Tyler vs. Japan

Well, Wednesday I went and picked up Tyler from the airport, and as was anticipated we went straight outside first thing for him to have a smoke. Poor kid. So much time in a plane with no smoking.

Anyway, we slowly made our way back home, and Tyler had his first meal in Japan - McDonald's. This was his own chosing, he was really itchin for a Fillet-o-Fish. Can't say I blame him really, they are a phenomenally tasty treat. We dropped his stuff off at home, and then ventured out to Shibuya. We walked around Tower Records, and roamed the streets for a little bit to show him how nuts Japan can be at night. We went to the same super bomb ramen shop I went to on New Year's, and Tyler got the "large" serving, which neither of us really anticipated to be as large as my laptop.

Yesterday Tyler went and explored Shinkuku by himself while I was at work, an impressive feat, and only managed to call me for help once, after I was already off work, cause he didn't know which direction to take the Joban Rapid.

Me, According to OKCupid

The Bachelor
Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSMm)

Straight-up. Studly. Congratulations, you are The Bachelor.

You're an honest, good-thinking guy, and though you're very sexually active, people don't perceive you as a male-slut or man-whore or guy-dick-putter-inner or whatever. You have a sterling reputation.

You're a careful person, perhaps too much so for your friends' tastes, but girls like that in you. You probably don't kiss & tell. And you definitely don't brag. You know you don't have to prove anything to anyone. It's as if you believe in monogamy, so long as it's with lots of different people.

Our guess is that you've got some kind of word-of-mouth going with the girls out there, and that in the future, your sex partners will get even more plentiful, and more attractive, too.

Your exact opposite: The Manchild Random Brutal Love Dreamer

You will settle down eventually, and make an excellent husband. You seem like the type who is into the idea of making copies of yourself, so you'll probably have lots of kids. Bear in mind, meanwhile, this can get expensive.

ALTERNATE ENDING: You will die broke and alone. Vermin will feast on your ragged body for five days before the groundskeeper notices. The thing is, when somebody dies in a public restroom, the natural odor of his decomposing flesh is often masked by the feces smell.


ALWAYS AVOID: The Wild Rose

CONSIDER: The Dirty Little Secret, The Intern

Dumping vs Being Dumped

I've decided that I hate dumping people. I hate that I talked to her, and we got things out in the open, and now I have to feel like I just dumped a good person, someone who didn't really do anything wrong, just, couldn't live up to what I wanted. That makes me feel like such a crappy person. Like, I set some kind of unmeetable standard, but all I wanted was to spend more time with the girl, an evening or two a week, a phone call after work, but I couldn't get it, and though I thought it was because of a lack of interest, it was a lot more that she just really didn't have time, and didn't think she was doing anything abnormal.

Now, I can't regret what I did because it was hurting me a lot, constantly, all the time, and the weight was affecting my life in really negative ways. And, the fact that she wasn't doing anything sketchy doesn't make it better somehow, cause intentionally or otherwise she wasn't giving me what I needed from a relationship. It doesn't stop me from thinking though that I just put my pain on her shoulders in leaving her when she was trying her hardest to make it work. *I shouldn't really say her hardest, the tension between us was making me act differently around her, and she was playing off that, and we both felt like we weren't really clicking, and probably backing away from each other.* Additionally, I can't assume this hurt her at all whatsoever, she might be relieved, and it'd be really arrogant of me to assume that my dumping her made her sad at all. In all honesty I have no idea.

What gets me though is that my off behavior came from sensing she wasn't interested in really putting herself on the line and going all in to be in a relationship, and she wasn't, because she feels like when she goes home that it would end and it would just be another memory of her time in Japan, which is a crap reason to me. And so since she wouldn't go all in, I backed off, and because I backed off, we didn't click at all, and it was pretty much doomed as far as I can see. We were both waiting to see if the other person was gonna step up, I didn't wanna come straight out and tell her what I was expecting cause it's not right to put conditions on a relationship, and she didn't wanna come out and tell me she wasn't willing to commit to anything. That, and she didn't really did that I come across as kinda cocky at times, and got the impression I could be kinda selfish, but not towards her, just others. I'm not gonna argue that, if that's how she feels then there's truth to it. I'm looking into ways to prevent future confusion between my self confidence and my not true cockiness. (shut up, I'm not THAT cocky, yeesh. you know as well as I do it's all a joke.)

So, we're both kinda at fault on this one, and it's a bummer because for once I had finally met a girl that I saw flaws in, things that would have normally sent me running, and yet because of something intangible I wanted nothing more than to be with. This is why I stuck with it as long as I did, I really wanted things to work. But shit, you can't win them all, and I learned a few really important things, about independence, what's too little and too much attention, and what it takes for me to put my neurotic standards aside when faced with a beauty I could never quantify to subject to my standards in the first place.

Anyway, not the best, not the worst, but one I'll remember for sure. Maybe this isn't the last I'll write about her, who knows.

Called It Off

I broke it off with her today, she had a hard time relaxing around me cause she feels like whatever happens here will end, and when she goes home it will just be another memory of this place. I told her I felt that in her behavior around me and as such I could never really be myself and be completely open with her. As such, I got together with her today, and told her how I felt, she told me what I just wrote, and I told her that since we can't be honest with each other about our feelings, and can't click like we should, that I can't do it anymore and called it off.

Eerily enough, here's my horoscope from MySpace for today that I just now checked upon getting home:
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Tuesday, June 27th, 2006:
It could be like two different days today. Your fear of vulnerability can make you uncharacteristically shy for the first part of the day. Then, as the Moon enters lively Leo, your caution quickly morphs into a more positive and outgoing attitude. There's no need to justify your change of heart; just do what feels right.


Who knows. One day I'll find what I'm looking for, but you can't say I didn't try. I really do like her. Maybe things'll be different down the line.

Distractions

Woot, Tyler's gonna be here in three days, and I've officially finished work prior to his arrival. I've got three days off now, so that's gonna be weird, maybe I'll actually clean up for him, and maybe I'll actually get around out of sheer boredom to doing those things I've needed to do for months, like, say, change my address for my alien card, seeing as I'm an illegal alien right now. I think it might be more important for ward tax purposes than anything else, so I should probably do that.

I decided to distract myself from my own pessimistic self destructive thoughts about Melissa through self destructive behavior. It seems to be working very well though, as for once in a long string of nights I'm not thinking about how much I resent her, or wish things were different. I took the couple messages she sent at face value, after I sent her the "I figured you would back out so I made other plans" message when she told me she was tired and was just gonna kick it at home.

See, my problem with that is the times I treasure most in a relationship are exactly those times, the, "I'm so tired just come spend time with me being around and cuddling to relax" kinda times. But she doens't seem entirely interested in that, or doesn't think I am, since she never offers, and I get the impression from previous situations that she wouldn't even bother replying to the comment. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm probably gonna be up for a while, but I thought I would take a sec and update this, in keeping wtih my desire to keep as close to a daily journal as possible.

I'm playing this game, Adventure Quest, you've probably seen ads on MySpace, and I play it when I'm drunk or bored, but I'm a level 70 character now and have essentially done all there is to do in the game that doesn't involve some serious farming and investment of time with no short term gain. So, now even my boredom cure is gone, thusly eliminating my excuse/distraction from writing here. Who knows what that will lead to. Maybe I'll just plug away at it anyway. Or maybe I'll stop being a dork and get a gym membership like I swore to myself last night I would, and spend my time making progress towards a physique I can be proud of, and women will drool over.

Anticipation

I'm sitting here with a warm bowl of rice with natto, thinking about how Tyler is going to be here in five days, and how excited I am about it. Additionally, I'm going to swing my Kita Kogane after work today and see Melissa, thanks to my finally deciding if I want to talk to her I'm going to have to just say screw it and call her, rather than adhere to her habit of only sending me text messages, despite getting phone calls from just about everyone else in the universe on a regular basis and talking to them while I'm in the room at length. Whoops, that was a little venting too I guess.

Anyway, I went though MySpace today and left comments on like a million people's pages, I had that odd feeling today that comes and goes now and again like everyone back home has kinda forgotten I exist, and I wanted to get back in touch with people and remind them that I do. This is, admittedly, about as close to being homesick as I get. I knew when I came out here that my friendships would be subject to some strain, and they've held up well I think, but, all the same that paranoia that comes now and again with seperation sometimes is a good thing as it motivates me to maintain my relationships with other people actively, whereas normally I would just have faith we're still friends and not bother too much with it.
There are some of my friendships, however, such as Amanda and Christy, that thanks to changes in their relationship status, our friendship has either become significantly less important to them, or what seems like something of a bother. People change in relationships, I know that, but, at least in Amanda's case, it makes me feel really, well, taken advantage of, to be such a pillar in someone's life and then to be dropped down to a bottom rung friend essentially when a boyfriend comes along. What was I to her then? A stand in? No matter I guess, time will tell.

It feels good to be excited about seeing Melissa again, as opposed to the relative dread I had earlier when things weren't going so well. I'm starting to feel like maybe we actually are in a relationship now, and though I know it will take me a while to really settle into that and start acting like it, it's nice to know that the possibility of that actually happening is there. I dunno what we're going to do tonight, but as long as it involves time together and a little hand holding, I'm alright.

Hello

I've come to the harsh realization that I enjoy teaching lessons at branches other than my own more than my own. This is, most likely, because I have fun teaching lessons at other schools, and the students at my branch largely have problems communicating and participating in what should otherwise be easy activities.

This, much to my chagrin, is most likely because I've failed to teach them in such a way that they are prepared and able to handle such activities. I'm being forced to re-evaluate my teaching methods.

Or, it could be just a fluke. But who knows.

I notice that recently I haven't been updating as often as I once had, and I'm at a loss as for why. Lots of things have been happening, but I haven't had the desire really to update this journal with any frequency.
Let's see, Melissa and I hashed out our differences, had a long talk at Saizeriya and worked out the nature of our misunderstanding, and things are better now, with hickeys to show for it. Hopefully things will continue in this direction.
Tyler will be here in a week, something about which I am very excited, though now I have to actually start planning things for us and him to do, which is hard and requires more effort than I seem to be willing to put forth.
I've decided it may well be time for me to pony up and get a gym membership, though forcing myself to make time to go to the gym is pretty much the antithesis of what I stand for, so we'll see how that goes.
I called the fam today, and got to speak to all of them, which is weird, thinking that my mother, father, and brother all were home at the same time, though it's pretty certain what they were all doing. Mom was on the computer or on the phone with some counselor or other, getting advice about God knows what, and dad and Owen were sitting watching (read: falling asleep) in front of the TV after one too many Manhattans or some other drink Owen fashioned that's neither properly mixed or consumed by normal, rational drinkers. Not that there are many normal, rational drinkers out there, otherwise they wouldn't be drinking. Apparently they're all doing reasonably well.

A large group of my friends graduated over the weekend, so I made a few phone calls and sent some messages out congratulating them on their managing not to flunk or drop out. It's weird to think it's been two years since my own graduation, even though technically I graduated in September of last year. But we won't talk about that.

I got a letter from the IRS today telling me they unsuccessfully tried to direct deposit my refund into my account, and will be mailing me a check, here to Japan, which I will have to endorse and mail to the US for deposit into my account back home. The State's refund however was successfully deposited into my bank account today, showing me once again that a Federal Government run my Republicans is good for only one thing: postponing the disbursement of money for as long as humanly or inhumanly possible to earn interest as long as it possibly can, i.e. screw me and not them. Present value of money, blah blah blah fucking morons.

It's humid here, the weather is hot yet not sunny, and I'm running out of ways to entertain myself mindlessly here at home, despite the World Cup. I suppose that means I'll be updating this journal a little more than I have been in recent weeks. We'll see how that pans out.

Happy Anniversary!

Well, like all anniversaries I missed it be about two weeks, but, May 29th marked the 1 year anniversary of this blog. Time to do a recap and take inventory on what my life has gone through in the last year....

This time last year I had just moved back to Tualatin to live with my parents, and was waiting to see if my paper for REL325 would receive a grade, and would shortly find out that it didn't matter anyway and would have to take special means to graduate.
It would also appear that I was deeeeeply bitter about one thing or another, and had a lot of pent up frustration about a great many things. I also hadn't been laid in a long long time.

Now, one year later, I live in Japan, have graduated, have gotten laid at least once (3 times, for the record), kind of have a girlfriend (sort of), largely have nothing to complain about and for the first time ever in recorded DZ history have money enough to last me between pay periods.

I developed and kicked a hard drug habit, continue to smoke, took out the wrist piercing I got shortly before starting this blog, and cut my hair to a stylish and socially acceptable David Beckam style. I've dropped a considerable amount of weight that I was starting to gain when I moved last June, from 190 at my peak in the summer, to my lowest recorded weight here of 167. I'm probably around 175 now, but that's just a guess.

My friendships have largely held up under the stress of such great distance. There are a few people, notably Whitney, who I haven't spoken to pretty much since leaving because they're scatterbrained or never use the internet. Jordan fits into this category as well, who has a wedding this summer but won't tell me when.
But for the most part, the friendships I had when I left Eugene still hold, and for the most part I think at least as an a priori concept I still exist in the hearts and minds of people in America. In all reality, I've actually rekindled more friendships since being here than I had prior to my leaving, in spite of the large number of people to fall back into my life after 6 years thanks to The Facebook and MySpace. This trend continues, as I have fallen back in touch with friends from high school that I really did miss, without having thought of in ages, notably Stephanie R, and Marty S(now L).
I finally kinda laid into Liesl a little bit and afterwards we seem to have patched our differences, or at least agree to let the past be the past. We were talking actively for a little bit but that seems to have kinda faded.

In terms of my goals for being here, I've accomplished admittedly little. I've moved to a better apartment, and I have the things I want, but, I'm not saving any money, and I haven't travelled anywhere near as much as I want to. This summer though, with Tyler coming and good weather, I think more travel will be in order. I've got time here still, so, I can make that happen.

The focus of my life has changed significantly, in what seems to be three distinct periods: the summer, the winter, and the spring. Wow. What are the odds that life periods coincide with seasons?
Summer: The focus of my life was definitely graduating, introspection, and other than that, partying. Dealing with impending seperation.
Winter: Money. Money Money Money and the marked lack thereof. Little room for anything else, aside from a little getting used to work.
Spring: Interpersonal relationships. With people going home, being incarcerated, and holding my hand, this seems to be the highlight of the season.
Summer: In progress, lemme get back to ya.

With that, I'm gonna call it a day on this belated anniversary entry. The questions though that must be asked are:
"Is my life better now than one year ago?" - Yes.
"Are you closer to where you want to be?" - Yes.
"Do you have any idea where you want to be one year from today?" - No. Probably still in Japan.

The Cynic's Mirror: Ketchup

I'm overworked and underpaid. 7 days in a row thanks to my brilliant acceptance of emergency overtime. Additionally, I may work overtime in Kashiwa today but I don't know because I didn't work in my branch on any day since I applied. I have to call today and check.

Australia beat Japan 3-1. Aussie Aussie Aussie! oy!oy!oy! Ty and I were relieved to find that neither of us were actually rooting for Japan.

I finally faxed my juror response form yesterday, the 13th. Who knows, maybe it won't matter and I'll have a bench warrant out for me the next time I enter the country. Might be worth looking into.

Nearly broke it off with Melissa over the weekend because we never see each other and she sends me a text like once a day. Not really enough to call a relationship, and "taking it slow" doesn't mean largely ignoring one another. But, I have to give her some credit she's still new in this country, and has a lot on her plate with two jobs and little free time to herself anymore. So, I'll go the patient route and see if things pan out.

Tyler will be here in two weeks, and I've arranged to get 5 of the 6 days off I was hoping for, so that's nice. At least if nothing else I'll have some well needed rest time, seeing as I've had one day off per week for the last two months or so, with nothing different after Tyler leaves. I still need to plan what we're actually going to do while he's here.

I swung by Melissa's work after I finished on Friday and brought her a box of chocolates, just cause. She seemed very happy, and that's what I was after.

I've discovered that women like me. Twice in the last week I've had someone tell me, "You know what? I'm really glad we've gotten to be friends, you're awesome." And you know what? I am, just a little bit. I may be neurotic but what I lack in chiseled God-like abs I make up for in superior chiseled God-like sarcasm. Er, I mean, crap. I dunno, chiseled, God-like something redeeming.

Tomorrow is payday.

I get paid 5,000 yen today for working more hours than I normally would during a shift swap in Ushiku on Monday. w00t.

Faxes and Man Rings

I got called for Jury Duty back in Oregon, in case I hadn't mentioned it before, and I need to send an international fax saying that I can't make it. Ya know. Cause I'm pretty much half the world away. But, I mean, if the City of Eugene values my jury service that much that it wants to pay for me to fly out there, then, by all means I'll serve. Of course, I'm lazy and haven't done it yet. Sould probably jump on that in the nearer than later future.

Secondly, flint lighters always take two flicks to light, what's with that?

I bought a new ring when I was out with Melissa today. I met her in Ginza cause she had a job interview there to be a headhunter part time, and we walked around for a bit, then went to Asakusa where we walked around and had some lunch. After that we cruised to Ueno to do some clothes shopping, but the building we went to only had women's clothes, so while she looked around I took some time to find myself a new man ring. I bought one, and a new labret post and a new earring, so I'm happy at least about that. And my new man ring is pretty sweet.

I've managed to hang out with Melissa three days in a row now, that's unprecedented. I like this girl. She does little things like puts her head against my chest when we're on the train. Little things like that make me very happy. One day, undoubtedly thanks to some clever sleuthing, she'll find this blog and read this, and maybe she'll remember that conversation we had in the udon shop in Asakusa today about whether one should be completely honest in blogs, or self censor depending on who you know reads it.

For the time being though, I'm going to watch a few more episodes of Samurai Jack and call it a night. I was a dumbass and accepted some overtime in Kashiwa tomorrow, which undoubtedly means I will run into Yukari and have to skirt around the awkward conversation about why I don't ever call her or want to hang out, despite having told her I have no interest in seeing her.