Whoops! Kinda forgot to write.

It's been a while since I've written anything in here, lots has happened, including a trip to Korea amongst other things.

I don't want to just skip everything that happened, but it would be a lot of work to catch it all up, and so alas, those parts will simply have to be committed to traditional memory.

I went to Fujikyu Highlands with Saki on Sunday, our first kinda couple type things, and we had a really nice time. On the trip out there we played car games, some in English some in Japanese, and that's cool because I get to learn new words and practice Japanese and have fun with this girl I like. I managed to get her to go on all the major rollercoasters, which was really good seeing as she's scared of them. I didn't think I was going to be able to. She came over last night too, and we watched part of Anchorman with the English subtitles on, and stopped to rewind and review scenes so she could learn and understand what was going on. It was funny to watch her go from not understanding, to learning line by line, then watching again and laughing after finally getting it, only to realize, wait, this is really stupid humor, and laughing again. We got about a third of the way through the movie before it degenerated into making out on the couch, but, whatever. That just means we can to that two more times before we actually finish the movie. I'm fine with that.

I've pretty much decided at this point that I'm going to stay here for at least another year. didn't think it was going to work out that way, but, as I live here longer, I really do find it hard to think of a reason why I would want to leave. My dad keeps emailing me telling me there's really nothing to come back to, and when I think about it, there really is a lot more for me here, at least in terms of potential for growth and the acquisition of life skills, such as language proficiency and living out on my own. I think though that I will start searching for another job immediately upon renewing my contract, and I think, though it shocks me to hear myself say it, I'm going to apply for a three year visa instead of a one.

I finished one of James Clavelle's novels, GaiJin, a couple weeks ago, 1600 pages of good book, only to pick up Understanding Power, by Noam Chomksy directly afterwards, and reading it really has started to change my perspective on a lot of things. More than that though, it's just made me really pissed off that I happen to live in a world where the stuff that's being talked about really is true, and goes on, and is the basis for the reality we see. I struggle constantly with this desire I have internally to change the world around me for the better, to really do something to set things on a better course and the desire I have to be happy and comfortable and successful in something. Not that those two should necessarily have to conflict, but, where the conflict lies is in choosing between buying into a system that, as a white American guy, happens to work more in my favor than most, and choosing to struggle against that system for something that I believe is better for all people. I want very much in my life to accomplish something monumental, and for all people tell me that growing up, being successful and raising a family IS monumental, I can't help feeling like that's a copout, and that people are just trying to console themselves for not having really done something to make a difference.

For example, my life here is comfortable, I could theoretically continue down this path forever, eventually get married, have kids, and dedicate my life to the happiness and future of my children. This would be a success in the eyes of most all people, as for most all people this is all life ever really amounts to. But for me, I dunno, I've never felt like that was good enough. I've never really felt like it's good enough simply to maintain the status quo and simply do what everyone has ever done. Par isn't worth shooting for. But every day that goes by that I feel like I have accomplished nothing towards something monumental, I feel like I am wasting something precious, yet at the same time I don't know what else I would be doing.

I suppose that's a product of being raised in a reality that teaches people that individuals are powerless, and I suppose that means that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life fighting against what has been ingrained in me since birth. Then the question becomes, if I choose to spend my life attempting to change those things I recognize as wrong in the world, will it work? Will it happen? And the selfish, shortsighted part of me that unfortunately rules over so many of my decisions says, will it happen within my lifetime, and if it doesn't, is it really all that important? Will it even matter to have started to do if you never see the end of it in your own lifetime? And it's not that I think I have to see the end of it so that I can see the benefits, it's more that if I don't see it through to the end, I basically have no faith that it will end the way I wanted it to. But then again, who's to say that what I want is really what's best? In my opinion though, I've discovered that there is no ideal that will not eventually be corrupted or twisted by the self interests of others, and as such if I'm not around to see that it works out how I originally intended, I pretty much have to assume that as soon as I'm not looking it'll fall apart and fade away like nothing ever happened.

I have this feeling all the time like fighting to change things in the world is always a losing battle, that as soon as I stop fighting, or as soon as the momentum of the movement starts to wane, that people by default will go back to whatever is the most comfortable, whatever is the easiest on them, and unfortunately, living in a system of highly focused power takes so much thinking out of the lives of everyday people that I feel like they will naturally gravitate towards it, because until things are completely even for all people, we're all going to feel like it's just too much work to keep struggling towards an ideal. I see this all the time, especially with my parent's generation, that fought so hard to change the world around them, protested, stood up for themselves, and changed things, only to get older, lose momentum, and watch whatever chance they had to make real progress slip away as one by one people decided it's just easier to let go and fall in line with what's being manufactured for us by those who want our minds to stop trying so hard. And now, once again, we have kids growing up in a world where they feel powerless to do anything, and what's worse is they have the near success and thusly crushing failure of their parents to follow through weighing down on them as an example of just how much if you really try how little really changes in the end, when you get old and tired of fighting all the time. It keeps me up at night thinking that someday the drive I have in me might fade like that.

But alas, I digress. Anyway, life is good here, for the time being. Work's ok, I'm having fun, and I'm starting to see some results from all that jogging I've been doing, or at least in my head I think I'm doing better. Who knows. That's all for now.