encourages us to be lazy, and then comes down on me when she's in a bad mood all of a sudden and doesn't get what she wants immediately. Whatever. Eat a dick.

Life's good out here other than that, though I'm poor from making reservations for so many things, and rent, and trips, and bills and blah blah blah I'm gonna have the most boring social life for a while, i.e. this entire year apart from my many vacations. It'll be a challenge, but hey, I need a challenge to stay on my toes.

Dreams of Kingship

2007-01-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that my family and I went to Slovakia on vacation, and that we went to see the King of Slovakia speaking. Yes, the King. I don't think there IS a king of Slovakia, but, whatever.

Anyway, I wanted to sit in the front row to hear him speak, so we did. Now keep in mind this is taking place in like, an old theatre, and the King is on stage talking, wearing you know, an OLD school King's type outfit, with the red velvet cape and everything, kinda like the Burger King kinda King. But he's young, a generally cool guy, and we even get to see his throne, which was behind the curtains, which doubled as a harpsicord/organ type thing on which he played an interested little tune that rather impressed the audience and in particular my mother but was in fact wrought with minor errors that were probably the result of my brain, much like how you can't really read in dreams, but I still noticed anyway.

I wanted to be there because I wanted to learn about the history of my family, learn of any heritage to my last name. I wanted to talk to him in private after the shower, or like raise my hand mid speach and ask him there, but the opportunity came when, during the course of his act or whatever, he needed to go outside and do something and I got picked to go along with him. So we're walking along outside and I tell him what I'm interested in, and he asks me my name, and I tell him my last name. He's quiet for a second while we walk and then his phone rings, being a historically dressed but in reality technologically up-to-date kind of King, and answers with, "Zahorcak here. Yes?" thusly answering the question of my bloodline. The way he said it though had a much stronger 'tch' sound though, but I figure that'd probably be the case anyway, so no big deal. I was happy.

Shortly after the dream regressed into normal dream melting type stuff where some giant (like 25 feet high) caterpillar thing (exactly like a giant Carrion Devourer from WoW) came out from backstage and someone managed to lure it outside and then kill it by, much to my surprise and then in-dream-mocking, he swam across the river over and over with the thing chasing him until it got tired and drowned. I said to the man, "THAT was the first thing to cross your mind?? 'Oh, look! A giant worm thingie's broken into this show I'm watching! I know, I'll get it to chase me then swim back and forth across this river until it gets tired and doesn't come up anymore! Brilliant!" But I suppose I shouldn't complain since it did in fact work.

Dreams are weird. Additionally, it makes even less sense because my last name means Foreigner in Slovak, and thusly I doubt one with my last name could ever be king. Except by conquest. Which would be cool.