Wall of Text

I think what I talked about in my last entry really had an impact on my outlook on things, for the better.

I started thinking not on what was wrong, or how bad I felt, but what I could do to make things better. I started thinking about what I could do when she came over to help her have a good time, to help her relax, to enjoy our time together as much as possible, and when I started thinking about that all of a sudden my perspective shifted and I was looking forward to seeing her again.

And so, when she called, I asked about her day, and her oral surgery that she had just finished, and invited her over to enjoy some quality time with me and the some crazy rabbids (sic), courtesy of my new Wii. She cheerily said ok, and when she got here, I noticed her haircut, she noticed how long my hair has gotten, and we both had a good laugh saying that we both look like we went back in time, she to when we first met (her haircut is exactly the same as 2 years ago this time) and me to basically high school, minus the blonde.

I made her chicken soup for dinner, a first for me, and a success at that, and we relaxed, goofed off, competed against each other, and had a good time.

I've discovered, which come to think of it should be pretty obvious, that the mood of our getting together is exactly the mood I bring into it. If I come into it down, it's down, if I come into it with pep and excitement, guess what? Yea, peppy and exciting. So, my advice to myself, to focus more on the positive, and creating a good atmosphere, really seemed to work.

Ty made a comment to me last night before going to bed that most likely, my fears and concerns were founded more in the fact that I just missed her like crazy, and my longing to spend time with her fueled my funk. He's probably right.

I'll take this time to remind myself once again, of the Fundamental Attribution Error, which is so prevalent in our evaluation and decision making processes. People tend to be vastly unaware of the effect their environment and outside forces are having on their feelings, observations, and actions. This needs to be considered more carefully and thoughtfully when looking at a situation.

Having said that, it's very difficult, as I'm sure you can all attest, to take feelings that you have, based on emotions rather than logic, and use reasoning to attempt to override them.

Here's a conversation I'm sure we've all had with ourselves or someone else at some point:

"Paul is being such a jerk."
"He's probably just busy."
"I dunno, I mean, he's been so snappish."
"He's under a lot of stress now, in his new position. He's got big shoes to fill."
"What did I do to make him be so mean to me?"
"Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just comes across that way when you interact with him."
"I just feel like he's out to get me."

Right? Something like that?

Anyway, the point is even though I'm aware of the FAE, it's damn hard to do anything about it. This, most likely, is due to being completely unware of the actual factors influencing my behavior.

See, there are 4 types of information, as pointed out by a self help session leader that my parents brought me to one day, not because I needed it but because they did, and thought it would do me some good. Well, for all I know I do need it, but that's another story. Anyway...

There are 4 types of information subjective to a person:
Things you know you know
Things you know you don't know
Things you don't know you know
Things you don't know you don't know

We tend to grossly, grossly over/underestimate the sizes of these groups. The primary cause of the FAE, I assume, is that the size of the 4th type, things we don't know we don't know, is so disproportionally large, and environmental factors generally all fit in to that category. Either that or things we don't know we know. Perhaps I've noticed all these things, but consciously I haven't put those pieces together. I might know all the factors that contribute to the situation, but either not aware of them at all or have failed to make a meaningful connection.

Most likely though, the causes are based in things that not only do I not know, but have no idea I don't know. I can say, work could be a factor, but I don't know for sure. That's something I know I don't know. But there are a whole slew of things that I haven't come up with or thought about that may or may not contribute, and thanks to the incredibly complex filtration system set up by our brains, I probably would never come up with either.

Or maybe, I know exactly why things are how they are, but I simply choose to ignore them because I have some kind of preference for what I want it to be. That of course raises the question, why the heck would I want my relationship to be in disarray? That calls for some introspection.

Get Over It

No matter what it is, it seems that the answer to all life's problems, especially ones regarding interpersonal relationships, seems to be that.

Eek, I'm blogging from work. I think in some way that makes me a bad person. I should be working, but the thing is I only have two classes today, and even then there's no prepatation for them and I know exactly what we're doing. The bad thing is the phone is on my desk, so teachers stand in front of me a lot. Hmmm.

Anyway, I've been thinking about the funk I'm in regarding my S.O. recently, and after talking with Ty a little and reading what some other people have discussed, I've decided, much how I'm sure she would tell me as well, that I'm just thinking about it too much. There's a surprise.

The pattern in her behavior I'm taking issue with isn't new, it's not a recent development, so why all of a sudden should I find it unacceptable? I'm the one that's changed, why am I taking issue with her? Doesn't make sense, so.

She's not the call, talk on the phone all the time type. I never see her on the phone basically ever. She texts people, but it's not really anything I should be worried about. There's no problem with her not calling me all the time, she doesn't call anyone really. Tadaa, no problem.

If she's the type that waits for the guy to call, that wants the guy to make the decisions, the type that was raised with more conservative traditional relationship values, then you could say, from her point of view, I'm screwing this up royally by basically not only faulting her for doing what she thinks is only proper, but putting her in an impossible position by essentially demanding that she violate those norms for me. All of a sudden I'm boxing her in, adding stress to her life at a time when she's already got so much, because of things at work.

It's my job, as her boyfriend, to do everything in my power to take away her stress, to help her feel relaxed. I thought about that last night when I had a brief moment of clarity. She comes to me to get away from the stress of her life, to help it go away, and now I'm adding to that stress. Why would she come to me when I'm doing exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to? No wonder she's going to the gym instead of hanging out with me. The gym doesn't create stress.

So, if I want to be happy in this relationship, I need to be more aware of the factors in play, and do my job as her boyfriend better. I need to be the oasis in her life again. And I need to take the reigns and start leading the way, because maybe what she wants after having all that weight on her shoulders, is for someone to carry her just for a little bit.

I think I can do that.

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

We had our BoE meeting today, and as always it was productive, informative, and well worth spending my time going. Minus everything past the first comma.

That's not entirely true, I mean, we talked about next year's schedule, and how things are going to be different in terms of the number of schools and the number of lessons we teach. Fewer schools, more lessons, same pay, essentially. My company has got this interesting thing going on where we can't work more than 29.5 hours in a week, yet somehow we're expected to be available to work, and at school, from 8-5, or more 8:30-4:30. It's set up so that anytime I'm not in class I'm on break. I dunno, it's a weird system, it's basically a sham, but whatever.

Anyway, I'm frustrated. Really really frustrated. I guess part of it has to do with work, I'm feeling awful trapped lately, like I'm not going anywhere but have nowhere to go. I want to move up, do better things, more important things, more lucrative things, but the option I kinda have is in a business category that I think of as particularly unsafe atm, i.e. banking, so it's either take a chance on a business that might not do so hot or have to lay me off, or stick with what I have a little while longer and feel increasingly like I'm going nowhere. Or bail on it all and go home and go to grad school.

And then, to make things worse, I'm transposing my anxiety onto Saki, and I've got it in my head now that she's bored to tears with me, cause let's face it I'm a pretty boring guy deep down, and she's looking at me wondering what she's doing still being with me. I know I do this, transpose my fears onto others, and I know I shouldn't. I trust Saki to be honest with me about her feelings. Or do I? I have very, very little faith that Japanese will tell their true feelings about something to someone directly, but I don't know how far into even personal romantic relationships that extends. Certainly in the public sector one would never talk about it, but I've never been with a Japanese girl to know the signs of holding back.

All I know are the Western signs of holding back, all of which all Japanese exhibit to such an extent I can't distinguish it from anything deeper.

On top of all that, I've gained weight over the winter, something I'm extremely dissatisfied with, and so of course I'm transposing that on her too. I guess my thinking is, I'm not happy with myself, why the heck should she be? If it's so obvious to me, she's not stupid, she has to have noticed too. Especially when she pokes at my tummy, which she does a lot. And invites me to go to the gym with her.

So then, I look at her through these jaded goggles and her actions all fit. She doesn't email me often at all or call me because she's bored with it. When she's with me she sends texts all the time because we're never doing anything exciting enough or busy enough to not. She doesn't say how much she wishes we live together so much now because she's rethinking it, she tells me she's glad I'm thinking of staying an ALT next year instead of looking into the job her family friend is potentially offering because of how awkward it would be if I took it and we broke up. She doesn't wear the diamond and platinum ring I gave her because she isn't proud to have it anymore and wearing it makes her hand and heart feel heavy. She tells me she can't really take any long vacations this year because she asked a huge favor going to America, but then goes to Korea for three days with her friends, and goes snowboarding later.

These are, of course, my paranoid interpretations of her actions. We're both well aware of how much I do this. And I've told her before, it's a lot less to do with her than it is to do with me. Every time we talk, I feel like a dumbass.

She doesn't text me because she's busy as hell when she's at work. I respect that she works so hard, it's her dream. When she gets home, she's so tired she falls asleep, I know how much that girl loves sleep, she literally falls asleep in 10 seconds given a pillow.
She texts people when we're together because that's the only free time she ever has and she gives it up to be with me. Damn near all of the time it's work related.
She's relieved about me being an ALT because she's second guessing her family friend, and the company and type of work he really does, since he never really talks about it in detail. And the economy is crap, and I need job security.
She probably doesn't talk about living together because it's a given, and maybe she doesn't wanna pressure me.
She doesn't wear her ring to work because she can't wear it there, and most of the time I see her or she comes over, it's after work. She probably leaves it at home because she's scared to death of misplacing it.
A week is a huge favor here, she's right. And she has every right to spend time with her friends anytime she wants. I'm not making plans with her, so she has every right to fill her free time.

So my question is, why am I so unhappy with myself, and how the heck to I get out of that? What do I need to do to accept and improve myself such that I stop doubting myself so much, and putting those fears on others?

I need to knock this pity party shit off. I hate that I sit here and think about all these things, knowing that I'm not doing anything to make them better.
I feel fat? WORK OUT. STOP EATING LIKE A FUCKING PIG.
I feel like my life is a mess? CLEAN IT UP.
I feel boring and undeserving? START DOING SOMETHING WORTHY.

So, when I sit there and think about how I wish Saki would do this or that, or stop this or that, I know I'm sitting there saying "damnit I suck and I need to feel like I don't." I need to just start doing something. I know I'll only deserve a woman as wonderful as her as soon as I step up and start earning it.

All in the Mindset

If you look back, over the last two years or so of this blog, and take a look at the days I post, there's a pattern to be noticed. That is, I guess, if you feel like decoding the difference between the timezones and datelines. If you can guess the origin of that pattern, I'll give you bonus points.

I essentially had nothing to do this evening, even though I took off from work right after lunch since I had no afternoon class, and I was sitting there at about 4:45 thinking to myself, "Christ man, I'm bored. It's still light out and I am literally bored to tears. This bites." Yes, I still say things bite, just quietly and to myself. Er, and the internet.

Anyway, I had this flashback, several actually, to the other week when I went to the gym with Saki. She and her family recently joined up at the gym that you trip over walking to their new place from the station, and along with her membership she got a couple free guest tickets, which she invited me to use one day during the course of conversation. So one day when she had the day off and I finished school relatively early, I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said "じゃあ、一緒にジムに行こうか” and, being the adventurous type, I said sure, fuck it, let's go to the gym together. I'm always up for a new experience and like hell I'm gonna turn down a departure from her coming over and us doing the regular cook dinner and watch TV till 11:30 thing. Besides, drinking after a workout is just fantastic. You turn into a cheap drunk. Also nice.

So we went, worked out, Saki made fun of my inflexibility, and then I got to be a man at the gym, lifting far more than her and even, though I'd never admit it, impressing myself a bit too. I'm not known for being excessively (read: at all) manly, so it was maybe her first time seeing me use brute strength. But I digress.

The point of all that is, that we went jogging at the gym too. For an hour, including lead in and cool down, which was impressive for both of us, and a first as well. I wasn't really even tired afterward, which was a double shock. I felt great afterward. So then we went and drank. Fun times.

And then I thought, coming back to my flashbacks, back to last summer, when I went jogging a whole lot and lost zero weight and gave up, but still I was jogging regularly.

And then I thought about the translation work I've been doing for Mayumi, my Japanese teacher and former student from Nova. She's translating a book called Sydney! about Japanese marathon runners at the Sydney Summer Olympics, and wanted me to edit and correct a 10 page section of it. So, I got to do a lot of cross checking and such, but in the process learned a bit about marathon runners, and that lifestyle. So it's been on my mind since early January, kinda stewing in there, ready to work itself into my unsuspecting life.

So, in my boredom, I got this great idea, seemingly out of nowhere, to go for a jog. I did my stretching routine, which somehow or other magically appeared on my computer some time after going to the gym with Saki, and have set to do every morning as an alarm that goes off at 7am, and went outside in the cold windy weather to see if I could channel the marathon runner in me.

I looked at the time before heading out, reminded of my summer jogging that I thought took forever but in fact always ended up taking like 20 minutes, much to my chagrin. 5:05. K. I wanna be gone for an hour.

Anyway, to make a long story short(er), when I walked back in the door, it was 6:03. I did it.

And the best part was, I wasn't even tired. I ran three times the distance I was jogging back in the summer, after which I was too tired to continue, and now it's like it was nothing. I was energized. On the way back, I didn't wanna stop jogging. I started to walk for my cool down, and my legs were begging me to keep jogging. I felt this tension in my body like I've never known before to keep going, I just had to. So I did. And it felt good. Damn good. Like, things I shouldn't be doing good. Drunk with power good.

In Flames

I got home today, and I go out into the kitchen to make myself some of my delicious homemade spicy BBQ sauce, which consists of, well, secret yet delicious ingredients, when I came upon a most disturbing scene.

Maybe later I'll post a pic, but basically, well wait no lemme give you some background. It's better from a writer's perspective, and it's more engaging I think for the reader.

See, I'm not much of a coffee person. When I was young, my brother and I used to hate waking up to the house reeking of coffee. We had a saying, that it tasted like hot water with a brown crayon dipped in it. We were consistently nonplussed at the thought of people actually liking it.

Over time, especially since being in Japan, and having it offered to me basically every ten minutes cause without it the business world would come crashing down on itself, not that it already hasn't, I've come to accept coffee. Not like it, mind you, but accept it. Saki drinks coffee, so I keep some at home for when she's here, and for when I'm sleepier than I am drunk, and need a pick-me up.

The smell, which for me is the worst, is avoided luckily by Japan's freakish love of instant coffee. Maybe it's the fact that they ALWAYS have a pot of hot water because of the incredible amount of tea they drink, so it's convenient to use instant. Maybe it's because you can control the concentration of coffee to water, which is also convenient for people that want strong ass coffee. But who knows. For whatever reason, that's how it is, and like hell am I going to tolerate having a coffee maker in the house.

My roommate, however, being an online gamer on a level far surpassing my own, is routinely up until 5am raiding, and as such, consumes an unholy amount of instant coffee. How he does this is beyond me, but that's the reality of it. He really loves his gaming, so much so that when he got here, he went out and constructed his own gaming computer, built it to his own spec, so he could maximize his gaming experience. His old headphones just weren't cutting it, so he went and bought some of those pro-gamer ultra headphones with built in mic so he can use Vent or whatever EQ2 players use for raid voice chat. He leads raids sometimes, so, I can understand the necessity.

But you see herein lies the rub. I have a coffee chugging raid-leading professional-grade headphone wearing gamer as a roommate, and this is problematic. Why you say? Let's take a look:

What do you need to make coffee, namely of the instant variety?
1) A cup
2) Instant Coffee
3) Hot water
4) (Optional) Stirring utensil

Let's focus on number 3, since it's the only thing that requires any effort whatsoever.
How does one go about getting hot water?

Well, like I said, no hot water maker, so that leaves the microwave and the stove. My roommate uses a thermo-insulated metal plated coffee mug, so, that kinda eliminates the microwave, leaving the stove. Let's just assume the vast majority of semi-rational human beings thusly use a teakettle to heat up their water. That's what we do.

Now let's look at the teakettle. How are these things designed? Well, I think the predominant feature that sets teakettles apart from other kitchen items is its unique spout with lid, complete with little hole.

What's the purpose of that hole anyway, one wonders? Well, in order to produce that signature teakettle whistle, silly! See, the water heats up, and starts eventually to boil, this produces steam and the resulting water vapor creates pressure inside the teakettle which eventually jets out through that tiny hole in the lid at such a velocity that it whistles, and quite loudly at that. So loudly, in fact, that it's pretty damned hard to miss it.

Pretty damned hard, but not impossible. Especially when you have professional-grade headphones, and are leading a raid and can't hear a damn thing even when it's a foot away from your face.

Now that I've given you some backstory, can you guess where I'm going with this? A little more interesting, perhaps? Feel more involved? Good. Maybe now you'll understand exactly what I thought when I saw the black and white remains of our teakettle, the plastic on the lid melted, the metal fused with the spout itself. Oxides of whatever metal made up the pot caked around the bottom, now completely white. I thought, for a moment, about the fact the whole house could have been burning down and he wouldn't have realized it. I thought briefly on how long it would have taken for the kettle to reach that point. All the water had to boil completely off, and then just sat there with the flame under it for quite a while. Turns out it was over an hour. All the while, it was screaming its ass off whistling, and no one was around to turn it off, except the guy who was boiling it in the first place, who had completely forgotten and couldn't hear it at all.


Ugh. Love my life.

Virtue by Comparison

My girlfriend works at a hospital, she's a pathologist, so often she is required to stay overnight in case there are people who need emergency blood work etc done. Yesterday was one such day, and so this afternoon, when she finished, she came over here. She's now occupying my futon. I started out in there with her, but eventually I got restless as I, on the other hand, got a full night's sleep, and so I got up for a little bit and dicked around on the compie.

But, of course, not being one to want a girlfriend to be lonely in my own house, I crawled back into bed.

And got slowly nudged out. This girl really knows how to sleep using an entire bed. Anyway, so here I am, back on the compie, cause there's really nothing better to do, and I don't wanna wake her up cause she worked hard all night.

We're going to a dinner party at Bryan's tonight, I guess a bunch of people are coming. He's living by himself these days now that Nicki and Amanda have gone back to their respective countries, so at least there will be plenty of space to move around and sit and talk.

I got the results back yesterday from the Japanese Language Ability Exam that I took back in December. Why it took three months to process the results of a Scan-Tron test is beyond me, but oh well. Before I took the test, I hypothesized that my score would most likely be painfully close to passing, I could sense it well before I even took the test. After taking it, I felt the same way. I took a practice test the day before and I got 58.5%, which is 1.5% shy of passing. So when I opened the card, and looked at the score, I can honestly say I was in no way surprised.

233/400. 58.25%. So, it looks like I'll be taking the test again in July, and really going for it. If all the half-assed studying I did brought me that close to passing, if I really button down and actually attempt to master the material, I figure I can pass with a pretty decent score. Not that I'm trying to rationalize the failure, but even if I passed with a 60%, there really would be no real sense of accomplishment at passing with a D----. If I'm gonna pass, I want it to be like all the other tests I've taken in my life and pass with flying colors.

So, here's to studying more. Vinnie, who I ran into at the test place, turns out to have gotten a 49%, and Richard, who I went with, got the worst of the three of us with a 45%. So, at least I know I was the best among my friends. Not that virtue by comparison really counts for much.

Down the Tubes

In an ongoing saga, we finally called in a plumber to take a look at our leaky broken toilet this afternoon.

About a week or so ago, we noticed the tank was constantly dripping, and so, being the handyman that I am, I popped open the lid and had a look under the hood to assess the situation. Of course, in classic style, doing so only exacerbated the situation by finalizing the damage that was already done and causing the minor leak.

A PVC pipe in there had cracked, and was allowing water into the overflow causing the tank to essentially constantly try to fill itself, at the rate of a small trickle. When I touched it, it just snapped right off, so I had to get creative in my solution.

Much duct tape was used. Much hand washing was involved. All to little avail.

But a temporary cessation was achieved, so I was satisfied, until we all kinda realized, that leak wasn't gonna stop. Isn't, I should say, as it continues to this day.

We experimented with several things to make the haphazard fix job more workable. I had to adjust the handle so the sealing ball wouldn't pop out, since without the pipe there is nothing to keep the ball from just shooting up when you flush. And then we tried several things to either increase or decrease the buoyancy of the float, in an attempt to trick it into thinking it was full and stop dripping, all to no effect.

Duct tape being the obvious solution, save WD-40 which I couldn't figure out a practical way to use in this situation, I tried duct taping styrofoam packing peanuts to it, to no avail. Then Dave suggested we make it heavier, so the water flow would be fast enough to get past the stop point before reaching trickle-mode, to no avail. Neither of these, if you think about it, would really do any good, and even if it were to, the constant trickle leak from the tank to the bowl would eventually make it want to fill again anyway.

So, after a week of emotions which perfectly match the Stages of Acceptance, we finally just called a plumber, who took a look at it, tried to fix it, and eventually said, "Yea, I don't have the parts on me to fix this, we'll give you a call in the morning and we'll take it from there."

This is, of course, after ransacking the house trying to find the instruction manual for the toilet (I didn't even know such things existed, but hey, it's Japan, so surely there was one, and hey, I'm from America and never actually have bought a toilet before to know if there is such a manual there either.), and while doing so, him calling the landlord to ask if they had the specs on the toilet, to, guess what, no avail.

So, here we are, with a toilet that's even less functional than before the plumber got here, three guys that produce no small quantity of bodily waste, and a night of trying to cope until the morning, when we'll have a different solution, and a different quote from the plumber. I'm sure the part will turn out to be rare indeed, because our toilet is undoubtedly no longer made, and the parts are no longer readily available, and as such will be a costly endeavor, as these things always are.

So not only is the water bill going to be high, but the cost of fixing the damned toilet will be more, most likely.

Grr. And all this time I thought my MacGyver-like skills could get us through this time of crisis.

And, to make things worse, the internet is crapping out on us. Slow as all get out. Which means no escaping to Internet Land, aside from posting lengthy blogs about the waterworks. Such is life.

Streeeeeetch it out

I've set an alarm for 7am every morning with the note "STRETCH!" as part of my newly started effort to attempt to get into shape. Notice how I've already written an out into that statement.

But it gets me out of bed and a bit more active, and one step closer to not having physical therapists gawk in amazement at the tightness of my hamstrings. Maybe it will help with the pain associated with standing for long periods of time/sitting for long periods of time.

Anyway, it gets me to fold up my futon in the morning, which gives me more floorspace, and it also puts me a lot closer to my actual floor, reminding me how dirty it gets, prompting me to vacuum a little more. And my clothes, which are normally scattered all over, are now interfering with my stretching, and have been moved to the closet, where they belong. And now that I don't have a futon to toss my shit on, my jacket etc goes in the closet where it belongs as well.

Hmm. Disturbing. I'll have to compensate through other vices.

Rawr

Someone once told me: keep a journal. The more things you do, the harder it will be to remember them all.

It appears as if a great deal has gone unwritten.

Anyway, so I'm sitting in the shokuinshitsu this morning and out of nowhere Saito sensei says my name and announces that I'm the ALT this month, as if any other ALT is there any other month, and the whole room looks over at me, and I realize this is my cue to say something, along the lines of:
"Good morning, thank you all for having me, Happy New Year, I'm looking forward to working with you all, thank you for all your hard work."

So what do I bust out?

*nods while sitting* *small wave* *incredulous look*

Tadaa. I'm so damn good. My telepathy apparently was on the fritz.


Saki and I went to pick up the ring I got her for Christmas the other night, before going to a concert, and the first thing I said when she arrived was:
"Hey there! So, tell me a story! I'm sure you have an interesting one, about the 45 minutes between when we were supposed to meet and now. I'm looking forward to hearing it, cause I didn't hear a whole lot about it before."

Then she cried a little. And I felt like a colossal ass. Turns out she was writing a report for work. I just can't help myself, she's chronically late with no explanation and I'm chronically annoyed by having to wait around by myself places.