A Dusty Journal at Best

I don't write in here nearly enough anymore. I've been on autopilot for too long. Things have kinda gotten monotonous I guess, the days are blurring by anymore at a rate that I'm not really comfortable with. This year is nearing its end already, nearly September already, and I think the rapid passing of time has something to do with well, financial stability. Each day means less because each day is less of a struggle.

Work is work is work anymore, this month on Saturdays and Sundays I've been working at the new Jusco kashiwa branch and Shin Yahashira, which has been nice cause I get to see some new faces, and working with different people and teaching different students is generally positive for me.

My birthday party was a blast, though it wound up costing me an arm and a leg. But a lot of people showed up, and it seemed like everyone had a good time, but I'm starting to realize how removed I am from the general social circle anymore. Not working in Kashiwa means I don't see most of that crew really, and seeing as I don't work there or live with them really I don't really know what's going on all the time. I've fallen out of touch with the Matsudo people too now that I'm not working there on Sundays anymore either. It's kinda led me to feel kinda lonely of late, I realize that mostly I go to work, and come home, and go to bed, though I know that's really not entirely true.

I went out with Janel last night, and Natascha and I hang out three or four nights a week just for tea and a chat. Greg and I go and do our Greg and David type stuff every so often, so I guess I really can't complain. Just, I'm still choking on that whole, "I've been here this long and really done jack shit" thing that's been bothering me since I've been here really. I hate when people ask me where we should go, and look surprised when I have no idea. They always tell me, "you've been here way longer than me, shouldn't you know some places around here?" But then I always have to realize that my routine really doesn't allow for much in the way of exploring.

I sat down with a calendar the other day at work and started planning out trips for myself for the nextt 6 or 7 months, assuming they renew my contract. Once a month I am going to take a weekend trip somewhere and I am going to really hold myself to it, whether I have to do it alone or not. For the priceof going out drinking a couple of nights each month, I could instead travel somewhere and feel a lot better, I think, about the time I'm spending here. Cause as much as I enjoy the socializing and the drinking, none of it is really lasting when it comes to my memory of Japan and the experiences I'm going to remember. That's daily life shit, and my threshold for exciting, worth mentioning events is so high that it would all just fly under the radar, not matter how much fun it may be.

Women, as has generally bene the case, are confusing, and though I'm involved more with them now than I was in previous months, I still tend to back away from the idea just because it really does cause more trouble that it seems to be worth. It's not that regret getting my toes wet in those waters I've avoided for so long, it's just that however nice it feels on the surface I know the undercurrent is far too strong for how much energy I want to spend staying afloat, or at least not drifting out past where I safely tread water.

I like my books, I like my games, and in all reality, as long as I've got money to pay the bills and friends who even occasionally call me to hang out, I'm alright. Janel and I joked last night about how I'm unattainable, something I used to complain about. But really, anymore, it's right where I want to be.