12-02

12-02

Wow. December already. I distinctly remember it being October a day or two ago. I’ve been here over a month now. It’s kinda weird thinking that I haven’t seen anyone from home in that long at least, though I have spoken to a few on the internet and in some cases on the phone.

Realizing that I’ve been here this long makes me think of the fact that this is half the time I spent here last time. By this time two years ago, Zhenya and I had started our relationship, my Japanese was becoming more honed, and I had traveled to some incredible places. I was halfway through my stay here.

What have I done since being here this time around? I’m still single, though majoritally by my own choosing, and from lack of options. My Japanese is getting better, from necessity mainly, though I still haven’t started going through the textbooks I brought with me, which I probably should. Where have I been? 原宿 Harajuku, though I made a beeline for the places I had been to already before. 秋葉原 Akihabara, though only to buy tools for working on my computer. 上野公園 Ueno Park, but only to drink with Greg. There was that rave I went to, which was cool, and I’m sure I’ll have more experiences like that. I’m admittedly a little disappointed.

But then again, I’ve been working most of the time I’ve been here. I can give myself that. Of the month or so, I’ve only had 11 days off. I’ve gone out with my coworkers, had plenty of good times, but is that Japan? Is that what this country is? I feel like I’ve been living with blinders on since being here. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t live in a bubble while here, though I know that’s what my job is. It’s a very safe place. I spend five days a week at work surrounded by English. In fact, the entire point of my employ is to teach the language of my reality to those whose reality I seek to know. The irony of the whole situation is resounding. The only times I can come close to what I came here to know are when I am alone in it. It’s funny the ways life reminds you sometimes that when you boil it all down, you’re alone. Not really alone, I suppose, alone with whatever it is out there with which I am connected, of which I am only aware when there’s nothing else to distract me from its presence. I was afraid of that solitude for so much of my life, now I laugh to myself thinking how much I appreciate those times. It’s the only time I really feel like I’m myself. I think that’s what I like about being in this country so much. I like not feeling at home. I like not feeling comfortable. When you settle down like that, you stop looking around. I hate the complacency it breeds. I hate taking things for granted. Language here of all things I don’t even have. I like having to think about how to say something before speaking to someone.

You know how many times you feel uncomfortable talking to strangers? How you endure things because there’s some sort of social barrier since you don’t know them? It’s like strangers speak a different language, broadcast on a different wavelength to which you aren’t attuned, until you balls up and talk to them. Well, I know some of you don’t feel that way at all, but I do. It’s the reason I refuse to meet women at bars. I feel like there needs to be a significant common thread, a parallel course, before joining life paths in that way. These are the threads that weave social webs, and hold societies together. Anyway, whereas before that barrier was merely perceived, it’s real here. You couldn’t talk to them even if you wanted to, they don’t speak the same language as you. It’s nice to have some of the crazier thoughts in my head made tangible in reality.

I realize that, at least for the version of this journal I make available to them, this is the most of my thoughts/my life my family has really ever known. Maybe in 6 months or so, this journal will contain in triplicate the sum total of all the information about myself and my life I have ever shared with my parents, at least since moving to Oregon, and being old enough to want to keep things to myself/realize it’s better that way. It really has little to do with them though, it’s the same for me with them as just about everyone else. So, welcome. I promise I’m not crazy. Just verbose. Little doubt from whom I inherited that.

Speaking of blinders, I had my three week evaluation yesterday in 柏 Kashiwa. It was kinda funny I guess, I taught a lesson I really liked, and the students were just wet noodles. They really handed me very little to work with, and I probably lack the tools at this point to extract what I need from them, so my review was interesting to say the least. I got points for following the lesson plan exactly as I should, and then talked to about how I shouldn’t stick entirely to the lesson plan. I was sticking too much to what was comfortable and not exploring new techniques, or something. I like being held to standards that haven’t been taught. It’s a clever way to make sure no one ever aces evals. You get tested on your ability to demonstrate the skills you’re due to learn the following week. I did so well on my first evaluation because I’m a quick learner, and got comfortable quickly. Now that I’m good at it, I’m getting docked for not having divined the next set of instructions. Lol. Whatever guys. As soon as you give me the tools, I’ll be a threat to your job security.