A Depressed Venting of Doubt and Ponderance

I've got to admit I'm a little less than happy at the moment. Nova has found a sponsor, yes, but, that doesn't really mean much. I still have no idea when, if ever, I'm going to see my last two paychecks, and the company that bought them out, G Communication, otherwise known as EC, is basically the devil incarnate. And, they plan to open only 30 profitable schools at first, with aims to open 200 in the future, which means that basically everyone is going to get axed that hasn't already quit. If this includes me, I don't know, but I don't want to find out, honestly.

Which brings me to my current position. I have an interview with Interac on the 26th of this month, a couple weeks from now, but even then there's no guarantee that I'll have employment at all, and if so, nothing perhaps until April of next year. Now, I am eligible to go on unemployment, which I probably will end up doing, and I am going to continue to look and apply for other jobs in the meantime.

But I've been sitting around for a week now, almost two, doing nothing really. Nothing except stewing in this crap, trying to keep myself from sinking in what's becoming an increasingly depressing situation.

Why am I still here? What am I hoping to accomplish by being here any longer? The more I think about it the less I have an answer. The ones I do have aren't really all that convincing, either. I'm not really acquiring skills I can use in the future, at least not for what I want to be doing, and at least not at the moment I'm not putting money away to contribute to whatever that future may be. I'm just kinda, hangin around. Having the floor drop out from under me has really kind of make me question what I'm doing here.

So here's what I've come up with.
I like Japan a lot. I enjoy living here, I'm learning Japanese, making friends, and really enriching my life in the sense that this is something I will never forget, and use to grow and build myself into something worthwhile.
I like Saki a lot. Enough said.

But after that, man....gotta be honest I'm havin a hard time coming up with something. I mean, for Greg, it's different, what he wants is to teach kids and have fun and spend his life doing that. And that's fantastic, I really admire him for that. But I don't know if that's what I want. I'm sick of feeling like I'm underqualified for anything. I want to be a specialist in something. At the moment I'm qualified to....teach at an Eikaiwa. And be a camp counselor. And maybe go to grad school. Having said that I'm not even really qualified to teach, I just have 2 years experience with a massive(and failed) conversational English school.

God, it's really depressing me. When I think about Nova being resurrected, I get depressed because I still haven't gotten paid and I'm still not any closer to a future or being secure or happy. What's gonna happen? They're gonna keep me on, and I'm gonna keep working for them like a chump? Delude myself into thinking it's ok and continue with this even though I know it's not right? If not that then what? Try to find another job until my other potential job starts, so that what? I can teach English at an elementary school, which I still don't even know is what I really want to do. But at least I'm in Japan, in the place I love with the woman I love, right?

Or, what? I drag myself back home, leave all this behind me, however hard that would be, and do what? Go to grad school? For what? Human Resources, probably, to pay the bills. Is that even what I really want to do? I have no fucking clue. I don't wanna stay in Japan just cause this is where I am, but I don't wanna go home just because it's where I'm from.

I want to make a difference in people's lives. That's what I want. I want to help people, to make life better for as many as I can. Can I do that in Japan? Can I do that in America? Something I really took to heart as I read a couple of Noam Chomsky's books was that he discusses American policy and not that of other countries because America is the country over which he has any influence whatsoever. That's not to say other countries don't need help, but you fight the battles you're capable of, and leave the rest to those who can. Can I make a difference to people in Japan, even as an American? Would it be any different in the U.S.?

One of the things I enjoy most about being a camp counselor is that I feel like I really make an impression on the kids I'm around. That, while not all the time, some of those kids really are changed by what they experience there, of which I am a large part. I feel this because I've kept in contact with a bunch of them, and I've seen them grow up to be good people. Does teaching kids here in Japan give me that same chance? Even if I myself can't see my own goals clearly for what they are, am I at least aiming in the right direction in seeking to work with children somewhere?

I think there's a huge potential for positive change by being an influential and positive presence in the lives of young people here in Japan. There is so much discrimination and inadvertent racism here that in a couple generations could be weeded out of the population if people work hard enough now to open the hearts and minds of the youth. The same can be said of America as well, but I think the potential for impact here is greater. A white guy teaching white kids in America doesn't seem like it would have as much of an impact as a white guy teaching Japanese kids about a foreign language and culture to which they're basically never exposed.

But alas, I digress. The question for me now is really becoming, which do I chose? Because a choice has to be made. I can either: attempt to continue teaching as I do now with the hope of getting the experience necessary to do it well and make a difference; take the time to obtain the proper education and certification needed to do this type of work professionally with the hope of landing a job that could actually support me and my future family, whether in Japan or in America, or bail on the whole thing, go home and seek training toward an entirely different future.

That's what I'm going to be pondering as these next days and weeks pass by. That's what I'd like some advice on.