It's All In The Execution

Tomorrow morning is my job interview with Interac. Kind of odd how quickly a month went by. Much faster than the two or three weeks it took them to get back to me in the first place and set up the interview. I went and got my hair cut today to look nice for it, and ran into a bunch of the mall employees I always used to talk to, so that was nice. The people at Brave, where I get my hair cut, were very friendly, and all of them mentioned that my Japanese has improved a lot since they last saw me. I think that's because I actually spoke, and my nods and smiles actually corresponded with tag questions or yes/no ones, instead of open ones which kinda end conversations in their tracks, as I should well know, being an English teacher and experiencing them on a regular basis.

Anyway, I started preparing for my interview a little while back, thinking about what I'm going to do for my little 5 minute video presentation, but when I was reviewing the information they gave me on Saturday I discovered that they want me to bring my diploma with me, something I, as I would assume most people, don't have on them at any given time. It's sitting on my wall in America, in a nice frame, a monument to the shit I had to do to get here. Well, that's not exactly true anymore, it's probably in an envelope speeding its way across the ocean soon to arrive at my door, but that's beside the point. I had my dad scan it and send me a high res copy, which I printed out this evening. Not exactly official, but at least they'll see that one exists, theoretically. I called Greg when I discovered this, and he told me he didn't have his either when he went in for his interview, and that it didn't turn out to be such a problem. But, there will be a few more people at mine, and the circumstances are different, and I'm afraid they're using it as red-tape filtering. Oh well, too late to worry about that now.

So I focused my energy practicing my stuff, and it's come together pretty nicely, basically it's exactly 5 minutes, and could be pretty fun, if all goes well. The rest of the interview I'm not really worried about so much, it's the standard stuff, which I'm pretty good at. Question and answer section, grammar test, informational speech, etc. Not that I'm not thinking about it, but, there's only so much one can prepare for those things, and at least with that part, I've got experience under my belt to help me out.

It was kind of fun, cutting out little flashcards and downloading stuff, and printing stuff out while preparing my presentation. It was I think the first time that the stress turned into something enjoyable. While I was cutting, and printing, and hacking through mistakes, I never felt nervous, I felt excited. My confidence built, and to be honest I'm not worried about it at all right now. That'll probably change tomorrow morning when I go into controlled panic mode, but, at least for now it's good to be this close to something important and not worried that my sitting here writing in my blog is taking away from my preparedness. More on that when I get home tomorrow, I'm sure.

Also, I start work with zombie neo-Nova on Tuesday in Kanamachi. I got the call from Cerie when I was plastered with Greg up in Moriya on Friday. I think I managed to maintain pretty well, but who knows. Oh well. I'm happy that I have something right now, some kind of promise of future pay while I wait around for the government to pick up the rest of my back paychecks. Money's gonna start getting reallllly tight pretty soon here, but for now I'm going to enjoy this time for what it is. Heh, today was the last day of my month long vacation from work.

In other, slightly more gross but all the same important news, I've been taking the fight to this plantar wart on my left foot I've had since I was like 12 or 13. I've been really self conscious about it for a long time, and I've tried over and over to remove the thing, like, by cutting it with a razor blade, burning it, freezing it, yanking it, etc, only to have nothing really happen other than it getting bigger. Thanks ignorance. Anyway, I thought that I had finally gotten rid of the thing, and sure enough it came back with a vengeance like 4 hours later, so I snapped and started scouring the internet for info on places in Oregon where I could get some kind of hardcore laser treatment and have the thing destroyed permanently when I came across a web page saying that basically I could put Duct Tape on the thing and it'd go away, as I may have talked about previously. Well, I've been doing that for a week or so now...I think. Two? One? I can't recall, anyway I went on this crazy mission to find Duct Tape that led me back to Moraju when I saw Shunto and Momoka with Richard. Since then, I've put Salicylic acid on the wart, and then covered it with Duct Tape, removing it only to shower, cut off the dead skin, and reapply.

Well, the thing's gone. I mean, as far as I can see. I'm gonna give it a day to see if there are any roots left, and decide what to do from there. I'll know cause there will be a callous there more pronounced and faster growing than other areas of skin around it. But, after picking up an emery board from the mall today when I got my hair cut and filing away more dead skin, there's basically no sign there are any roots present. I want to laugh at how simply and effectively that worked, but I'm saving it until I know it's gone for good. But then, oh yes, there will be laughter. And rejoicing. And I will walk around for basically the rest of my life without fear of people seeing or coming into contact with my feet. That's something that anyone who's never had a plantar wart simply wouldn't understand. It's going to take the rest of my life I think, however, to get over picking at where it used to be.

I'll be honest I'm really skeptical that this will have worked, I still expect to wake up tomorrow and discover something there again, but, at least I know how to keep it in check. I'll do this as long and as many times as it takes to be rid of it. The procedure was painless and, honestly, enjoyable, in a sick kind of way. I have 2 more warts remaining on my feet, tiny little guys by comparison, and they're up next. No wart is ever safe from my wrath. Die you HPV bitches!

In other, other news, Saki came over last night and she was just the cutest thing. It's strange, I'm starting to understand a lot more about how the Japanese, and some other Asian cultures, work regarding public vs. private selves. Saki is a very cool, relaxed, chill girl when we're out and about, she's witty, sarcastic at times, etc etc she's great. But then at home, when we're alone, and in bed, she's different, but still her. She's a lot cuter, she tells me more about her feelings, the real cutesy shit comes out, and I like that too, but what I'm coming to understand is that that's how things work out here. Not that it hasn't been said a million times over, but there really is a public and private reality here.

This is what I think really confuses foreigners, namely Westerners, when they come here and get into relationships with the locals. They meet someone who seems very put together, or fun, or non-possessive, or loves their music, and that's all very well true, for their public persona. But when they become comfortable enough to show their private side, invariable it's things that those foreigners don't like. And then boom, the relationship crashes, and all you hear are stories about how this Japanese chick was cool for a while, and then as soon as things settled or got serious, "they just completely changed overnight into someone I couldn't stand to be around."

Funny that this country breeds people to split their personalities, even though it's ok here because that's what's expected, and thinks that's not going to cause relationship problems. Or maybe, it doesn't so much because the guys here all know it's coming. But that would also explain why old people here are so completely different from young ones, because their personalities have melded again, and they've stopped giving a shit about putting on appearances and just hate gaijin openly, or whatever. It's an interesting system, and I'll have to spend some more time considering the ramifications. See what other questions and observations that clears up.

Kk, time for me to rehearse once or twice more, and then get some good rest so I can just crush my interview tomorrow.

Update

Shortly after my last post I of course got a phone call from Dara who, despite being scum incarnate, I was happy to hear from. Here's the news:
Apparently what's happened is that Dave and I haven't been assigned to a branch yet. That's why I haven't been called in to sign contracts and get started. But, given that I live within walking distance of a Tsukuba Express line station, we might be able to start working at the Tsukuba branch as early as next week. Kashiwa apparently is negotiating for reopening, but is not finished, and that's why we haven't heard back yet as well. But I could be starting soon, and that's a positive note.

As I previously foresaw, it's cold as all hell tonight and though I'm sure it's beautiful, the only thing one can appreciate in this weather is how nice it feels to be warm in my layers and wrapped up in blankets. Which is a bittersweet victory as warm is what should be normal, and a return to normal is hardly worth calling pleasure. And of course, because the cold is always waiting, a millimeter away from wherever I am, or wherever my sleeves stop.

Me and the Sky

Well, today is another day. The sun is shining in a clear, cloudless sky, and it's almost warm enough in my room to leave the heater off a while, a typical autumn or early winter day here in the Kanto region. I was amazed last night yet again as I stood on the balcony at Richard's apartment while taking a break from watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix by how stark and clear the winter sky can be at night. It's a rare thing for us Oregonians, seeing as the rainy season comprises the cold 9 months of the year. Here it's quite the opposite. The dry season is the cold season, and the hot season is the rainy season, which, when you think about it, makes for beautiful but unenjoyably cold winters and lush yet hot, wet and miserably humid summers.
You'll hear the Japanese rave about how spring is the big season here; it's the one to wait for, to be here for, to look forward to and relish in the delicate, fleeting moment between two otherwise miserable seasons. But I'm here to say they're full of it. Horseshit. Spring in Tualatin is warmer, sunnier, significantly less windy, and sports the exact same cherry blossoms as does Japan, minus about 900 years of age. Springtime here is cold. And it's rainy, whatever they say. And if you happen to be lucky enough to have a sunny day coincide with the week, yes 1 single solitary week the blossoms are out, good luck to you getting a spot where you can enjoy them. Literally the entire nation of Japan is in Ueno Park, or Kashiwa No Ha Park, or that little cherry tree a couple blocks down from your house, sprawled out and shitfaced and laughing that your gaijin ass wasn't there three weeks earlier scouting out spots like the locals were, after having stopped by periodically throughout the year to monitor pruning and changes in soil composition.
It's like this with everything though, take undokai, Field Day, for example. It's Field Day, seriously, but parents get there at 4am or earlier to start waiting in line, another long and honored Japanese tradition. And when, at 9am, they open the gates, they have to let people in in groups of 10, because otherwise there would be open fistfighting between the dads who have been elected to go wait in line and secure a good spot to watch their kids, but not really cause it's all just for show, while the moms are back home cooking massive lunches for the family and making sure that their kids wake up on time and are in peak condition for their performa, er, competition.

But alas, I digress. It's sunny today. I woke up with a headache this morning from sleeping with my contacts in again. I think the time in my life to actually use dailies as dailies and not bi-yearlies may be approaching. It's yet another day I haven't heard back from Cerie about going to work to sign my contract, and I get the impression it's going to be a little while before I can do that. I got a call from them last week asking me if I could come in to Kanamachi on Monday to do so, but then on Monday got a message saying that wasn't going to be possible, and another saying that Tuesday and Wednesday were a no go as well, and to wait until I was contacted again. Probably next week, from what I've gathered from the rumor mill.

But as well the rumor mill has brought the interesting news that other people I know living in Abiko are starting work next week, and it's making me wonder why it is I haven't been given a call as well. Neither I nor Richard nor Bryan nor Nathan have, but Christian and Jeremy are going to work in Kita Senju next week. I was given a call from Cerie about going to Kanamachi, so it might just be that I was assigned to that branch and that that particular one isn't ready to open yet, but I also have to wonder if they knew that and sent those two to one that was opening for some undisclosed reason. I know that both of them basically went to work every day until the collapse, and that Bryan and I missed a day or two there at the end, and now I'm wondering if that's Foreign Personnel going through our files and selecting the people that went every day and didn't bail. That's the kind of thing they would never admit to, but I suppose with a little investigation it wouldn't be hard to find if there's a pattern to those they called.

But all the same, it means that the process has started, and that people are going to start getting calls to come in to work, if not now then at least sometime soon, and that's progress. Any progress is good in my opinion, even if I'm still being excluded from those that are being chosen. Hopefully it's just that my branch hasn't been opened yet, but I guess we'll see in time.

So for now, it's just me and the sky. Here in my room, it's hot because only the sunlight comes in. But I know it's cold out there. And when the sun begins to set, there will be nothing to hold that heat in. And who knows, by the time it gets dark, I'll probably be so worried about keeping warm I won't even look outside my window to see the night sky and be surprised by its beauty. But for now, I'll enjoy it.

A Depressed Venting of Doubt and Ponderance

I've got to admit I'm a little less than happy at the moment. Nova has found a sponsor, yes, but, that doesn't really mean much. I still have no idea when, if ever, I'm going to see my last two paychecks, and the company that bought them out, G Communication, otherwise known as EC, is basically the devil incarnate. And, they plan to open only 30 profitable schools at first, with aims to open 200 in the future, which means that basically everyone is going to get axed that hasn't already quit. If this includes me, I don't know, but I don't want to find out, honestly.

Which brings me to my current position. I have an interview with Interac on the 26th of this month, a couple weeks from now, but even then there's no guarantee that I'll have employment at all, and if so, nothing perhaps until April of next year. Now, I am eligible to go on unemployment, which I probably will end up doing, and I am going to continue to look and apply for other jobs in the meantime.

But I've been sitting around for a week now, almost two, doing nothing really. Nothing except stewing in this crap, trying to keep myself from sinking in what's becoming an increasingly depressing situation.

Why am I still here? What am I hoping to accomplish by being here any longer? The more I think about it the less I have an answer. The ones I do have aren't really all that convincing, either. I'm not really acquiring skills I can use in the future, at least not for what I want to be doing, and at least not at the moment I'm not putting money away to contribute to whatever that future may be. I'm just kinda, hangin around. Having the floor drop out from under me has really kind of make me question what I'm doing here.

So here's what I've come up with.
I like Japan a lot. I enjoy living here, I'm learning Japanese, making friends, and really enriching my life in the sense that this is something I will never forget, and use to grow and build myself into something worthwhile.
I like Saki a lot. Enough said.

But after that, man....gotta be honest I'm havin a hard time coming up with something. I mean, for Greg, it's different, what he wants is to teach kids and have fun and spend his life doing that. And that's fantastic, I really admire him for that. But I don't know if that's what I want. I'm sick of feeling like I'm underqualified for anything. I want to be a specialist in something. At the moment I'm qualified to....teach at an Eikaiwa. And be a camp counselor. And maybe go to grad school. Having said that I'm not even really qualified to teach, I just have 2 years experience with a massive(and failed) conversational English school.

God, it's really depressing me. When I think about Nova being resurrected, I get depressed because I still haven't gotten paid and I'm still not any closer to a future or being secure or happy. What's gonna happen? They're gonna keep me on, and I'm gonna keep working for them like a chump? Delude myself into thinking it's ok and continue with this even though I know it's not right? If not that then what? Try to find another job until my other potential job starts, so that what? I can teach English at an elementary school, which I still don't even know is what I really want to do. But at least I'm in Japan, in the place I love with the woman I love, right?

Or, what? I drag myself back home, leave all this behind me, however hard that would be, and do what? Go to grad school? For what? Human Resources, probably, to pay the bills. Is that even what I really want to do? I have no fucking clue. I don't wanna stay in Japan just cause this is where I am, but I don't wanna go home just because it's where I'm from.

I want to make a difference in people's lives. That's what I want. I want to help people, to make life better for as many as I can. Can I do that in Japan? Can I do that in America? Something I really took to heart as I read a couple of Noam Chomsky's books was that he discusses American policy and not that of other countries because America is the country over which he has any influence whatsoever. That's not to say other countries don't need help, but you fight the battles you're capable of, and leave the rest to those who can. Can I make a difference to people in Japan, even as an American? Would it be any different in the U.S.?

One of the things I enjoy most about being a camp counselor is that I feel like I really make an impression on the kids I'm around. That, while not all the time, some of those kids really are changed by what they experience there, of which I am a large part. I feel this because I've kept in contact with a bunch of them, and I've seen them grow up to be good people. Does teaching kids here in Japan give me that same chance? Even if I myself can't see my own goals clearly for what they are, am I at least aiming in the right direction in seeking to work with children somewhere?

I think there's a huge potential for positive change by being an influential and positive presence in the lives of young people here in Japan. There is so much discrimination and inadvertent racism here that in a couple generations could be weeded out of the population if people work hard enough now to open the hearts and minds of the youth. The same can be said of America as well, but I think the potential for impact here is greater. A white guy teaching white kids in America doesn't seem like it would have as much of an impact as a white guy teaching Japanese kids about a foreign language and culture to which they're basically never exposed.

But alas, I digress. The question for me now is really becoming, which do I chose? Because a choice has to be made. I can either: attempt to continue teaching as I do now with the hope of getting the experience necessary to do it well and make a difference; take the time to obtain the proper education and certification needed to do this type of work professionally with the hope of landing a job that could actually support me and my future family, whether in Japan or in America, or bail on the whole thing, go home and seek training toward an entirely different future.

That's what I'm going to be pondering as these next days and weeks pass by. That's what I'd like some advice on.